Chapter 40 Lavender
forty
Lavender
*GWENDOLYN*
No matter what happens, no matter the tragedy or the loss, the world is still moving. It did so after Dad died, it did after Brandon betrayed me, and after Tulip died. And it’s still moving today, a day after Marina’s death.
This time, I am not alone in it, though.
“Hey, babe.” Felix smiles at me when I walk into the kitchen.
“You made breakfast?”
“Yes.” He sprinkles something on a plate before placing it in front of me. It’s avocado toast and a bowl of warm porridge. “I feel like an idiot, but I had to look up how to make porridge and not have it taste like cardboard.”
I look at the plate in front of me, then at him. “I love you,” I say. I don’t know where this just comes from, but I know it’s true. “I love you.”
Felix's mouth drops open. “Really?” He pulls me into his arms. “That’s amazing! Because I love you, too.”
I wrap my arms around him, so glad that he is here.
With Marina gone, I have lost the last connection to my old life, the only good thing that remained.
Now Dad is gone, Tulip is gone, and she is gone, and it feels like part of my identity I was clinging to has been completely erased.
Part of me feels like Faye will disappear from my life soon, too.
Maybe not the way the others disappeared, but I know it won’t be the same anymore.
I am trying to tell myself that she will be happier that way.
She can have a new start in life, a fresh one, but my heart feels a little broken that I need to let her go, too.
It was the plan all along. I have talked about my role in her life plenty of times with Felix and Flora, since I came to this pack, but it’s different now that it’s happening.
I know Faye will be moving on, and she will do it without me.
But with Felix at my side, I am reminded that I‘m not alone anymore. This time, I have someone holding my hand along the way. I have someone who is in it with me and has become a constant in my life. He has marked me, I am his, and he isn’t going anywhere.
“How are you feeling?” Felix asks me. “I‘m getting a lot of mixed feelings through our bond.”
“Tense,” I admit. “And overall… weird.”
“Talk to me, if you want to,” he says softly. “I will listen.”
“It’s hard to put into words, but Marina is constantly on my mind.
I miss her… but part of me is glad that she finally is able to rest. I said goodbye to her for the whole of last year.
Deep down, I always knew she wouldn’t come back.
And I also feel angry. So angry that her life ended like that.
She was such a happy person. She was so full of life-“ Angry tears fill my eyes.
“She was buzzing with life, and then someone sucked all the life out of her. Marina was like my sister, you know?”
Once I have said the words, I know they are true. It took her dying for me to realize that she was my family. The realization squeezes my lungs, my breath hitching before my angry tears turn into something much more devastating.
Anger is easy; it is distracting and makes it possible to vent. But grief is just overwhelming.
Felix doesn’t say anything, just keeps me tightly in his arms while I sob into his chest.
I never allowed myself to break down or to let my emotions out, with very rare exceptions – after Dad, and after Tulip’s death, with Daniel. But today is the first time that I feel safe in doing so.
“You must be getting a whiplash from all my emotions,” I say when Felix and I finally manage to leave our place. I have cried into his chest for an hour, before having my breakfast and then breaking down a fucking second time.
It’s embarrassing, yet it felt oddly cathartic.
“Not at all,” he reassures me. “Truth to be told, I am glad that you feel you can rely on me.”
Instead of an answer, I squeeze his hand.
“Do we know how Faye is doing?” I ask. “Would you link your mom, maybe?”
“Of course, but you can link her too.”
“I don’t know. Isn’t it weird? She is the Luna after all.”
“Why? You are my mate, and she is my mom. We are family now.”
Felix has a talent for summarizing a complicated situation with simple words and for uncomplicating it that way. Well then… if he says so-
Flora, I am sorry for interrupting you.
Oh, sweetheart, you aren’t interrupting anything, she reassures me. You can link me anytime.
I just wanted to ask about Faye.
She is okay, Flora says. Not great, but okay. It will take some time, but she hasn’t had another breakdown, although Marius had to leave and return to his pack, and Celine went to the meeting with Elden and Aurelia. They are preparing for Maddox’s visit.
I feel a little relieved that Faye has apparently calmed down a little. Where is she now?
She is with me, Flora says. She warmed up to me a little and agreed on staying with me.
I… My voice trails off. I don’t know what I want to say. I want to tell Flora that I will pick Faye up, but then, I don’t know if it would help her much. I want to offer for her to stay with me, but-
Just say it, Flora encourages me. You don’t need to overthink and discuss this with yourself.
How do you know?
That you are constantly caught in your own mind and thoughts? Flora asks. Sometimes it’s obvious because you take a while to answer. At other times, it might not be obvious to others, but I can tell. Elden was like that, too, when he was a teenager.
I can barely imagine Elden as someone who used to overthink anything!
I just don’t know what to say, I admit. I want to be there for Faye, but somehow, I feel like I can’t.
And that she would rather be with you. But I don’t want her to feel abandoned at the same time.
And also… I take a shaky breath. I don’t know why she doesn’t want me around.
I pause. Forget that I said that. It’s not about me.
Oh, Gwen, it’s okay to feel hurt by that. But Faye isn’t rejecting you. She knows you were her safe space for a long time. For a child of her age, a year is an eternity. She loves you.
But she wants a mom, I mutter. Or at least a motherly figure.
Yes.
Why can’t I give it to her?
I don’t think you lack motherly instincts, she says.
You are perfectly fine the way you are, and I am sure if Felix and you have children one day, you will be a fantastic mother.
I am also sure that if you and Faye had been all on your own right now, you would do everything to be the person she needed you to be.
But here? You don’t have to. You are hurt, you were traumatized by a pack that constantly rejected you, and by your loved ones‘ passing.
You never had time to grieve. As long as you had a reason to keep fighting, your body was on autopilot.
You needed to protect Marina and Faye; you needed to save them.
And now? I ask quietly.
Now you need to heal the little child in you.
The child who never got answers, who was faced with the cruelty of its pack and with its father passing so suddenly.
You need to look after that little child, accept and let it heal.
She pauses. As for Faye, I will make sure she finds the perfect place for her to heal.
Another pause. And maybe heal someone else, too.
Her last words surprise me a little, but I am too exhausted to enquire further. Flora said a lot to me, so much that it takes a while for it to sink in, and it will probably take an even longer while for me to understand and accept what she said.
My inner child. Little Gwendolyn, who cried under her blanket, secretly, so she wouldn’t worry her father.
Little Gwendolyn, who clung to her horse and talked to it, because no one else would talk to her.
Little Gwendolyn, who would date the first guy who said anything nice to her, because she was so deprived of love.
My chest constricts at my own thoughts. Fuck!
“Gwen?” Felix says. “Something is wrong, isn’t it? Did Mom say something?”
“No, I mean yes, she did, but what she said was really important.”
Flora, I link her again. I can’t do it alone. Could you set up an appointment for me with a therapist?
Of course. I am actually really glad and relieved that you are asking.
Flora’s voice is so soothing. I have mostly experienced her as this peculiar, giddy, fairy-like person.
That was until yesterday, when she was at Marina’s side, and hearing her now shows me how loving and capable she truly is.
Accepting help is the first step, Gwen. You are such a strong woman.
Sometimes things need to feel worse before they feel better.
It’s part of the process, but I promise you, you are on the right path.
And Gwen? If you want to, visit Faye and me later, together with Charlie.
It will be proof for you that Faye does not reject you.
When I close the link to Flora, I notice that we have walked quite a distance. “Sorry, Felix, I was pretty much zoning out for half an hour.
“Nah, it’s fine! I told you to discuss things with Mom after all. So, she managed to help?”
“Yes, she did. She is pretty awesome.”
“She really is,” Felix says. “She looks so small and cutesy, and sometimes she can act that way too, but she has always given us so much love. And Auri is right with what she said: Mom knows a lot more than she lets on. She is a true enigma.”
“Where does she get her knowledge from?”
“We don’t know,” Felix admits. “I think Dad knows, but they never talk about it. So, we stopped asking. My parents rarely hide things from us, so when they do, I guess it has to be important.”
Again, with a couple of words, he manages to describe an otherwise complicated situation. It’s beyond me that someone called him shallow. They better not dare say that with me around.
“Are you ready for Charlie?” he asks me.
His question makes me chuckle. “I almost forgot that she is coming to visit.”
“That’s why I was steering you towards the parking lot.”
He is right, we are almost at the parking space for guests.