Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The next day was a blur for Julian, with nonstop fires at work to put out, band practice where he had to force himself to concentrate so he wouldn’t screw up an amazing opportunity for his friends and a sleepless night during which he’d stared up at the ceiling for hours, contemplating which would be worse—to break his vow to his siblings or to live without Isla for the rest of his life.
With every minute that passed without her, the vow became less important. All he wanted was her. He longed for her. He had to force himself to drive by her street on the way home when everything in him was pulling him in her direction.
“Julian,” Mattie said Thursday morning as he stared into space while she went over the schedule for his half day in the office. The wake wasn’t until four, so he’d leave around two to pick up Isla.
He tuned in to Mattie, realizing he’d checked out on her. “Sorry. What did you say?”
“What’s wrong, sweetheart? You’ve been wildly distracted lately.”
Everything was wrong. Every freaking thing had been wrong since the minute he’d left her weeping in her bed because he couldn’t be the man she needed. “Nothing’s wrong. What time is Cresley coming in?”
“You can lie to some people, my love, but Mattie isn’t one of them. What’s weighing on you? Is it that sweet young woman that has your head turned all around?”
Of course she knew. He could never get anything past her and usually didn’t care that she knew him as well as anyone did. Today, he wasn’t up to baring his soul to anyone, even someone who loved him like she did. “It’s complicated.”
“Always is when it matters.”
Goddamn, but she could cut to the chase like nobody’s business.
“Are you in love with her, bebe?”
“Hell if I know.”
“Yes, you do. That’s the problem, right?”
He shrugged, feeling as helpless as he had back when his parents had been fighting over him and his siblings.
He hated that feeling more than anything.
Trying to prevent that was why he’d gone to law school, so nothing could ever make him feel that way again.
And now here he was… Locked in a situation he hadn’t seen coming, a situation that had taken over his heart and soul and his entire life, if he was being honest.
Was he in love with her?
Probably, yet there was nothing he could do about it.
“I hate seeing you like this, Julian. It’s so unlike you as to be frightening.”
“I’m sorry to worry you. I’ll be okay.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen if you allowed yourself to love this woman?”
His huff of laughter burst out of him. “Do I really need to list the worst things that could happen? We see the litany of things that can go wrong every damned day around here.”
“Oh please. Ninety-nine percent of that stuff would never apply to you. You’d never cheat on your wife or beat her up or try to steal her money or be abusive to her kids or get hooked on drugs or—”
“You’ve made your point.”
“Have I? My point is that if you’re looking at what goes on around here, or even what went on between your parents back in the day, and thinking you need to deny yourself the experience of truly loving this woman and her children, then you’re not as smart as I’ve always thought you were.”
“There’re a lot of things far short of cheating or abuse that can doom a marriage.”
“Absolutely, but will you let your fear of those things stop you from fully living? From fully experiencing love and contentment and all the things?”
“I hate to point out that you’ve been perfectly content without being married.”
“I would’ve loved to have gotten married and had children. I never met anyone I loved enough to have those things with. If I had, I would’ve jumped on him. Literally.”
Julian laughed. “I’m sorry it didn’t happen for you.”
“My life is full of so many things, but I’ve never been truly in love. I’m not sure I would’ve been strong enough to turn away from that if it had happened.”
“I’m not sure I am either.”
“Then don’t.” She put her hands on his desk and leaned in.
“Don’t spend the rest of your life yearning for what you let get away.
I’d think that’d be worse than gambling on her and having it not work out.
Regrets are a bitch, my love. Ask yourself how you’ll feel when your friend Denny tells you his beautiful sister is getting married again—to someone who isn’t you. ”
Julian ran an absent hand over his abdomen, which felt as if it’d taken a direct hit from a closed fist. “Years ago, my siblings and I promised each other we’d never put ourselves in a situation like this.
We promised we’d never get married, never turn over everything to another person who could ruin us in all the ways. ”
“That’s a very stupid promise to make when you’re too young to know better.”
“We were old enough to know… We saw it firsthand.”
“My mother said once that no one knows what goes on inside a marriage except the two people in it. Whatever went down between your parents was something only they knew about, because to my knowledge, neither of them has ever said what led to their split. What they put you kids through was all about wanting to win and not about what was in the best interests of their children. Those of us who watched that happen have never forgiven them for that.”
Her expression was as earnest as he’d ever seen it.
“If you let what those two fools did keep you from the woman you love, then you’re a fool, too. And the one thing you’ve never been is a fool, Julian Remington. Don’t start now when the stakes are as high as they might ever be.”
“My siblings would never forgive me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course they will. You’re their hero. You led them through hell and have never wavered in your devotion to them.”
“I’m nobody’s hero.”
“Oh, Julian. Yes, you are. That you don’t even see it only proves my point. They’d never stand in the way of your happiness.”
“You missed your calling as an attorney.”
“I’ve been attorney-adjacent my entire adult life. I’ve learned a few things along the way, and the number one thing is that true love is rare and precious. Don’t have regrets, my love. They’re a bitch.”
With that parting shot, she turned and left him to think about everything she’d said and how desperately he wanted to follow her advice.
His parents might’ve been fools back in the day, but their actions had left deep scars in Julian and the siblings who were old enough to remember the details of those seemingly unending years they’d spent at war with each other, with their nine children trapped in the middle.
They’d understood at an early age that the only way to keep from reliving that experience was to remain unmarried. And here he was, thinking he might be able to overrule a lifetime commitment to staying single if it meant giving Isla what she wanted.
He would’ve laughed at how intensely tempted he was to cave if the stakes hadn’t been so high.
Twenty minutes later, when Mattie buzzed to tell him his first client of the day had arrived, he’d done nothing but stare off into space, thinking about Isla.
Every moment with her had been pure bliss.
He’d never experienced a connection with another human being that could rival the one he’d found with her—even with Aimee.
If there was any one indicator that this was different, it was that. Aimee had been his only love until now. No one else had ever come close to making him feel the way she had.
Until Isla.
And now…
Julian gathered the case file, his notebook and pen and headed for the conference room where his client waited for him, taking thoughts of Isla and the things Mattie had said with him.
He wondered how he would think about anything else.
Isla had put the kids down for naps, showered and done her hair when Mrs. V came in, bringing salads for both of them. She’d come over to stay with the kids while Isla went to the wake in Santa Barbara and would spend the weekend with them while she worked at the Whisky.
They sat at the kitchen table to eat. “Thanks for bringing lunch.”
“No problem. How’re you feeling?”
“My stomach is in knots for multiple reasons.”
“You want to talk about it?”
Isla picked at the salad with grilled chicken, goat cheese and walnuts, usually one of her favorite meals. Today, she couldn’t seem to work up enthusiasm for food or anything else, for that matter.
“I’m anxious about the wake.”
“Which is only natural. It’s a very sad thing.”
“Yes, it is. I’m doing the right thing by not taking the kids, right?”
“Absolutely. They’re far too young to understand, especially if it’s an open casket.”
“Ugh, I hope it isn’t.”
“It’s apt to be. His appearance didn’t change much, despite his illness.”
“I can’t bear to see him like that.”
“As his wife, you could request that the casket be closed.”
“His parents should have whatever they want.”
“You have a say in it, too. If it’s too upsetting for you, you can request that it be closed.”
“I’ll think about that.”
“What else?”
Isla looked up at her, knowing she shouldn’t be surprised that Mrs. V saw right through her. “Julian and I have decided to just be friends.”
“How come?”
“We want different things.”
“What different things?”
“I’d like to eventually get married again someday, and he’s determined to never get married.”
“So live in sin. It’s all the rage. It’s not even a sin anymore.”
“I know, but I don’t want to rule it out forever, and he’s not into it at all because of his parents and the things he sees in his work. We decided it’s easier to stop it before it really gets started, rather than set ourselves up for heartache in the future.”
“Huh.”
“Huh what?”
“Nothing… Even though I’ve had my concerns about the situation, it was nice to see you smiling again. It’s been a while since I saw you like that for reasons that don’t involve the kids.”
“It was nice while it lasted.”
“Is he still taking you to Santa Barbara?”
“Yes, he said he wanted to do that. We’re still friends. We’re just keeping it real.”
“Is that right?”