Chapter 38
Riley
It’s showtime.
The Avery Park Theatre is like a living organism, buzzing with a hundred people doing a hundred different things.
Noah and I were early getting here. I wanted to make sure his clothes were ready (even if they are just shabby, old school pajamas) and that he’s had enough to eat before everything starts.
Of course he keeps shrugging me off for trying to help.
Trying to make sure he’s okay. Trying to be his mom.
“Just remember to talk loud, baby,” I tell him.
“I know, Mom.”
I bend down to fix his costume. “And if the lights are too bright just focus on the people in front of you.” I add
“I know, Mom.”
“And if you get scared–”
“Mommy,” he says softly. “I know. I’m going to be fine.”
I smile with a quivering chin and pull him into a hug. I hang on for as long as he will let me and surprisingly, he doesn’t fully resist it. Not right away. At least not until Heather talks through a megaphone, rounding up all the little actors and actresses. Then Noah shrugs out of my hold.
“Mom. Mama…I gotta go,” he says and I let go.
“Okay. Yes. Go. I love you!”
As I slowly come to my feet, I watch him follow the other kids to the back of the stage, my heart swelling warmly in my chest. Brianna and Amber walk up together, standing on either side of me.
“He looks so cute!” Amber says. “Like a little hobo…”
“He does, doesn't he?” I say with my hands clasped over my chest.
“How are you doing?” Brianna asks, giving me a side hug.
“Oh you know. I’m just a blubbery mess,” I say through a thick mouth, both laughing and crying at the same time. “I was also dumb enough to wear mascara tonight.”
“Girl, I got you,” Brianna pulls a wet wipe out of her purse and hands it to me. “It comes with being a mom.”
“And I have waterproof mascara if you want to touch it up,” Amber says, pulling that of her purse. “You know, because I am chronically single and used to being disappointed by men.”
We all laugh and it feels good. It feels really, really good to be standing here with my two best friends.
Amber has been my bestie for life and as different as we are, especially in the last five years, she’s always been my constant.
My rock. The girl I can ugly cry in front of, laugh with until we pee and binge on Mexican food and ice cream until both of us have to switch from jeans to sweat pants and whatever else life throws our way.
And then there’s Brianna. My neighbor turned friend turned sister.
The girl who knows what I need before I even know what I need.
The one who understands singleness at its loneliest, motherhood at its hardest and yet still finds all the joy in all the things.
And she does it with grace– grace for herself, grace for the people around her, grace for the fact that her house is always a mess, always a hub for family and friends and always smells like she baked cookies about an hour ago. And honestly, she probably did.
It’s also nice to see the two of them getting along.
It’s not that they normally don’t but they have a tendency to be in separate departments of my life.
That’s something I can’t do anymore– compartmentalizing important parts of my life.
It all needs to be sewn together into one huge tapestry that is my life. Mistakes and clashing colors and all.
The lights dim and I find myself holding my breath.
The play begins and I have to admit, these kids are good.
Scrooge is played by one of the older kids who is around 12 and very boisterous, matching the angst of Scrooge like a king.
The Marley brothers are hilarious, fittingly played by twin boys (one with ESRD who got a kidney transplant from, you guessed it, his twin).
Bob Cratchit is the cutest little guy who is wise beyond his years and the ghosts are all perfect from a whimsical past to a hilarious camera ham present to an omniscient yet to come.
And of course, Noah is the perfect Tiny Tim. Precious and full of heart and hope just like real life.
“I might be biased,” Brianna says, dabbing her eyes with a hanky because yes, Brianna uses real hankies, “But your kid…your little Tiny Tim…stole the hearts of every person in this room.”
I am a mess as well and she hands me a hanky because, also yes, she has more than one on her at all times. Because she is a mom and because she is Brianna.
“Yeah he fucking did,” Amber says as she fans her eyes. “Jesus, Ri. I have no desire to pro-create but your offspring is amazing.”
I laugh at that, grateful for friends, grateful for modern medicine and grateful for life.
The kids all line up and take a final bow, all of the main characters getting a moment in the limelight.
When it’s Noah’s turn, he smiles from ear to ear, takes a generous bow and slides his glasses up his nose.
The crowd goes crazy, including a whistle and loud whoop coming from a guy standing at the back of the theatre.
A guy in scrubs standing at the back of the theatre.
A guy with a sharp jawline and silver streaks in his hair standing at the back of the theatre.
“What?” Amber asks, picking up on my body language and probably my expression which is incapable of lying, typically to my demise. “Who do you see?”
“Are you alright, girl?” Brianna asks, placing a hand on my forearm. But honestly? I am anything but alright. I am far from alright.
“He’s here…” I say.
“Who?” they ask in unison and then Noah’s face lights up. He dashes down the steps of the stage, faster than I’d prefer considering everything and bolts into the crowd…towards Cameron.
“Oh…” Brianna says.
“Oh shit…” Amber says.
And oh shit is right.
I watch, almost paralyzed as my child, my son, my reason for getting up in the morning and breathing on a daily basis launches himself only to be caught by Cameron who is grinning from ear to ear, saying something I can’t hear, hugging him, running his hand through Noah’s now messy hair.
“Jesus…” Amber says and Brianna squeezes my arm.
And my heart explodes.
And it’s like he can sense it. Because on cue, he glances in my direction. His eyes, bright and smiling, lock with mine and slowly his smile dials down a couple of notches. He smiles at Noah again and then his eyes come back to me.
“God save my ovaries…” Amber says as she watches.
“Stop,” I whisper but I can’t stop looking at him either. “I need to go get my kid.”
I head in their direction and Cameron sets him down. But before I reach them, Heather comes on the microphone.
“Thank you everyone for coming tonight. These kids did awesome, didn't they?
" She beams and everyone claps. “I think you all know what I mean when I say that we have a special bunch here. These kids work hard. Not just for plays and fun raisers which they definitely do. But every day. Being a kid isn’t easy for them. Nothing comes easy for them. Their fight is inspiring to us all. So that being said, if anyone wants to come up and say a few words for the kids, the mic is yours.”
For the next few minutes, different parents rotate through, talking about their kids.
It’s not a bragging way though, it’s about the fight and the things we have gained and learned by being their parents.
The privilege it is to be their parents.
When the line slows down, Heather takes the mic again.
“Anyone else?” she asks.
I notice Cameron shifting his weight a little. He looks down at Noah. Then at the stage. Then at Noah. Then at me. Then he raises a hand half way and jogs up to the stage and my heart stops. Moments later, both Brianna and Amber are standing next to me again.
“What is he doing?” Amber asks.
I shake my head. “I…I don’t know.”
And I don’t. The only thing I can do is watch.
“Hey everyone. My name is Cameron and I am Noah’s doctor.
But I like to think that I am a little more than that.
Because kids like him have changed my life.
Working in pediatrics has shaped and humbled and inspired me.
Because of kids like all of you…” he waves to the crowd.
“You teach us a lot, you know? How to see good in the small things. How to find joy and to be passionate and appreciate the world because tomorrow isn’t always promised.
It’s a gift to be around kids like this.
People like this. Especially you, Noah. I knew you were special the first time I met you.
But I had no idea the impact you’d have on my life.
You’re smart, colorful, funny, interesting and resilient.
And you get all of that from your mother. ”
My heart slams into my ribcage. Amber covers her mouth with her hand and Brianna leans into me. I hang onto her so my knees don’t give out as Cameron goes on.
“Five years ago and some change, I met a woman. It was a charity holiday party and I was struggling a little because my family had just gotten word that our father–Arthur Reinhart– was sick. And I was on my way to drowning my grief at the bottom of a bottle. But then…I met a woman. On a rooftop of all places.”
“Oh my god…” I say. It’s like a distributor to my heart but I’m not sure it’s in a good way. It’s beating so fast I’m worried I might go into cardiac arrest. I guess I’m lucky there’s a doctor in the house…
“She also just happened to be drowning some sorrows of her own on the same rooftop, as fate would have it. Although fate has a funny sense of humor because we got locked up there for quite a while. And unbeknownst to me…it would change my life forever.”
“Wait,” Brianna says.
Amber also looks at me. “Is he…admitting…?”
“I don’t know…” I say, my words all breath as I shake my head. Because I don’t. I truly have no idea what he’s doing up there or what he’s going to say next. But like everyone else, I’m just hanging on his words.
“Noah here told me recently that I was family. Like a dad. And I didn’t know how to react.
I guess because I’ve never wanted anything more than to be a dad.
Probably because my own father was the best in the world.
But I never believed I could have children.
Yet fate…like I said…is funny. Because Noah…
you are my son. And I’m so proud of you. ”
Everyone claps but I don’t think they understand what he’s implying. Hell, I’m not even sure what he’s implying. I’m in so much shock I can’t move.
“I’m sorry…but is he saying…what it sounded like he was saying?” Brianna asks.
I just shake my head, mouth gaping. “I really don’t know.”
Amber leans in. “Did he get a paternity test?” she whisper yells.
“I…I don’t know…” I answer.
“Hush,” Brianna says. “He’s headed this way.”