Chapter 5 #2
“I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. Do you suppose it’s possible that I never actually survived the walk to your property, and I’m dead in the woods somewhere?”
I cringe. “Fuck, I hope not. If you’re dead, so am I. And I’m not ready to go yet. I’m not letting you go, either.”
Her expression immediately drops. The light in her eyes dims as she lowers her chin.
“Hannah…”
“I’m confident God will not let me survive childbirth.”
I flinch. “Why would you say that, honey?”
She shrugs. “Because I don’t deserve goodness.”
“That’s total bullshit, Hannah.” My words are harsh, but I try to keep my tone somewhat softened. “I’m going to erase that nonsense from your head if it takes me forty years. You’re a kind and good person. You deserve the best in life.”
She inhales deeply and looks away, facing the front of the cabin. Suddenly, she gasps. “Holy cow. What are all those boxes?”
I chuckle. It’s funny she didn’t notice them when we first entered the room. “I told you I ordered a few things I thought you might need.”
She jerks her gaze to me. “Aaric! You can’t be serious. How could I possibly need anything, let alone all of that?”
“You’re about to have a baby, sunshine. Where do you think it’s going to sleep? Do you know how much a baby needs?”
She had picked up her spoon, but she drops it, and it clanks against the table. Her eyes are wide again. She’s so stunned she doesn’t even move.
I furrow my brows. “I mean, honey, at the very least we need diapers, bottles, tiny clothes, a crib, a breast pump, formula in case breastfeeding doesn’t work out, sheets, soft blankets, a nursing pillow…
The list is long. I’m rambling. After we eat, you can start digging through the boxes if you want. ”
Tears run down her cheeks. I’m not sure if she’s just emotional and can’t figure out what to say or if it’s something else. I don’t like the odd, dark look in her eyes, as though she’s hollow and hadn’t planned this far at all.
I reach across and cover one of her hands with mine. “Sunshine?”
She wipes at the tears with her other hand. “I ran away from Presley, hoping I could find someone who would take the baby and give it a home. My only goal was to give it a chance to survive, Aaric. I can’t keep it.”
I flinch. This thought never occurred to me. It’s possible I’ve royally fucked up. “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you wanted to give the baby up for adoption.”
She shakes her head. “It’s not about what I want . I don’t have any other options. I can’t take care of a baby. I don’t even picture myself surviving giving birth. I just want it to have a chance at life.” She sets her palm on her belly and holds it protectively.
I’m starting to think this isn’t about her not wanting the baby. It’s about her thinking she’s not worthy or capable of taking care of it.
“You have other options now, honey,” I say gently. “You’re here.”
“I can’t stay here, Aaric. I won’t be a burden to you. I belong to Presley. I’m sure he’ll eventually find me and drag me back home. If I live. I was desperate. The only hope I had for the baby was to run away until I could find someone to take it.”
“Hannah, you do not belong to Presley. Humans don’t belong to other people. That’s madness. You’re your own person. As I said before, you make your own choices from now on.”
“He’ll come for me.”
“I don’t give a fuck if he comes with a shotgun. He’s not taking you. And why on Earth couldn’t you have raised the baby in his house? It’s his grandchild.”
She shakes her head. “He’s done nothing but yell at me from the moment he found out I was pregnant. I kept it from him until just a few months ago, when I couldn’t hide the bump anymore. Ever since then, he’s told me a thousand times we’re not keeping it. He can’t afford to feed it. He…”
She stops herself, sucking back a breath.
“He what, Hannah? Finish that sentence.”
She lowers her head. “He told me it would die in childbirth anyway, and he would bury it behind the house.”
I release her hand and lean back in my chair, trying to control my anger. I don’t want to scare her. She’s easily spooked. I’ve learned that. I won’t raise my voice or make any sudden movements around her. I don’t want her to ever think I might hit her.
After several deep breaths, trying to pull myself together, I say, “Hannah, you’re not going to die, and neither is the baby.
No one is going to die. I’ve already called a midwife.
She’ll be here tomorrow to check on you.
We can go to the hospital in the city for the birth, or if you hate that idea, the midwife can come here.
Either way, I’ll make sure you have the best care available. No one is dying,” I reiterate.
She slowly lifts her head. Silent tears fall down her cheeks. She shifts her attention to the living room again and then back to me. “You bought things for the baby…”
“Yes, honey. I didn’t realize you’d considered not keeping it. I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped. If it’s money that concerns you, you never have to worry about that again. I have plenty. I will take care of you.”
Am I pushing too hard? I don’t want to impose my will on her, but I also suspect that when she gives birth and holds that precious baby, she’s going to see reason.
I’m confused when she pushes her chair back, grabs her belly, and stands. She leaves the untouched food to shuffle across the room toward the boxes.
I follow her, leaving a few feet between us. Mostly, I want to be close in case her knees give out. She’s so weak still. Wobbling with every step.
My heart is in my hands.