Chapter 29
Fake it till you make it. That was Jenna’s new motto. She was online doing last-minute Christmas shopping for Blake. She was good with all the major gifts, but she just had her stocking stuffers to finish, and Ulta was perfect for those.
Her daughter was upstairs blasting Chappell Roan, and Asher was coming to pick her up for the weekend.
The Christmas parade was tomorrow night, and the cheer team had worked hard on the float.
Jenna was hoping the event would give her a serotonin boost. Seeing her daughter have the adolescent experience she hoped for as a teen might just do the trick.
Hello, living vicariously.
Maybe she’d even run into Yaya, and the woman could knock some sense into her.
She’d thought about stopping by, just to see if she’d take a few minutes to have coffee with her, she’d wanted to so badly.
But Yaya was a newlywed. She and Mr. Santino were settling into the cottage they’d just moved in together, and that was the difference between someone being like family and being family.
Jenna wasn’t family. She didn’t have the right to stop by.
So, she was stuck trying to claw her way out of her doom spiral all alone.
A familiar three-rap knock sounded on her front door. Did all cops learn that in the academy?
“Blake, your dad!” Jenna called out from the kitchen island. When there was no response or lowering of the music, she tried once more. “Blake!”
After her second fruitless attempt, she hopped off the stool and shuffled to the door in her slippers, oversized NYPD sweats, and Northwestern hoodie.
She opened the door to her ex waiting on the porch, pushed out the screen door, and turned around towards the steps. “She’s upstairs, I’ll go grab her.”
“Actually, do you have a minute?”
Jenna looked over her shoulder and saw that her ex’s expression was serious. That wasn’t good. The last serious conversation they’d had was when she’d shown up on Asher’s porch from Boston telling him she was moving to Hope Falls a year and a half ago. They didn’t really do serious talks.
“Sure.”
He stepped inside and shut the door behind him. They silently made their way to the kitchen, and she poured him a cup of coffee and set it in front of him before settling on the breakfast bar bench across from him and pulling her knees up to her chest.
“What’s up?” she asked.
He stared down at the cup, and when his eyes met hers, she nearly teared up.
She could see the genuine concern in them, and feel the love and care shining through them.
Asher was not in love with her, but he’d always love her.
She knew that. For a good part of his life, she was ‘the woman’ in it.
She was his first love, his first wife, and the mother of his first child.
He was madly in love with Ava, she was his soul mate, his world, his everything, but Jenna knew she’d always have a place in Asher’s heart. Always.
“What’s going on with you?” he asked sincerely.
“Nothing, I’m fine,” she lied.
Even during their divorce, they’d remained good friends, best friends at times, she knew he could see right through her. But he wasn’t her best friend now. He had a wife, and they were a family.
“It’s three in the afternoon, and you haven’t washed your hair, you’re wearing my old sweats, and I’ll bet you’ve watched at least four episodes of Dawson’s Creek today.”
“No, I haven’t.”
Asher just stared at her.
“Two, I’ve watched two episodes.”
“I know it’s none of my business, but Deacon seems like a good guy.”
“How do you…who said…why do you think?” Jenna did not like the idea of her ex knowing her business.
Blake. She must have told him.
“It’s Hope Falls.”
“Right.” How had Jenna been so delusional that she thought Asher wouldn’t hear rumors when he worked for HFPD and his wife was a Wells sister?
They owned Brewed Awakenings, which was gossip central.
Ava was a therapist, so she wasn’t there for the day-to-day operations, but she still got filled in by Viv, who also didn’t work there but somehow had her finger on the pulse kept everyone up-to-date.
“You’re scared,” Asher stated.
“Are you a therapist now, too? Did you get your degree through osmosis from being married to Ava?” Jenna heard herself being snarky and defensive, but she didn’t appreciate being called out like that.
“I don’t need to be a therapist with you. I know you, Jen. You’re scared, and you think that because of what happened between us you don’t deserve something good, but you’re wrong.”
Jenna stood up. “Okay, I don’t think we need to bring up old shit—”
“Sit down,” Asher stated calmly but firmly.
One of the things that Jenna had always loved about Asher was his air of authority.
When he spoke, people listened, they did what he said.
He could take charge and control of situations, but, in this particular instance, it was frustrating as hell because without even thinking about it, she found herself lowering back down.
“When you and James broke up and you apologized to me for cheating, I told you that you didn’t need to apologize because for all intents and purposes you were a single mom and that I’d left the marriage a long time ago.”
Jenna felt her eyes start to water. Cheating on Asher with James was the biggest regret of her life. Not that she thought she and Asher belonged together, she didn’t. Just that she’d hurt him. That she’d betrayed him.
“That conversation we had was before I was married, really married, now that I am…” Asher took in a deep breath.
He looked down at the table, his fingers spread out, and then he fisted his hand before he looked back up at her and shook his head, his eyes glistened with unshed tears.
“I knew I was a bad husband, but fuck, Jen, I don’t know how you stayed as long as you did.
Working undercover fucked me up. I was gone for months, you couldn’t get in contact with me.
When I would come home, I wasn’t there. I wouldn’t talk to you, I barely interacted with Blake.
I was a shitty dad. I was a shitty husband.
I was a shell of myself. For years, years, you put up with that.
I don’t know how or why you did that. But I should have been the one apologizing to you.
I’m sorry. What I put you through was…I have to forgive myself, and you have to forgive yourself. ”
Jenna knew that he meant well, but what she did was wrong. It just was. She shook her head.
“Jenna.”
She looked at him.
He reached across the table and put his hand over hers. “Jenna, you’re not your mom.”
She pulled her hand away from him faster than if he’d touched her with a hot curling iron. “I know that. Why would you bring her…? Why would you say… I know that.”
“Because I think that’s why you can’t let it go. It was something she would have done, and you’ve lived your entire life proving to yourself and everyone else you are nothing like her.”
Had she? Is that what she’d done?
He took a deep breath. “When we got together, you liked me a lot, but you didn’t love me, not like I loved you. I was safe, safer than the men who were always at your apartment. And then when you moved out at sixteen, it was scary, and I was there. I was safe.”
“Why are you saying this? I did love you.” Jenna felt like he was rewriting history. Maybe it wasn’t adult love, but it was love.
“Just let me finish, okay. I’ve been thinking a lot about this—”
“Why? Why have you been thinking about this? It’s none of your business.”
“We’re family, Jen. We have a beautiful girl upstairs who is half of you and half of me, and we made her, and she deserves two parents who are the best versions of themselves. You stood by me when I was at my lowest. You didn’t give up on me.
“Every time I’ve needed you, you’ve been there. We were getting divorced and you were dropping off my prescriptions, doing my laundry and making meals every night, leaving them on my doorstep—"
“How did you know—”
“I’m a detective. Also, Mrs. Murphy next door has a big mouth.”
“You don’t eat when you get depressed and you were recovering from being shot.” Jenna defended her actions.
She’d just wanted to make sure he was eating enough to get his strength back. And she knew he’d never do his laundry. And if she hadn’t gotten his prescriptions, he wouldn’t have taken them.
“When people were telling you not to let me see Blake, including a judge, you told them to fuck off. You told a judge to fuck off.”
She had done that and almost got found in contempt of court, thankfully, her lawyer was screwing the judge, so he let it go. She would have never kept Blake away from Asher. Never. She didn’t care what a judge said about his “state of mind.”
“Seeing Blake saved my life. I think you know that.”
She did. Right after he was shot, he had to see her those summers and holidays. It was what he lived for.
“So can I finish now, and for once can you please shut up and not interrupt me?”
“Fine,” she sighed, agreeing begrudgingly.
“All your life, you’ve been alone. From the time you were born, you were on your own.
No, worse than that, your mom didn’t have a child, she had a pawn in a chess game she played in life.
You had to quickly learn how to survive with the person who was supposed to love and protect you having no issues using you for her gain with no regard for your well-being.
She made you steal, pretend to be homeless and beg outside stores for money, and lie about having illnesses to get prescription drugs all before you were in kindergarten. ”
Jenna put a stop to all of that once she went to school and realized other kids didn’t have to do that and they weren’t real games.