CHAPTER 10 Amelia
Amelia
There’s a tiny person in my brain. Hitting me with a small, but very real hammer.
What on earth were in those cocktails last night?
I’m in bed, my eyes refusing to open, replaying the events from last night. Starting with the long, embarrassing wait to be stood up at the fancy restaurant and ending with Jake’s lips on my cheek.
Why did that feel better than any proper kiss in recent memory?
“Amelia, your alcohol-riddled brain is clearly making you remember it wrong.”
Even saying this out loud isn’t working. It had been only a few seconds maximum, but my cheek feels like it’s been forever changed. Jake’s lips have ruined my face forever.
PING!
PING!
PING!
PING!
The frantic notifications from my phone send arrows shooting through my frontal cortex (that’s in my brain, right?) and I blindly reach towards my bedside table where I know I’d plugged my phone in last night. The one and only responsible thing I’d done last night.
Peeling an eye open—why must the sun be so bright?—I read the first message. It’s from Dr. Dave. The Jerk.
DAVE: Amelia, I’m so sorry about last night. We had an emergency come in at the hospital and I only just got out of surgery. Can I make it up to you?
I see this message was sent at 7.33 a.m. He’d been working all night? Saving a life, no doubt. Maybe he’s not quite the jerk we’d labelled him.
I swipe the message away, leaving thoughts of Dr. Dave for later, and read the next one.
AMY: Bella told me what happened. I’m SO SORRY! Wait till I get my hands on Dave…
I sigh. Poor Dave. The wrath of Amy is quite the sight to behold.
BELLA: Are you OK? Call me! Come to the café for some hangover-curing treats.
This is why she’s my best friend. Already in solution mode for the damage those cocktails had caused.
I send her a quick thumbs up, knowing she’ll be worried about me until I respond and then read the last message, my heart racing as I do.
JAKE: Play me! LINK>
My heart sings as I press on the link he’s sent with the message, a grin splitting my face in two as the first notes of ‘New Romantics’ blare out of my phone. Jake can’t have known, but this song is a favourite of mine.
The words pour out of my body, my pounding headache all but forgotten as I channel the power of Taylor Swift and get my sorry butt out of bed. Bad dates be gone. I’m ready to face the day. Just like Jake had known I would.
*****
“So, we’re done with the dating plan?”
My friends give me matching sorrowful looks, and I harden my heart against every one of them. It’s all their fault that I’d been suckered into four dates from hell in the span of less than a month. I think it’s officially time to retire them as my matchmaking team.
“What about the month of horrors that I’ve just described to you makes you think I want to continue with this debacle?”
We’re sitting in Amy’s living room—Amy who’s been apologising profusely to me via calls, texts and carrier pigeons (OK, that last one may be a stretch)—under the guise of discussing the latest book club book. We’re supposed to be analysing the wonders of Emily Henry’s latest masterpiece, which I devoured and adored, but instead are focussed on my dismal love life. Again.
“But we only got up to the letter D.” This protest comes from Madi, who I had thought would be the last person to be on board with a matchmaking scheme, given her eternally single status, but who instead seems to want to see this whole thing through. Right down to the letter Z. I wonder if she has a zookeeper friend that she’s dying to set me up with?
“That’s more than enough terrible dates for me to know that it’s quitting time.”
“To be fair, you didn’t actually have a date with Dr. Dave.”
I throw a pillow at Lilly to get her to shut up. What about being stood up by a man does she not understand? I’m not exactly keen to give him another shot.
“OK, if you won’t go for any of the guys we set you up with, what about Jake?” Bella asks, a sly grin creeping across her face. What’s she playing at?
“Oooh, yes. Date Jake!” Lilly’s face is shining with excitement at this idea and I throw another pillow at her. For good luck. And to shut her up.
“Who’s Jake?” Sammi asks, her eyes pinging between me, Bella and Lilly.
“Jake is Robby’s delectably handsome, wiser and infinitely nicer older brother.”
When did Bella become Jake’s biggest fan?
“Robby?” Sammi looks confused. “Your ex-boyfriend Robby?”
“Yes,” I say, shooting Bella a meaningful look. “He’s my ex’s brother. So not an option for me.” Even though I desperately want him to be.
Shut up, inner voice.
“Why not?” Amy asks. Now it’s her turn to look confused. “Robby dumped you. Unceremoniously, if I remember.”
“Thanks for the reminder.” I humph in her direction.
“So, he left you. Ghosted you for the last six months. Why can’t you go out with his brother?”
The five of them look at me expectantly, and I shake my head. Surely, they know the rules of dating, the rules of society. You can’t just go out with an ex-boyfriend’s brother. It would be like cheating in the future. Or something.
“And Robby has a new girlfriend,” Bella adds to the case in favour of my dating Jake. “And he was and is a douche. And Jake is so yummy. I don’t see the problem.”
“You guys don’t think it’s wrong? That it would seem like I wanted Jake while I was with Robby?” This is a secret fear of mine, that it would look like I was unfaithful to Robby by being emotionally attracted to his brother while we were together.
“Is that true? Did you have feelings for Jake while you were with Robby?” Amy asks the sensible question and silence follows as I gather my thoughts.
“I met Jake first,” I admit, watching their eyes grow wide at this new piece of information. Well, all of them except Bella, who’d known about my first encounter with Jake from almost the minute after it happened. I’d called her from the bathroom stall that very evening. “I’d been waiting to meet Robby on a date. You know, that Love Is Blind dating app I used?”
They all nod. They lean forward, hanging on my every word.
“Jake came up to me at the bar and there was an instant spark. I mean, the man looks like Clark Kent, but hotter.”
“Amen to that,” Lilly agrees, cheers-ing her wine glass in my direction.
“But then Robby came over and we realised he was my LIB perfect match. So, I spent the evening with him. And really, he was my type. A musician, a bit of a rebel, a man who moved to the beat of his own drum. He seemed like the guy I should be with.”
“You wanted Robby?” Bella asks, only a hint of doubt in her voice. Because, upon reflection, who would choose Robby over Jake?
“I did. Jake appeared to be everything I didn’t want in a man. He was career focussed, married to his job and I put all thoughts of him and that initial meeting behind me. I went all in on Robby. You guys remember how mad I was about him.”
They give me matching, frowny nods.
“You were certainly infatuated with him,” Amy says after another pause. Infatuated. An interesting choice of word. “But I always wondered if it was more about the chase with Robby. He was never fully in with you, you know? So, you never felt safe. You were the one always trying to get him to commit.”
That isn’t how it was. Was it?
“That’s how you guys saw my relationship? Like I was the desperate one chasing after a guy who wasn’t into me?” My stomach churns at this. How pathetic am I?
“No!” Bella comes to sit next to me, rubbing my back in a soothing motion. “That’s not it. It’s just that with Robby, and really all your relationships, you are the giver. The one putting in the effort. You’re in 100 per cent and the men, they seem to…not be in it as much.”
“Is that how you all see my relationships?”
Their silence screams their answers to me.
Huh.I knew I had a messy dating history and that my parental example hadn’t set me up for a healthy view on relationships, but had I really had such an obvious pattern of dating men who don’t care for me as much as I care for them? Have I been unconsciously picking unsuitable men and therefore setting myself up to repeat my relationship with my father over and over again?
“Well, that sucks.” My bottom lip trembles and I take a sip from my wine glass to cover it up. Not that I want to be drinking, still nursing last night’s hangover, but it gives me something to focus on other than my emotional baggage being strewn all over the living room floor.
“You’re not the only one with terrible dating habits,” Madi says, a frown worrying at her brow. “I only attract men who want to settle down and get married.”
“What’s wrong with that?” I ask, perplexed.
“I don’t have time for any of that. What’s wrong with just a casual date, two people enjoying a meal together? Why does it have to go somewhere?”
“Maybe you and I should swap? I’ll date your guys and you can date my losers?”
We laugh at this, but mine sounds as hollow as I feel. I’d known my dating history hadn’t been great—a lot of no-hopers in that bunch—but I hadn’t realised how emotionally unavailable all the men I’d chosen to date were. There’s definitely a lot I need to unpack here. Time for a few therapy sessions, perhaps.
“So, that’s a no for dating Jake?” Bella pipes up, bringing us back to the original point of this conversation. Jake. Right on cue, my cheek tingles at the memory of his lips and I squash it all down. He’s not an option for me. He can’t be. I can’t be that person.
I’ve seen the devastation that’s left behind when a person cheats, and I don’t want any part in it. Even if it’s only the perception of cheating. In the past.
“I can’t do it.” Both my words and my voice sound as sorrowful as I feel, and my friends take pity on me, not pushing the point. Too much.
“I still think you can and maybe one day you’ll figure out why you’re actually pushing him away,” Bella says, holding up a hand to stop my protest. “But if you insist on being a martyr about this, I have one more guy for you to meet, he—”
“—Nooooo—” I elongate the word to really emphasise how much I don’t want her to finish this sentence.
“—He’s an electrician,” she continues like I hadn’t just said the world’s longest no. “And I had him lined up for the next date, knowing Dr. Dave would be a dud.”
“Hey!” Amy jumps in.
“I was right,” Bella tells her sister-in-law with a smug smile. “But this guy I’ve vetted and he’s perfect for you. Tall, blonde, handsome. He comes from a family with four sisters, so he knows how to be around women and hopefully treat them with respect. And he’s funny. Have you ever dated a funny guy?”
Turns out I’ve never dated a decent guy, so funny hasn’t really been on my radar. “Umm, no?”
“What have you got to lose by dating one more guy?”
“My dignity, my sanity, my will to live.” I tick the reasons off, counting on my fingers as I go. “I said no more dating plan.”
“Just one more,” she cajoles while the other ladies send me pleading looks. Clearly, my dating life is the only entertainment these women have in their lives.
“Ugh, Bella. I really don’t want to.” I dig my heels in, memories of the drunken Escape Room guy flashing through my mind. “None of this is worth it.”
“But you want to find someone, Millie. That’s what started all of this.” She has me there. I’m tired of being alone. Of being the seventh wheel in a group of coupled-up people. Of navigating my way through the world by myself.
My resolve weakens. Would it be terrible to agree to just one more date?
“Alright, I’m in. I’m giving you one more chance.”
The five of them look at each other, their faces alight with joy. “You won’t regret this, Millie. This guy will be perfect for you.”
Famous last words.
*****
I have five days to regret my decision to go out with Mike, the electrician. Five days where I visit the Love, Lilly café daily in search of a soul-soothing brownie and nothing more. Definitely not in search of a certain man with green eyes that flash behind mine whenever I close them.
“You’ve been here a lot this week,” the ever-observant Bella says as she sits across from me, a heart-shaped chocolate chip cookie in her hand.
I shrug. It’s not like she’s wrong. “I’ve been needing Lilly’s treats more than usual.”
She watches me closely, her brow furrowed. “Are you OK?”
I want to reassure her with lies, but I don’t. It’s Bella, and she knows me too well. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you guys said. You know? About only being with emotionally unavailable men?”
“That’s not uncommon, Millie. Lots of people end up in that sort of pattern. I think it’s a protective mechanism, so you don’t get hurt.”
“But I do get hurt,” I protest into my brownie. “I choose the wrong men to guard my heart, but still end up getting it broken when they inevitably leave me.”
She looks at me closely, giving me the best friend stare. “I don’t want to take away from any of the hurt you feel when your relationships blow up—”
“Gee, thanks.”
“—But,” she holds up her hand. “But I think if you’d been with someone you’d really wanted, really loved and they left you the way Robby did, you’d feel differently.”
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“Don’t get mad,” she starts and immediately my hackles rise. “But I think you chose these men because you know they will inevitably let you down and you won’t ever have to be in an actual relationship. You won’t ever have the fear of really getting hurt.”
“Ouch.” I rub my temples, my head and heart hurting at her words. “Is that what you really think?”
“I’m not a therapist, Millie.” She takes my hand and squeezes it. “It’s just something I’ve observed. Maybe something for you to think about?”
My tear ducts stand at attention as I look at the sympathy on Bella’s face. Have I really been choosing these Mr. Wrongs as a way not to get my heart truly broken? Is that why I can’t seem to let myself give in to the thought of a certain someone? Because deep down I’m scared to be in something real?
“I have some stuff to sort through,” I mumble, my shoulders slumping under the weight of it all. “Maybe I’m more messed up than I thought?”
“We’re all messed up in some way,” she says with a watery smile of her own. “Remember how long Daniel kept me at arm’s length because he feared getting hurt? Everyone has baggage by the time they get to our age.”
It was true; Bella’s husband had been terrified to let her close to him, guarding his heart that had been broken after the death of his mum. It had taken a lot of time and patience before Bella finally got him to open up.
“You just need to find someone worth taking the chance on. And when you meet that someone, you need to be brave enough to let that person in.”
Her last words are drowned out by the tinkle of the bell sounding, announcing a new customer.
“Jake!”
My head darts up and I’m instantly entranced by his green eyes, already zeroed in on mine.
“Ladies.” His deep voice, like always, is a balm for my jangled nerves. “It’s good to see you.”
I attempt to respond but my tongue has forgotten how to work, so I send him a smile instead, hoping I don’t look as deranged as I feel.
“You sit here with Millie while I get you your usual.” Bella skips off behind the counter, leaving the two of us to stare at each other. In silence because, all of a sudden, I have so much I want to say to him and I don’t know where to start.
“Are you OK?”
His voice, his damn voice is so soothing, I want to lie in bed and have him talk me to sleep.
I nod. Still no words.
“Are you sure?” His eyebrows are drawn into a point between his eyes. He looks really concerned.
Time to get it together, Amelia.
“Eh, it’s been a long week.”
“Want to talk about it?”
I do. I do so much want to talk about it with him that it scares me.
“I’m all talked out.” I motion to where Bella is flitting about, making his coffee. “But thanks.”
My phone chirps, the alarm I set to remind me to go to work. It’s been that sort of week, where simple things like getting to my job may slip through the cracks.
“I’ve got to go.” I’m reluctant to leave him, annoyed that we’ve only had a minuscule amount of time together. Most of it with me being mute. “I have to get to work.”
He stands at the same time as me. “I’ll walk you out.”
I want to protest, to tell him I can walk myself out without help, but then I also want more time with him. So…
“OK.”
“I’ll be right back, Bella,” he tells my friend as we walk to the door, her responding smile and wink not subtle at all.
“Take your time,” she yells after us, delight coating her voice.
Jake opens the door and motions me to walk in front of him, falling into step beside me as we walk down the block to where I’d parked my car.
“Do you have any plans for the weekend?” He sounds nervous, and I glance up to see him watching me closely.
I hesitate, not wanting to tell him about my date with the electrician. “Sort of.”
He frowns and I look away from him, keeping my gaze forward. Not a bad idea on this busy Richmond sidewalk, where one has to dodge both pedestrians and cyclists at any moment.
“Sort of?”
“I have another date,” I blurt out.
We stop in front of my car, a red Mini Cooper I love more than almost anything in the world, and I wait for his response.
“Another date?” He sounds shocked.
And maybe, annoyed?
“Bella is convinced this guy is ‘the one’.” I roll my eyes, still regretting agreeing to this one.
Jake takes a step closer to me, forcing me to take a step back, my body now pressed against the side of my car.
“You’re still looking for the one?” He puts emphasis on ‘looking’, like he’s stuck on that word.
“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. “I’m a bit of a mess.”
He leans in even closer, his body now touching mine, and I hold my breath. What’s happening?
“I happen to like mess.” His words, in that husky tone, send a jolt through me and I can do nothing but gape up at him.
“W-hat?”
“Amelia,” he starts, then stops, staring up at the sky, his jaw clenching. “I think maybe you’ve been looking in the wrong places.”
This echoes what Bella had just said, and I tilt my head back to get a better look at him, my heart racing with anxiety and…anticipation?
I gulp in a painful breath. “Jake?”
He leans forward and in slow motion, his face inches closer to mine.
“Have fun on your date.” He whispers this, his lip tickling my lips as he does. Then he straightens up, runs his hand through his hair at the same time as he runs his eyes over me, and with a deep breath, he turns and walks away.
Did he just almost kiss me?My body sags against my car door, the metal frame absorbing my body weight as my knees buckle over what had almost just happened.
He definitely almost kissed me.
With shaky hands, I get into my car and drag in some much-needed air. My mind is a pickled mess and I need to sort through it all to figure out what I really want. Who I really want. I can’t keep tumbling around in this vortex of ‘what ifs’.
My heart is screaming at me that Jake is the one I want, but my head is firmly taking control, warning me that getting too close to this man is a recipe for getting hurt. And as is always the way, my head wins the battle and convinces me that dating the electrician is the way to go.
And I let it win. This time.