Chapter 53
TRAVIS
It felt good to be back on stage tonight. I was only gone for two shows, but damn, it only proved that I can’t live without this shit. I fucking need it.
My voice was a little hoarse, but I don’t think the fans minded.
We file off stage. My adrenaline is going nuts.
I didn’t even take an Adderall today. This is the natural high I get doing this.
I told Calvin earlier to cancel my order for more.
I’m starting to feel somewhat anxious knowing withdrawals are coming and are probably going to be a bitch, but I can handle it.
Maybe Ellie will reward me for being such a good boy.
Speaking of Ellie, I haven’t seen her since I brought her lunch earlier. She normally stops in before the show.
I peek around as we walk back to the room, but don’t see her anywhere. Did she not come? I grab some water off the table and chug it to soothe my throat.
“Great turnout tonight,” Calvin says from the corner.
“Where’s Ellie?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Haven’t seen her.”
“Alright, guys, rest up. We’re back on the road at 7 a.m. tomorrow,” Tanner informs us as he strides toward the door. That’s it? No ‘band meeting?’
Everyone else trails behind him, including Penn.
“Yo!” I call, and he turns around, arching a brow at me. “You mad at me?”
“Should I be?”
Yes.
Penn comes over, taking the seat across from me. I wasn’t going to tell him, but the guilt has been eating at me. I’m ready to cleanse myself of all this toxic bullshit.
I sigh. “I don’t know where to start, so I’m just gonna say it…I was taking Adderall.” His eyes flare, but I throw up my hand. “I’m not anymore. I’m sorry I’ve been lying to you, but… Fuck.” I hang my head, unable to handle the hurt in his eyes.
“Why?”
I lift my head, frowning. “Why what?”
“Why did you start? When did you start?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t sleeping, and I was tired of being tired. I started a few weeks in.”
“Why stop now?”
I don’t want to confess the coke incident and how close I came to possibly dying, along with the thought of losing my band. How much I scared Ellie.
It's quiet for a minute before he nods, like he knows. In fact, he doesn’t seem surprised about any of this. I thought he’d ream my ass, but it’s almost as if he was just waiting for me to confess.
He stands up and slaps my shoulder. “I love you, you know that, right? I’m here if you need me.”
I swallow a golf ball-sized lump. Of course I know. He’s my brother, but hearing him say it hits different. Because we normally don’t. It’s an unspoken thing because it makes me feel funny. My own parents don’t even say it.
“I’m not the only one, either,” he says as he walks out.
The hell does that mean? Tanner and Liam, maybe. Does he mean Ellie? Nah, Ellie’s like me. We talked about it. We don’t do love.
Do we?
Just as I’m about to text her, Calvin pops back in. “There’s someone here to see you.” My hackles go up. “She found her way back here and says you know her.”
He steps aside, and in she walks. The girl I thought I’d never see again—never wanted to see again. My blood boils. She smiles at me, like she didn’t gut my nineteen-year-old heart and leave me a bunch of fucked-up trust issues.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Calvin says, closing the door.
I spring to my feet. “What the fuck are you doing here?” It’s been years since I’ve seen her—not long enough.
“You were amazing. I knew you could do it! I’m so proud of you Trav,” my ex, Candace says.
My lip curls in disgust. Is she for real? She never believed in me. She called me crazy for staying behind and not going to Cali with her because of my “little band.”
“Doesn’t answer my question.”
“I came to see you, duh.” She giggles. It isn’t sweet and soft on my ears like it is when Ellie laughs. It sounds like someone is scraping the inside of my ear drums with a rusty blade. She moves around the table to get closer to me, but I step away.
“You need to go. I thought I made it pretty clear last time I had nothing to say to you.”
“I apologized a hundred times since then, Travis. I thought we could move past that. Maybe start over? Be friends again?”
I scoff. We were never friends. “No thanks.”
“Did you know I’m moving back home?”
“How the fuck would I know that?”
“My brother said he’s seen you play a few times at home and talked to you.”
Yeah, I see her brother sometimes and we’re cool, but we never talk about her.
I shake my head. “Thanks for coming out and supporting the ‘little band’ you thought was nothing, but you can go now, Candace.”
She reaches out and grabs my arm. Her touch makes me uncomfortable. The only hands I want on me now are Ellie’s. Wait, what?
The realization is like a bus hitting me.
“Please, Trav, talk to me. I came all this way. Will you tell me about the tour and what you’re doing these days? I miss you.”
I peel her hand off my arm. “I’m not sure what you want to hear. I’m on tour, you saw the show. That’s what I do these days.”
She sits down, eyeing me with wide, shit-colored eyes. I feel nothing looking into them.
I cross my arms over my chest, and her eyes fall to my nipples. Glancing down, I realize that my piercings are pressing against the fabric because my shirt’s so damn sweaty.
She makes a face. “You got your nipples pierced?”
I blink at her. How did I ever think we were a good match?
She liked my tattoos, but only when I had a few.
I’d started getting them the minute I turned eighteen.
Once I started covering both arms, she said it was too much.
I’d already pierced my ears, nose and tongue, and she hated that.
Well, not the tongue ring. No, she liked that one.
She said I was overdoing it. And don’t even get me started on my mohawk. She begged me to have a “normal” haircut. Whatever the fuck that is.
Ellie loves my hair. Dyes it for me and knows the product I like.
“You look different.” She cocks her head, letting her eyes drink me in. “But I like it.”
“I look exactly the same, but I don’t care what you like anymore.”
She frowns. “You still hate me?”
“I have zero feelings at all for you.”
Her lip wobbles. “Don’t you remember the good times we had? I’m sorry for what I did, but I was young and dumb! Give me a chance to show you I’ve changed.”
I move to the door, jerking it open. “You had your chance.”
She starts to cry, but I don’t have to sit and watch. I don’t need to waste my vocal cords on her.
I’m halfway down the hall when I see Tanner. I figured he’d already be on the bus asleep, but he’s headed right for me, a deep scowl on his face. Much deeper than normal. Shit, am I in trouble? The fuck did I do now?
“Do you even like being in a band?” he asks, his calm voice a stark difference to his face.
“Uh, obviously I do.”
“Then why do you keep messing up?”
My shoulders straighten. “Ex-fucking-cuse me?”
“Cut the shit again, Travis. I know about the pills.”
I grind my jaw together. How does he know? Penn wouldn’t tell on me, and I highly doubt Calvin ratted himself out. That leaves…Ellie. But why would she do that? She promised.
I consider lying to him. He can’t prove anything, but lying is getting exhausting. I gotta man up and own my shit.
“I quit,” I say simply. “I’m done now.”
He flinches. He was probably waiting for me sell him some bullshit. He stares at me, and I think it’s the first time in his life he’s speechless. After a moment, he nods. “Good. You’re talented, Travis. We need you.”
Now it’s my turn to gape silently at him. Tanner doesn’t compliment me ever. What the fuckity fuck is going on? Did I OD the other night and slip into an alternate universe?
He slaps my arm and walks away. That’s it? He didn’t grill me or demand I piss in a cup to prove myself?
“We need to talk.”
I jolt and spin around. “Where the hell did you come from?” I ask Calvin. People are popping up out of the woodwork.
“Tanner just fired me!” he whisper-shouts.
My hand comes up to my face, trying to cover the smile that’s wanting to creep out. Damn, he works fast. “Really?”
“Yes, really!” He starts pacing in a circle around me. “He found out about the drugs thanks to big-fucking-mouth Ellie.”
My spine snaps tight. “The hell did you just say?”
“Ellie and her big mouth! How are we going to fix this? You gotta back me up. He can’t fire me without everyone else agreeing.”
He’s rambling, but I quit listening. All I can hear is my heart beating in my ears. She wouldn’t.
My feet carry me down the hall. Calvin yells after me, but I ignore him. I couldn’t care less about him or his job. Good fucking riddance.
I walk to the bus, texting Ellie as I do. I trusted her, and she let me down. It doesn’t make sense. What changed so quickly?
Travis:
That’s fucked up, Ellie. How could you rat me out?
She reads it but no dots dance. I wait, but she doesn’t reply. I slip on the bus to check on Cinnamon. She’s curled up with Liam, and I don’t have the energy to tease him right now, so I back away.
Penn’s sitting at the table, eating a burger, and I sit across from him. “Tanner knows.”
He looks up. “How?”
“Calvin said Ellie. She knew.”
He shakes his head. “Nah, no way Ellie told.”
“How do you know? It had to be her. It wasn’t you.”
He drops his food and sighs. “I knew Ellie knew something. I wasn’t sure what was going on with you, so I went to her room the other night. Saw you passed out in her bed. She wouldn’t tell me what was going on. If she was going to tell someone, it would’ve been me.”
My stomach clenches, a mountain of guilt and regret piling up. At this point it’s going to bury me alive.
“Who else knows?”
“Calvin was getting them for me.” I wince.
His jaw flexes. “Motherfucker.”
As he says it, Calvin and Tanner step on the bus. “Band meeting!” Tanner barks.
Here we go.
Liam slips by us and moves to the couch. Tanner paces the small area like a lion about to pounce on it’s prey while Calvin stands in the middle of the room, sweat beading his forehead.
“I’m just wondering what the actual fuck you were thinking?
” Tanner seethes. I remain quiet, too afraid to move or even breathe too loud and be the one Tanner turns his wrath on, because I know it’s coming.
“You signed a contract. No drugs. That included supplying them for our lead singer,” he continues, scowling at Calvin, who keeps looking at me, likely wondering when I’m going to take up for him.
I’m not. I’m going to sit and wait for my punishment and accept whatever comes my way.
“I was trying to help! He wasn’t sleeping.
He was passing out at rehearsals!” Calvin pleads his case, but no one is interested.
He knew my history. It was years ago, but Tanner was trying to protect me, protect us with the no-drugs pact.
Knowing how easy it would be for any of us, especially me, to slip into bad habits.
I have an addictive personality. When I like something, I really like it.
That’s why I work to not let myself get attached to things—even people.
My restraint is normally pretty good, but lately it’s been blown all to hell. I’ve been fucking weak.
“Get your shit and get the fuck off this bus.”
My attention slowly shifts to Penn. His voice is lethally calm. Even I get a chill from it.
Calvin’s jaw hangs open, his eyes wide. “How is this all my fault?! He was the one eating them like candy!”
Tanner’s eyes narrow, and I tense, waiting for him to turn on me and tell me how much of a dumbass I am. “Not only did you put this whole tour and our band in jeopardy, but you put one of my best friends in a fucked-up situation that could have literally cost him his life.”
My breath shudders in my chest. Fury laces Tanner’s words like he actually gives a shit about me. I mean, we’re all like brothers, but out of the four of us, me and him don’t see eye to eye on almost every single thing.
“Now get the fuck out of here.”
Calvin’s nostrils flare, but he stalks through the bus, grabs his bags shoved into the hall closet, and leaves without another word.
I tap on the door. It’s crickets on the other side. I pound harder. I know she’s in there. Where else would she be? She’s not on the bus or in the pool. I checked everywhere in this godforsaken hotel.
“Ellie, open the door!” I yell. “I have a key! You can’t keep me out.”
When she still doesn’t open up, I slide the card from my pocket and peek inside. The room is dark and quiet. Almost eerily. “May?”
I train my ears, listening for any sound. I squint, trying to make out anything, but the curtains are pulled tight, not even a glimmer of light spilling in.
As I take a step inside, reaching to flip the light on, my foot catches on something.
I slip, arms flinging out, grasping for something to hold on to, but my foot is sliding across the tile, squealing like a pig while my arms flail about in the darkness.
My foot kicks out from under me, sending me to the floor like a sack of goddamn potatoes.
“Fuck!” I scream, landing on something wet and… squishy?
I pull out my phone, flipping on the flashlight as my ass remains glued to the floor. I sit up, shining the light around me. What the fuck?
White boxes surround me.
What is…is that donuts? I hop up, nearly slipping again. Looking down at the pile of smashed donuts, I cringe. Jelly and chocolate are all over the floor and stuck to my ass. Jesus Christ, it looks like someone murdered a donut factory in this place.
Yeah, it was me. I massacred at least twenty donuts with my big-ass body. There are multiple boxes scattered across the floor and a fresh dozen all over me.
Why does she have so many donuts?
This is bad. Real fucking bad. Fuck!
Scrambling, I hit the light switch. When it illuminates the room, I find it empty. No surprise. She would’ve come running had she heard me killing her precious donuts. I rush out, leaving a trail of donut flakes and crumbs behind me.