Chapter 18 #3
“You’re living your life, which is the only thing you can do.”
“I know that’s what I have to do, but this, with you…”
He reached across the counter to put his hand on top of hers, electrifying her with his touch. “We’re two people eating grocery store burritos and talking about life. No harm in that.”
Maybe it was the vodka making her brave. “Is that all it is? Because it feels like more than that. You dumped me onto your brother because you were attracted to me.”
“Damn Denny,” he muttered before he added, “Am attracted. Present tense. And the last thing I wanted to do was turn you over to Jackson, but I had to. Lawyerly ethics can be a bitch about things like attraction to a client. I hope you understand.”
“I’m trying to.” She put her other hand on top of his, trapping him. “I have no business being equally attracted, or sitting in your cozy kitchen, holding the hand of a man who avoids commitment like the plague.”
Julian winced. “Denny told you that, huh?”
“He mentioned that you’re not a forever kind of guy. Because of your parents, right?”
He stared at her for a long moment, so long she wondered if she’d messed up by mentioning his parents. “That’s a big part of it.”
“Why do you look surprised that I asked that?”
“Because most people don’t connect the two things—my desire to remain unattached and the mess my parents made of our childhood. They think it’s only because of what I see every day at work. I let them believe that, but the wound runs deeper, you know?”
“I get it. Why would you want anything to do with happily ever after when you witnessed an ugly divorce and spend your days taking apart marriages?”
He nodded as he looked down at their hands, piled together on the counter. “Weird thing, though…”
“What is?”
“That I have no desire to warn you off me or tell you to look out for yourself around me the way I normally would.”
“Is that unusual?”
“It’s unprecedented.” He put his free hand on top of the pile. “What do you make of that?”
“I don’t know which end is up right now.”
“I want you to know that if I hadn’t run into you at the store, I would’ve left you alone for all the reasons.”
“But you wanted to see me?”
“So, so much. You’re all I’ve thought about since the minute we met, even when I’m getting paid to think about other stuff.”
“I’m not sure what to make of this situation.”
“Neither am I. I’m in completely uncharted territory with you.”
“Can I tell you something?”
“Anything you want.”
“Even though he told me I don’t have to be, I think I should be involved in caring for Gabriel or at least visit him.”
“Where will he be?”
“In Santa Barbara with his parents, who I just met for the first time at the hospital last night. Ours wasn’t the only relationship to suffer from his illness.” She ventured a glance at him. “Do you think I’m crazy, after everything he put me through, to want to be there for him?”
“Once upon a time, you loved him enough to marry him and have kids with him.”
“Yes,” she said with a sigh of relief that he understood. “That’s it exactly, and I want to have a clear conscience going forward about honoring my vows. As I say that out loud, I realize it sounds incredibly quaint.”
“As someone who works on the front lines of the broken-vow brigade, I think it sounds admirable. But…”
“There’s always a but,” she said, smiling. “Okay, let me have it.”
“I’d be concerned about the toll it would take on you emotionally to be on the front lines of such a tragic situation after everything you’ve already been through.”
“I’ve thought of that, and I’m not going to lie. It does give me pause. My number one priority is being able to care for my kids and to be there for whatever they need.”
“Are you afraid that the emotional toll of seeing Gabriel decline and helping to care for him would make that too difficult?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. Well, except when I lost my parents, but that was a little different because it was an accident, not a slow decline.”
“But the emotional toll was probably similar, right?”
Isla tried to never think too hard about that time in her life, but she let her mind wander to the immediate aftermath of calamity. She was shocked by how easily she conjured up feelings of utter despair.
Julian pulled his hands free and moved around the island to put his arms around her. “Breathe, Isla. Just breathe.”
As she leaned her head on his chest, she did as he instructed, focusing on getting air to her lungs and then doing it again. “I’m okay.”
“Take another minute.” He ran his hand over her back, making her want to purr from the way he cared for her as if she were precious to him.
Stop, Isla. He’s already told you that you’ll never be precious to him because he doesn’t want that with you or anyone. Self-preservation had her pulling back from him when that was the last thing she wanted to do.
What was it about this man that had her head spinning?
It’d been so long since she’d felt anything resembling desire for Gabriel that the sharp sting of need nearly took her breath away.
What would Julian say if she asked him to take her to bed and make everything better?
The thought was so shocking, and the need so overwhelming, she had to bite her tongue so she wouldn’t say something that could never be unsaid.
He kept a hand on her shoulder while he watched over her, seeing her in a way she could’ve only dreamed of being seen in her marriage. So often, she felt like she was invisible to Gabriel, which had led her to expect nothing from him so she wouldn’t be constantly disappointed.
“What’re you thinking?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Why not?”
She glanced up to find him gazing down at her and noticed once again how stunningly handsome he was. “Because it’s wildly inappropriate.”