Chapter 43
Forty - Three
Nyx
Ihaven't had the strength – mentally or physically – to bring myself to walk to the mirror on the other side of my room to look at the damage inflicted upon me. But today, I do and I immediately wish I hadn't.
My magic has returned, but it was far too late to heal me and spare me from scars. Slashes mar my chest, back, and one stretches down the right side of my face from my brow to lip.
Emotion blooms in my stomach and burns my lungs. I don't look like myself. I don't feel like myself. It's as if I'm having an out of body experience and this is all just a horrible nightmare I haven't woken from.
I drag my bruised hand down my face, over the scar here to stay, and tears well in my eyes. My vanity is wounded. Apart from my magic, my looks were all I had going for me. Now women will stare at me in pity, questions as to how I turned into such a monster at the forefront of their minds.
I rest my palm against the glass. The motion doesn't ground me like I was hoping. Instead, it has the opposite effect. My breathing is fragmented. My heart lurches in my chest. My head starts to spin.
"You're out of bed. Good."
The voice startles me. I retrieve my palms from the mirror and stare at the newcomer in the reflection. "I thought I'd stretch my legs –" I was expecting to see Hani with new bandages and ointments but it's not her. That face, those brown eyes. I could never forget her even if I tried.
I turn to face her. "It's you," I whisper reverently like a prayer.
She quirks a brow, setting the tray of medical supplies on the end table beside my bed.
"You're the one who rescued me," I say, which earns me a nonchalant shrug.
"Well, it was mostly Helios. He likes to show off."
"But I remember you. Your face."
She frowns. "You can stop being weird. We've established I was there."
"S-s-sorry," I stammer, taken aback by her grumpiness. "I didn't mean to stare." As if I haven't made things awkward enough, I walk toward her and extend my hand. "You're Hagar, right?"
She hesitates, eyeing me head to toe, before slipping her ringed hand into mine. "Hagar Naziri. And you're Nyx Harland."
"And Helios is your twin?" I reiterate the information from yesterday, fumbling over my words. It's like I've never talked to a woman before.
"Older than me by two minutes and he loves telling everyone." She retrieves her hand long before I'm ready for her to and motions to the mirror. "Hani was scheduled for patrol late last night so she asked me to switch out your bandages, but I can come back when you're done admiring yourself."
My face drops and I swallow back the emotions I was battling before she walked in.
There's a slight shift in her eyes and her shoulders tense.
Of course, she's uncomfortable looking at me.
I should get used to this feeling; it'll chase me the rest of my life.
I lean to grab my shirt draped over the back of the chair, but she grabs my wrist, drawing my gaze.
"Don't."
"Like what you see?" I attempt to joke which makes me feel worse. She closes the gap between us, eyes shrouded with a seriousness that makes me uncomfortable.
"Don't hide your scars," she commands, but I disregard her words and grab the shirt.
I slip one arm into the sleeve. Her hand presses against my chest, stopping me from completely dressing.
With unwavering eye contact, she slowly removes the shirt and drops it on the floor.
With a firm gentleness, she twists me toward the mirror and I watch as she traces her fingers over the cuts and forming scars on my back.
Silently, she moves her hand to my chest.
"What are you doing?" I ask, spurred to be on the defensive of whatever she might throw at me.
"Apart from needing to clean them?" Her eyes flick up, meeting mine in the reflection. "Admiring your strength."
"My disfigurement is what you mean to say. Admiring my disfigurement."
Her face hardens. "Scars are stories, Nyx Harland. Proof that what tried to break you failed."
I scoff. "Said the blemish free goddess who rescued me."
Her hand stops exploring my chest. She serpentines in front of me, so her back is to the mirror. She guides my hands to the top of her cropped shirt. "Take my blouse off."
"What?" My eyes widen.
"I said, take my blouse off."
I glance around the room. The windows are void of glass and there are no curtains in sight.
The three in this room have a clear view of the desert city, meaning anyone could look into the room and spot us.
But when I look down at her, she's hard-set so I do what she instructs.
I lift her shirt above her head and clutch it in my hand.
She places her palms against her breasts, but in the mirror I notice three deep slash scars across her back. Anger ignites in my gut.
"Who did that to you?"
She tilts her chin upward, our faces inches from one another.
"A giant Desert Coyote. I was brash in my younger years and when I was denied a patrol with my father, I disobeyed and snuck out.
I thought I was trained well enough to hold my own, but when the creatures attacked, I discovered how wrong I was.
Sometimes I can still feel its claws shred my skin.
When I close my eyes, I see it's fangs and it keeps me up at night.
It took me years to accept my scars and almost the same amount of time to overcome my fear and go on patrols with Helios. "
"I'm sorry that happened to you." I offer, unsure why I'm feeling such a strong pull to a stranger.
Hagar reaches up, moving my hair from my face. With care, she touches my scarred cheek, turning me so she can see the length of the cut. Her gaze suddenly flicks to meet mine. I hold my breath, bracing myself for the disgust or pity to well in her eyes, but such a look doesn't come.
"When you look at me," she says, "see my scars, do you find me repulsive? Lesser? Weak?"
Her questions throw me. "No."
"When I look at you, I see – "
"A monster? Someone to pity? A man in need of rescuing?" I challenge, but she's unfazed by my sarcasm.
"I see strength, resilience, and courage.
" She closes the smallest gap between us, so her forearm stretched across her breasts presses against my chest. "I see a man who refused to break," she rasps.
"I see a man who should be honored for his bravery.
I know you will brush me off the moment I walk out of this room, but I wish you could see yourself in the same light I do. "
"You don't know me." I search her eyes for answers, but I can't read her. "Why are you being nice?"
Hagar retrieves her blouse from my grasp and slips it over her head.
She takes a step away from me as if my question severed whatever was transpiring between us.
"Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Your friend needs you.
Not the shell of what you are right now.
" Her words are harsh and are a slap to my face.
Frustration lodges in my chest. "I need time to forget what happened."
"You will never forget."
I roll my eyes at her bluntness. "Comforting." I backpedal and snatch my shirt off the floor.
"Would you rather be comforted with sweet and meaningless lies? Or would you rather be held accountable and be aided before you spiral?" She counters and I grind my teeth.
I slip my arms in the shirt. "Your bedside manner needs some work."
She marches toward me. I can't deny her commanding presence. "I won't coddle you, Nyx. There will be war whether you're ready or not and your friends will need you before the end comes."
"Do you doubt I'd answer their call?" I growl.
"No." She stands toe-to-toe with me, unwavering in my anger. "I doubt you will be able to."
My chest heaves. Rage bubbles in my gut. I grit my teeth and grind out, "I think you should go." I twist away from her, but she grabs my arm and whips me back around.
"I will stay." Hagar points to a chair. "Sit, so I can tend to your bandages which you've already ripped off."
"I wanted to see what…" I swallow hard. I don't owe her further explanation.
She might have successfully burrowed under my skin, but I need her to tend to my wounds, so my scars won't be worse than what they already are.
We stare at each other for what seems like small eternity.
The battle of stubbornness and she wins.
I drag the chair closer to me and plop down.
Hagar opens the glass jars and dips her hand into one of the balms. She spreads the ointment between her palms, warming it up before applying it to my back. For several minutes she tends to my injuries in silence. But I should have known this firecracker of a woman wouldn't remain quiet for long.
"Aurelia told me of your magic."
"So much for regenerating," I chuckle darkly.
"Your strength will return. The sugovan has been out of your system for twenty-four hours now. You will start to heal again."
"But I will always have these scars," I counter which she doesn't argue with.
"It seems whatever wounds were inflicted during your time without magic will remain with you. However, with medicine and time to heal, they won't be as noticeable."
"Looks like you've met me at my lowest," I scoff, shifting in my seat. "I used to be better looking than both of my brothers. Now – "
She puts her hand beneath my chin and yanks my head back so I can look at her face hovering above mine. "I won't tolerate such talk. I don't pity you. You shouldn't pity yourself."
"Why are you like this?" I brush her hand from me and straighten. "What ancient deity did I anger – "
Hagar wraps in front of me, matching my tone. "Do you blame Aurelia for your state?"
"What?" I gasp. "No, I don't blame her for what happened to me."
"Then why did she leave your room in tears yesterday?"
"Do you think it could be because she's also dealing with the trauma of what happened to her in captivity?" I bite back. "Her wounds might not be as physically disfiguring as my own, but mentally – she might have nightmares for the rest of her life."
"She might."
"Finally, something we agree on," I tease bitterly. "Why don't you let me be? Surely there is something else you could be doing with your time than – "
She slaps her hand across my chest, applying ointment and preventing me from escaping her.
"When I was injured, everyone looked at me with pity.
They might not have said anything aloud, but I could see it in their eyes.
Their sorrow infuriated me. Depression was my closest companion, and no one extended a hand to pull me from the miry pit I found myself.
Except Helios. He didn't give a shit how many times I told him to leave me alone.
He wasn't deterred by my insults, nor the countless daggers thrown his way. "
"Shit, woman," I tense, unsure if I feel threatened or aroused by her. "You threw daggers at him?"
"My point is," she ignores my question and presses onward with her pep talk, "Helios didn't give up on me.
He didn't leave me to my own undoing. He forced me to get back on my feet, even when I didn't think I could.
I will be your Helios. Hate me all you like, but you will rise, Nyx Harland.
The bottom of the barrel doesn't suit you. "
When her hand finally stills, I slowly tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear and whisper, "How is it possible, I've only just met you and I don't think I could possibly hate you more than I do right now?"
Hagar smirks and it's the closest thing to a smile I think I'll draw from her. "I highly doubt it." She wraps my torso with fresh bandages with a quickness Finn would envy. Grabbing her tray, she heads for the door and disappears without another word.
What just happened? I'm not sure if I want to fight her or fuck her. Either way, I'm hoping to run into her again.