1. Sage
Sage
Adjusting my corseted top, I braced myself as the carriage shook. My dalliance wiggled back into his trousers. Just like all of them, he came before I even lifted my skirts, and made no offer to get me off at all.
How typical.
“Did you have a good time?” he asked.
Did I have a good time? Would he have had a good time if he did all the work and was left unsatisfied?
That wasn’t what I said, however.
“It was wonderful,” I said with a sickly saccharine smile.
He didn’t pay it any mind though, taking my words at face value.
“Great. You’re just as good as they say.
” He paused, as though he realized his slip of the tongue.
“I mean… you’re such good company. That’s what everyone says.
We should meet again sometime.” He leaned into me, as if he meant to kiss me.
I brushed out my unrinkled skirts, avoiding his advances.
“Maybe,” I said. I knew there would be no next time. Though some stuck around longer, hoping to maybe win my hand in marriage and move up in life, it never lasted long once they realized I wasn’t good for more than a good time.
It would have been annoying if I did anything to change the perception, but I didn’t. It never mattered what I did; to everyone around me, I was just a pretty face and an empty mind. And that didn’t stop me from receiving praises for doing nothing more than breathing.
I picked at my light pink nails, feeling my chest begin to tighten.
Moons, did this have to happen now?
“I have to go,” I said, as casually as I could manage. I needed to get away before this feeling got any worse.
“Oh, okay.” He opened the door for me, and it creaked on its hinges. It was hidden in the rows of others parked here by party goers. It wasn’t unusual for me to bring a partner here since it was almost always empty.
“Would you like to go back inside?” he asked.
I smoothed my skirts more fully now that I was standing, letting the large full silk fabric fall around me.
My dress was a light lavender, one made by Constantine, the top dressmaker in the kingdom.
I was always the first to get her lavish designs, and this one was no exception.
The top was fully lace, with long sleeves that were see-through mesh with lace decorated in different places, making it look like it was glued to me.
It was gorgeous, and I couldn’t lie, I loved the opportunity to wear these beautiful garments, but they always brought me attention at these things, attention that would become annoying quickly.
These outings were just good for passing time, really.
“I think I’m going to head home. It’s getting late.”
The man shuffled on his feet. He wasn’t horrible to look at—they never were. His blond curls bounced on his head, and he had a decently strong jaw. His nose had a slightly large bump, but it fit him. He was perfect for my purpose, but now that was over.
“Oh, I can walk you to your carriage if you’d like.”
“No thank you,” I demurred. “I can manage. You should go have fun.”
He smiled, like I said that for his benefit, but truly I couldn’t care less about him or his fun. He bowed to me, as expected. “Thank you, Princess.”
With that, he turned and walked back towards the Thurndra estate. Normally I would have stayed longer, but that deep knot in my chest was expanding and I just wanted to go home.
I made my way to the front and requested my carriage be brought around.
While I waited, a few more people made my acquaintance, glad to have caught me before I left.
Of course I smiled and made small talk I would never remember.
I was almost at the end of my rope when my coachman showed up and I was finally able to excuse myself from the small crowd I’d formed.
I threw myself inside and prayed we would start moving faster.
I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the cool glass window.
Sometimes the cold could help quell my coming anxiety, but tonight it didn’t do the trick the same way.
Luckily, their main house was right at the edge of the castle, so it didn’t take long before I was in front of the familiar doors of my home.
I thanked the coachman before hopping out, stumbling on my feet a bit. I didn’t feel very drunk, but I must have been to be so unstable on my feet. My heels clacked the hard stone beneath me as I trudged up the steps.
The thing about pretty dresses made of beautiful fabrics?
They were heavy.
The doors opened with a loud announcement. Should have gone through a side entrance.
However, the corridor was empty at this late hour, which meant I should be able to slip in unnoticed. Of course there were guards at their posts, and in these wee hours I was sure kitchen staff were preparing for the early breakfast, but no one who would stop me.
I managed to make it almost to my rooms when Sybil and her shadow Holland came around the corner. Even at this early hour she looked perfectly put together, with her hair back in a neat bun and her baby blue dress smoothed around her.
My eldest sister and I had always been antithetical.
Where she was responsible and put together, I was reckless and forgetful.
Something she reminded me of often. It used to be easier when our middle sister, Sorcha, was at home, but now she was married and living her happily ever after, leaving me to Sybil alone.
Though she was still as put together as always, something in her eyes looked a bit frazzled, but it was only for a moment, so I may have been imagining it.
“You’re back fairly early,” she said.
“Yup.” I knew it was better not to engage. I always said the wrong thing and right now, I just wanted to be alone. It was a blessing I’d lasted this long without having a breakdown.
“Did you have fun?” she asked.
I didn’t like her tone. It wasn’t casual, but judgmental in the way that only she was. “Did you?” I asked, my eyes flashing to Holland.
I knew it would get a rise out of her. I didn’t mean to rile her up, I just couldn’t help it.
It was probably in my little sister genes somewhere.
She didn’t even acknowledge my obvious meaning, and neither did Holland, but that wasn’t shocking. He almost never did. He was referred to as her shadow for a reason, seen but never really heard.
“You know there are more… constructive things you could do with your time.”
I snorted. Was there? Everything I tried ended in me being asked to leave, or find something more suited to my time.
Except there was nothing.
I didn’t have the energy to explain that to her though.
“I’m just doing what I do best,” I said with a wink instead. “Now if you’ll excuse me.” I tried to side step her, but she didn’t let me off that easily.
“What?” I snapped when she didn’t say anything. She stood taller than I did, so I had to look up a bit to make eye contact with her.
“Are you feeling okay?”
The question caught me off guard. I was hardly ever asked that. What would ever be wrong with me? I was a princess with nothing to do but hang around court all day and then attend whatever party I wanted to at my leisure. My life was one of fairy tales.
“I’m fine. Why?”
She gestured towards me. “You’re… fiddling with it.”
I hadn’t even noticed the cool metal and stone in my hand. The necklace that sat on my chest, the one I could never take off, played between my fingers. A nervous habit I’d developed over the years.
My hands tucked behind my back too quickly. “Nope, just drank a bit too much. And my partner really took me for a ride… so…”
Her nose scrunched at my crudeness, as it always did. “Was that necessary?”
I shrugged. “You asked.”
She sighed, giving up a bit quicker than normal. “I wanted to remind you about tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” I tried to pluck the plans from my memory.
Her brow ticked, just once, the only sign she was truly annoyed. “Family dinner. Sorcha and Zarios will be here.”
Right. We used to do it weekly, and still did without Sorcha, but a very special one was planned every other month with them in attendance.
“It’s on my calendar.”
It was obvious she didn’t believe me, but why would she?
I didn’t really scream responsible, not the way she did.
But these dinners weren’t something I easily forgot.
I was happy for Sorcha, going off and living her dream, but it did change a lot for me.
She used to be the one everyone felt they had to keep an eye on, and without her, I’d become the new reckless Yulean.
I’d always been the one sneaking out, the partier, but at least I never tried to sneak out to a battle I could lose my head in.
That was my sister for you, though.
We had a stare off I was in no state to participate in. “Can I go?” I asked.
She nodded, dismissing me. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Sybil sidestepped me, her shadow close behind. His blue wings reflected the dim light pouring through the windows. Holland covered her frame completely, protecting her wherever they went.
A slight pang hit my chest. I didn’t have anyone like that. But then again, what did I need to be protected from? She was next in line for the throne, and I wasn’t the heir, or the spare.
As if to respond, the tightness that had been staved off for a few moments came clawing back.
There was that, but no one could stop my own mind from attacking me.
My feet shuffled towards my rooms. As my door clicked shut I tried to focus on my breathing.
It’s something the castle healer had explained to me.
Four counts in, hold, four counts out, hold.
And it did tend to help make me feel reset most of the time, but tonight my thoughts ran rampant, uninterested in concentrating on my breathing.
Maybe it was the corset. Though this dress was lovely, the way it clung to my body was starting to make me irate.
That was the other issue with a dress so intricate and beautiful—a pain to remove.
Calling a maid to help would have been smart, but I could feel my hair touching the base of my neck, the pull of my skin that made it feel like it was its own entity, trying to crush me from the outside in.
I needed to stay calm. Freaking out only made it all worse.
Breathe in… two… three… four…
Moons, I didn’t need to relax. I needed this off.
My hands scraped behind me for the tie at my back.
It sat perfectly in the middle where I couldn’t grip either of the ends.
It felt like the corset was pulling tighter and tighter, slowly constricting until it inevitably crushed my ribs, breaking through and puncturing my lungs.
Or maybe they would somehow hold strong, and I would just be squeezed until my lungs were nothing but empty balloons.
I would be found on the ground in a giant pile of tulle, and become the talk of the kingdoms.
Eventually my finger caught one of the loose bow strings and I gave it a hard pull.
I heard something tear, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.
Maybe if I didn’t have an endless supply of fancy dresses, I would feel differently, but nothing mattered more to me than getting this thing off.
The laces loosened enough for me to feel like I was taking a long, big breath.
I pushed it off my body, forcing it down, assuredly ripping the lace at the sleeve as I did.
It was in no way made to be taken off this way, but I’d managed it, and threw the offending garment in the corner.
My body slid down the front edge of my bed, kneeling with my head against the edge of the mattress. Now I tried to concentrate on my breathing, with slightly better success.
I should shower, considering the amount I just sweat, but I couldn’t bring myself to. My arms pulled me up to my bed and crawled me forward until I was tucked under the blankets, as if I could hide there from my own attacking mind.
But it was all still too much. Every strand of my hair that was touching me felt scratchy, every place I sweated made the blanket stick to me in the most uncomfortable way. I was uncomfortable down to my bones, which felt like they were all vibrating in a way they shouldn’t have been.
Maybe I should have taken some of the medicine I was given for sleep, but it left me so groggy the next day. So instead I lay there, until my panic tired me out enough to drift off to sleep.