Chapter 28 #2
“What is it you’re really asking?”
“I might’ve been widowed for a long time, but what I walked in on the other night didn’t look like ‘just friends’ to me.”
“We had a really exciting and immediate connection.”
“Had? Past tense?”
“I mean… it’s still there, but we’ve decided to take a step back before it goes too far.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Not really, but I can’t handle any more heartache.”
“Heartache has a way of finding you even when you’re trying to avoid it.”
Her friend’s words were devastating in their simple truth.
Being with Julian could be heartbreaking.
Being without him would be more so. That much she already knew for certain.
However, she couldn’t and wouldn’t pressure him to change the rules he lived by for her.
Nothing good could come of that either. The rules he’d set for himself had served him well thus far, and he’d stayed true to them for thirty-eight years.
She had to respect that and find a way to move on.
If only she didn’t ache from head to toe when she thought about never being close to him again.
Today, she needed to focus on saying a final goodbye to Gabriel while trying to stay strong when it came to Julian. She appreciated that he wanted to help her through a difficult day and was determined not to make it worse than it already was by yearning for things that could never be.
Julian arrived right on time at two thirty, wearing a blue sport coat over a checked blue dress shirt and khaki pants. He looked so handsome that she had to curb her first impulse to hug and kiss him.
“You look beautiful,” he said with a hint of sadness in his voice that hadn’t been there before.
“Funny, I was thinking the same about you.”
Isla had worn a black wrap dress with matching heels.
She’d spent extra time on her hair and makeup, hoping she looked dignified for her last moments with Gabriel.
“This is surreal. I’m going to my dead husband’s wake with my former divorce attorney.
Have you ever experienced that scenario in your practice? ”
He replied with a small smile. “This entire situation is unprecedented in every possible way.”
Mrs. V came out of the kitchen. “Oh, hello, Julian.”
“Hi there, Mrs. Ventura.”
She handed a black sweater to Isla. “Don’t forget this. It’s apt to be chilly later.”
Isla hugged her friend. “Thank you for everything.”
“I’ll be thinking of you today. Let me know how it goes.”
“I will.”
“You should go before the babies wake up and want Mommy.”
“We’re going,” Isla said as she reached for her purse, which was hanging on a hook by the door.
“Julian,” Mrs. V said.
“Yes, ma’am?”
“Take good care of my girl today.”
“I will. I promise.”
“Don’t worry about rushing home. We’ll be just fine.”
Isla hugged her again. “Love you.”
“Love you more, sweet girl. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers today.”
“Thank you.”
Julian put his hand on her lower back to usher her out the door into warm, bright Southern California sunshine that was almost offensive on a day of mourning.
She would’ve expected dark clouds and a stormy sky on such a day.
The heat of Julian’s hand was comforting but also disconcerting because all she wanted to do was ask him to take her back to his place, where she could forget all the sad stuff.
But that wasn’t an option today.
He held the door for her, waited until she was settled and then closed it.
After he got into the driver’s side, he asked her for the address of the funeral home and punched it into the vehicle’s GPS. The map showed a ninety-minute ride through Calabasas, Thousand Oaks and Ventura before hooking north on the Pacific Coast Highway.
Unlike their previous rides together, he didn’t reach for her hand the minute they were underway, and the sense of loss was profound.
Their easy rapport was gone, too, as if neither of them knew what to say to the other after what they’d decided.
She wanted to ask him if he ached the way she did, but she couldn’t bring herself to pose the question.
He kept his gaze straight ahead, but a muscle twitching in his cheek was new and might be a sign of internal struggle.
“Are you okay?” she finally asked when she couldn’t stand the tension any longer.
“I’ve been better.”
“Did you have a crazy workday?”
“No more than usual.”
“Oh.” Did she have any right to ask other questions? “I hate this.”
He glanced at her. “What?”
“That it’s weird between us now.”
“I hate it, too.”
She waited for him to say more, but what could he say? What could either of them say that would change their reality?
They drove in silence for a long time before he said, “I miss you desperately, and you’re right next to me.”
Isla reached across the center console for his hand and held on tight as tears stung her eyes. She fought them back so she wouldn’t be red and puffy when they arrived at the funeral home. But she wanted to wail from the pain of it all, mixed in as it was with the sudden loss of Gabriel.
Julian had been such a bright light in the midst of incredible darkness. He’d come along at a time when she’d never felt so lost and shown her what might be possible. To lose him on top of everything else was nearly unbearable.
He brought their joined hands to his lips and kissed the back of hers.
With the breath stuck in her throat, it was all she could do to think or function when all she wanted was to crawl into his lap, let him wrap her up in his warm, loving embrace and stay there for as long as he’d have her.
A silent hour later, she could no longer remember why it had once been important to her to remarry someday, to give her children a stepfather to help raise and guide them. If it meant living without Julian Remington, none of that stuff seemed as important as it might’ve been if she’d never met him.
He took a call from Carson without releasing her hand. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Where you at, bro?”
“Almost to Santa Barbara.”
“What’s there?”
“I’m taking a friend to a wake.”
“Oh.”
Carson’s single word held the weight of everything that’d come between them. In it, she heard disapproval, concern and perhaps a hint of anger. All that from a single-syllable word.
“What do you need?” Julian asked him.
“Just wanted you to know that we had Beckett served with the RO and the C&D. He’d gone underground since the altercation with C, but we found the slippery little fucker and let him know we’ll be watching to make sure he stays the hell away from her and her son.”
“Great job, bro. Thanks.”
“It’d be my pleasure to update the client, if you’d like me to.”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“I’ll take care of it.”
“Anything else going on?”
“Did you hear why Dad is out of the office today?”
“I didn’t know he was out today, so no, I don’t know why.”
“Hmm. When was the last time he took a day off?”
“I can’t remember. Not in years.”
“I hate to say that Kaidan’s theory may have merit.”
“I can’t even think about that right now.”
“Me either. I’ll check in later.”
“Sounds good.”
Julian ended the call and then changed lanes to take the exit to downtown Santa Barbara.
Isla hadn’t been there since elementary school, when she’d spent a day there with her parents while they were shooting a commercial at Stearns Wharf. Signs for the wharf took her right back to a day she hadn’t thought about in years.
“Have you been here before?” Julian asked.
“Once, with my parents, when I was very young. They were shooting up here for the day and brought me with them.”
“Who did they work for?”
“Themselves. They were freelance camera operators and worked on everything from movies to TV to commercials and sporting events.”
“That sounds cool.”
“They loved the variety of it and declined many offers to be in-house at the studios. They met when they were in film school at USC.”
“I did undergrad there. Loved it.”
“They did, too. They were diehard Trojans.”
“As am I.”
“They would’ve liked you. They liked anyone who went to USC. That was all it took.”
He chuckled. “I’m glad to know they would’ve liked me. I’m so sorry you lost them the way you did.”
“Me, too. I wonder all the time how my life would’ve been different if they’d lived. I probably wouldn’t have been in such a rush to get married.”
“Everything would’ve been different, I’m sure.”
“I wouldn’t change anything, though. I have the babies I was meant to have. I truly believe that.”
“They’re beautiful, sweet and lovely, like their mother.”
“Stop saying nice things to me if I’m not allowed to fall for you.”
“My apologies.”
“Don’t be too sorry. You’re good for my ego.”
“Isla…”
She shook her head and pulled her hand free, even though that was the last thing she wanted to do. “Let’s not.”
His deep sigh echoed through the space between them, which might as well have been a mile instead of a foot.
Ten minutes later, he turned into the funeral home parking lot. Before she could tell him she could get herself out, he was there to help her down with his hands on her hips. A long, charged moment passed between them before he released her.
“Do you want me to go in with you?”
“That’s okay. I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“No, but I’m going to try my best to be fine because my kids need me, and falling apart isn’t an option.”
“I’ll probably take a ride out to the beach or something. Stay as long as you need to. I’m in no rush.”
“I could’ve done this on my own, but it’s so much better with you here.”
He leaned in to kiss her cheek. “Call if you need me.”
“Don’t say that, or your phone will be ringing nonstop.”
“I’ll always take your calls. Always.”
She smiled softly and eyed the funeral home’s Spanish-style building. “Well, here goes.”
When she got to the main door, she looked back to find him waiting until she was inside before he waved and got back into the SUV.
Isla could feel his reluctance to leave her there to face the tragedy inside, but she appreciated that he understood she had to do this herself.
No matter what the future held for her, she had to close the door to the past so she could move forward.
For better or mostly worse, Gabriel had been a big part of her life for much of a decade, and it pained her to think of never seeing him again and their kids never really knowing the man he’d been before his illness took over.
She’d make sure they knew that version of him and that Theo didn’t remember their night in the closet first when he thought of his father. Hopefully, that memory would fade in time, and others would come to the forefront when he saw photos of the joy his father obviously took in him.
When she walked through the main doors, a man directed her to the left for the Santana wake.
She signed the guest book and took a couple of the prayer cards that had a photo of a smiling, much-younger Gabriel on the front and a prayer on the back.
She’d put away one for each of the kids to have when they were older.
Maggie left her spot in the receiving line, which included Gabriel’s father, Ramon, and several other people who must’ve been siblings and their partners, to come to the back of the room to hug Isla. “Thank you so much for coming.”
“Of course. Thank you for planning everything.”
“We prayed for reconciliation for all the years we were apart, and when he finally called to tell us he was so ill… We were just so thankful to hear from him. It was a gift to have those final days with him.”
Maggie used a tissue she had balled up in her hand to dab at tears. “All he talked about was you and the kids and what a mess he’d made of everything. He had terrible regrets about not seeking care when you first asked him to.”
“It helps me to know that. Thank you for telling me. I wanted so badly for things to work out with him, for our sake as well as the kids’.”
She put her hand on Isla’s arm. “You were fighting a losing battle. The doctors said the tumor was probably affecting every aspect of his personality since he was a teenager, and his infernal stubbornness ended up doing him in. It explains so much but doesn’t make any of this any easier.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Would you like to see him?”
Isla didn’t want to see Gabriel in a casket, but she also didn’t want to shy away from a final goodbye with someone who’d once meant so much to her. “Yes, please,” she said, sounding much stronger than she felt.
Maggie hooked her arm through Isla’s and led her to the front of the room.
When the other people realized who she must be, they fell silent to watch her approach the casket, which was surrounded by floral arrangements.
The same photo of Gabriel on the prayer card had been enlarged and displayed on an easel.
They’d also framed a photo of him with the kids that he must’ve given them.
Isla’s hands were sweaty as she gazed down at Gabriel, whose hands were clasped around rosary beads. She was almost afraid to look at his face, but when she did, she was relieved to realize he was truly at peace now.
“That was his Abuela’s rosary,” Maggie said. “He was always close to her as a child. I figured he might want to take something of hers with him.”
Isla reached into her purse for the photos she’d brought of Gabriel and her with the kids and Gabriel with each of the kids. She handed the pictures to Maggie, who looked through them. “I thought he might want to take these, too.”
“You made a beautiful family together.”
“Yes, we did.”
“I hope we can find a way…”
Isla rested her hand on Maggie’s arm. “We will.” In another life, she would’ve known Maggie and Ramon well. She’d also know their other children and their families. In this next era, she’d make sure Theo and Mila knew them all. “I promise.”
“Our son was lucky to be loved by someone like you, Isla. We’ll always be sorry for the way he disappointed you.”
“I’m looking forward rather than backward these days. My heart is at peace where he’s concerned.” As she said those words, she realized it was true. “My only goal now is to raise our children to be good people.”
“Let me introduce you to the rest of the family.”
“I’d like that very much.”