Chapter 8
CHAPTER EIGHT
Sleep swallows me whole, blocking out all the panic and hurt, and yanks me down in a void so deep, I don’t believe dreams could ever find me.
Yet, warm light chases away the darkness and I find myself standing in a meadow I’ve only been once before. Wildflowers surround me, their colours more vibrant than anything I’ve ever seen.
It smells like nature here, something I haven’t had the chance to experience in real life. A warm breeze stirs my short locks and picks up the tiny petals, twirling them around me.
The fact that I am actually standing this time is one thing, but the pain that is surprisingly absent here is a very welcome surprise.
I take a hesitant step forward, bare feet sinking into the soft grass. How I wish I could do this in real life too, but frostbite is no joke and it’s definitely not worth losing a toe over.
My legs take me to the shimmering river nearby, its surface catches the sunlight like shattering diamonds, and the sound of water flowing creates its own serene melody.
Although I still can’t remember if this place belongs to my past or if it’s something I have conjured randomly from my mind, it feels so right to be here, like I finally belong somewhere.
I halt where the land transitions into the river, water runs over my toes, the water surprisingly warm. The river stretches for as far as I can see. I close my eyes, and enjoy the peace and quiet, losing myself in the beautiful nature.
“I’m relieved to find you back here.”
I’m not surprised by the voice, knowing it’s somehow connected to this place. “I wasn’t expecting it either, especially in the state I’m currently in.”
“Your dreamworld can offer you shelter, even when it cannot be found in the real world. It will always protect you from the danger and pain you live through when you’re awake.”
I look to my left, where I know or rather feel the presence of the voice’s soul, but can’t see anyone standing next to me. Only a golden-red glow is visible.
“I can only admire you, Maily,” the voice continues. “After everything you’ve been through, your heart is still kind even when the world has been treating you with so much cruelty.”
I look back at the river in front of me, noticing where the current picks up its pace. “I just don’t see the point in being cruel,” I say softly. “It doesn’t make the hurt go away. It only spreads it.”
The sun shines a bit brighter, the rays warming my skin and a flicker of surprise rushes through me. Will I ever get used to this feeling? I let it sink in, somehow feeling more energized. “Keep that in mind, no matter what comes next.”
I turn around, scanning the meadow, searching for a bundle of light, a figure or a shadow. But I am all alone, yet I’ve never felt so…safe.
And even though I know pain and sadness awaits me in the real world, I can’t help but smile and notice how the sun shines even brighter.
I know I’m no longer dreaming. The pain that is present and the grey walls surrounding me are proof enough.
My back is sore, the wounds undeniable there, yet the pain might have lessened a little over night, probably thanks to the good care of Ami.
I’m lying on my stomach, unsure of how I could’ve fallen asleep like this, and carefully try to push myself up. The movement sends a heatwave through me, the raw skin pulling tight.
I hold my breath for a few seconds, slowly blowing out the air as I rise to sit. I let my legs dangle over the bed and only when I feel steady enough, I put weight on my legs. It’s still early, so I have plenty of time to get ready. Time that I will need.
Standing isn’t pleasant, my skin pulls almost unbearable as I straighten. How will I survive through today? And I know tomorrow will be even worse, it’s always like that. I’m not allowed to limp or flinch, or even grimace. Those things show weakness and they all feast on it.
I slowly make my way to the door and right when I’m about to push the doorhandle down, a soft knock sounds. No one knocks around here. They don’t know what politeness is, except for one person.
The door opens and I am not surprised to see Ami standing there. “Why are you up already?”
“What are you doing here?”
We ask it simultaneously and laugh, but laughing isn’t a wise thing to do, making me hunch my back in pain.
“What do you think I’m doing here? Helping you of course, and not a moment too soon apparently.”
She walks past me to my closet, grabbing my bathroom supplies. “Do you need anything else?”
I shake my head. “No, that’s everything.”
She holds out her arm and I grab it without thinking, obviously needing the support. The walk to the bathroom is slow, but every step makes my muscles loosen up and by the time we reach the showers I almost walk without a limp.
“You should really talk with Doctor Herbert, Mai, this is way out of line.”
I try to undress myself, surprised to see I’m wearing my spare nightgown, probably thanks to Ami since the other one is stained. Moving my arms up is impossible, and soon I am out of breath, suppressing a whimper, as I move my arms back down. “You know I can’t do that, it’s no use either.”
“Can you stand?” only when I nod, she lets go of my arm and turns open the faucet, letting her fingers dance under the unsteady stream. “You should at least try it, for the sake of your body, functionality and wellbeing.”
Ami helps me out of my nightgown, opening the buttons one by one and begins unwrapping the bandage that is apparently wrapped around my waist and shoulders.
Once the water reaches the right temperature, Ami holds out her hand and helps me enter the cabin. The temperature of the water is pleasant, but I know once the water touches the wounds, I will say something different.
“I’m fine,” I mumble, right when the water flows down my back and the air is pushed out of my lungs.
Ami gathers water in her hands and lets it trickle down my back, as my body adjusts to the sensation of water across tender wounds. A sigh sounds from behind me. “Keep telling yourself that, babes, you might start to believe it.”
Ami opens a bottle and I throw a glance over my shoulder to see her putting some shampoo into her waiting palm. Telling her I can do that myself would be pointless, so instead I tilt my head back as much as I can and enjoy the feel of her fingers massaging my scalp.
After a few minutes, I’m all washed up and I turn off the faucet, turning around to leave the cabin. Ami’s already there, holding a towel open for me. “You know, you don’t have to do this.”
She huffs. “Don’t be ridiculous. What would you do without me?”
Die on my own, probably. I wouldn’t have survived a month without her, let alone a year.
Ami carefully wraps the towel around my shoulders, guiding me towards a stool she found who knows where. I can’t help but grimace as I sit down, but only when she isn’t looking.
She turns back to me and starts dabbing me dry, fresh bandages and clothes already lying next to her.
“When did you get all this stuff?” I ask, a confused expression plastered on my face.
She crouches down, looking up at me with those intense blue eyes of hers. “Oh, I gathered everything before I knocked on your door, not to waste time or let you escape without any treatment.”
Hmm, she is a wise woman.
Ami works efficiently, yet remains gentle with a light touch. To some, having another person touch you might be sensual, but it’s not like that with us.
Although she did kiss me once.
I remember the way my body locked up, shocked beyond words. And after a few seconds, we both burst out into laughter — the gasping for air kind of laughter, with tears running down our cheeks.
I didn’t feel a single thing when Ami kissed me. Was I surprised? Yes, definitely. But I didn’t get a funny feeling in my stomach or the burning desire to kiss her again like I’ve read about in so many books.
She felt nothing either, she just wanted to try it, to be sure. That was years ago, it never happened again. The dynamic between us stayed the same, but it only made our bond stronger somehow.
Every once in a while, someone came along in Anima, someone that piqued my interest. But I know they would never look at me the same way. They only looked at me with disgust, no flirtatious or longing looks.
Most people can’t look past my appearance, no one except for Ami. And maybe Noah. He doesn’t seem to abhor me. Not like all the others do. But now is not the time to think about that.
Only when I’m completely dry and bandaged, she hangs the towel around my shoulders and reaches for the clothes next to her.
“I think I can do that part myself.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Can you, though?”
I shoot her a glare. “Yes.”
She holds her hands up in surrender, but amusement dances in her eyes. “Fine, fine. Suit yourself.”
Full of confidence, I ease into my clothes, hissing all the way when I feel my wounds stretch, the fabric too heavy on the bandages. The confidence evaporates like snow in the sun and it takes me thrice as long to get dressed. Ami watches the full process, arms crossed, unimpressed.
“That looked fun,” she says. “Want to do it again?”
I blow out the air I didn’t know I was holding and shoot her a glare. “You’re hilarious.”
She gives me a wink. “Oh, I know.”
I gather all my stuff and walk out the bathroom, navigating past the other girls that are walking in. Ami catches up with me easily, taking me in as I walk back to my room.
“Can you please — please — be careful today?”
“I will, I promise. I have an appointment with Miss Sophia this afternoon, and I won’t do any heavy lifting in the infirmary.”
Doctor Herbert won’t mind, she knows I sometimes am…limited in movement. I never tell her that I’m in pain, but she always notices, even though I’m an expert at hiding it.
“Mai, I really think —”
I hold up a hand, silencing her mid-sentence. “If I promise I will take it easy for the next few days, you have to promise me to let this go.”
Don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful for Ami, but talking about this will only make it worse. Believe me, I tried. Only once, but that was one too many times.
Mister Coldarion, the headmaster, listened and nodded. I assume he talked to Dom. Dom wasn’t too happy with that, he had to make a point. The whip went down more times than I could count and I eventually lost consciousness, which was a mercy. I never talked about it to anyone else ever again.
Ami opens her mouth, probably to start protesting again, but wisely decides to drop it for now. Didn’t think that would work, but hey, I’m not complaining.
There aren’t many people in the cafeteria and I am relieved to see that all the guards that are stationed here are female.
I take in my pills and notice that there’s one extra. I look at Mary but she only gives me a gentle smile. It’s a painkiller, I don’t even have to ask.
We eat breakfast in silence. Ami’s thoughts seem to be miles away, which is a first and I feel a little nervous for this afternoon.
Having…visions or hallucinations in a place like this isn’t a good thing, but I am certain it’s related to the memories buried deep within me. I have to talk to Miss Sophia about it.
I finish before the real breakfast rush begins and wave goodbye to Ami.
I pass Soren in the hallway, the guilt very clear in his eyes.
I put on a convincing smile, trying to reassure him I’m okay.
He smiles back, but as soon as he is out of sight, I let the pretence fall as I slowly make my way to the infirmary.