40| Forbidden
I was currently sitting behind the building, staring at the cigarette in my hand, contemplating if I should do it. And I've been doing this for 15 minutes.
"Don't do it." I looked up, seeing Emma standing there, the door softly closing behind her.
I didn't say anything to her, just stared at the cigarette.
I don't know what to do or what to tell her.
I felt horrible. I felt like a piece of shit.
I felt like I didn't deserve her. Maybe I don't. She's right.
She's had so much patience with me, she's been so determined and persistent.
Of course, she's not gonna like it when I call her by my dead ex-girlfriend's name.
And I know it's not my fault because it's not like I'm doing it on purpose, but I'm doing it and I'm hurting her.
It's the period before lunch and I've been sitting out here for pretty much all my classes until now.
"Is the seat between you and the dumpster taken or can I sit there?" she asked.
"All yours," I said, tossing the cigarette away.
She sat beside me, her arm against mine, her legs against mine. "I'm sorry, I could have said all that a little nicer," she apologized.
"You've been patient for long enough, I don't blame you," I said, staring at our shoes. Her feet are so small against mine. She's tiny herself. 5'4 only. It's cute, I love it.
"But still," she sighed. "I hurt you, I'm really sorry."
"I hurt you more. I'm sorry too," I whispered.
She linked her arm with mine and rested her head on my shoulder. "You get where I'm coming from, right?"
"Yeah, I do," I replied, "I just don't know how to make it stop. I do it subconsciously."
"I know you do it subconsciously, that's why I'm not breaking up with you." I looked down at her. "I'm serious, otherwise I would have."
"That easily?"
"It would kill me," she scoffed. "But it would be the right thing to do."
"Emma, I'm really sorry I called you by her name. I seriously am. And I swear I'll try not doing it. Even though I'm unconscious in my sleep. Don't be angry with me, please? I hate fighting with you," I whispered.
"I hate fighting with you too, I just... we have to do what's right, Nathan. Otherwise, everything will be wrong. And everyone will get hurt." We fell into silence, staring at each other.
"I really wanna do something I shouldn't."
"What?" she asked.
"I really wanna say something that's forbidden."
It clicked in her eyes. "Don't say it," she shook her head, "Nathan, wait. We have to go slow."
"Just because I say it doesn't mean things have to change between us."
"Yeah, but they will. We'll feel the difference. It'll be more serious. We'll have to cradle this relationship and take care of it."
"We'll be taking care of it regardless. Emma, I want to say it."
"It's forbidden," she argued.
"I'm not saying it for you to hear it, I'm saying it for myself to know I said it."
"Then say it when I'm asleep. So I don't hear it. Nathan, we'll feel the responsibility of this relationship if you say it. We should take it slow, at least we'll know that we have time."
"Do we have time? I want you to know it before you know everything about the accident. So, I don't have time. I need to tell you that-"
"Don't!"
"That I love you."
"In a week?" she deadpanned.
"And a half, kind of," I nodded. She sighed, staring at me with a defeated look. "Emma, I have never wanted a person more than I have you this fast. I care about you more than I do about anyone else. You brought me out of a really dark place and you did it so quickly."
"I've known you for longer than a month, Nathan."
"I've liked you since the first week you were here," I admitted. She ran a hand through her hair, biting down on her threatening smile. "And I've loved you before I asked you out. Before I kissed you." She stared at me, comprehending my words. "I think I just didn't know it."
"We're gonna regret this when things get difficult, Nathan."
"We'll handle it," I shrugged. "I just had to say it. That's really selfish, but it's true."
She stared at me for a minute before brushing my hair out of my eyes. "I love you too," she whispered.
"Say that louder, I don't think I heard you," I smirked. She shoved me hard, rolling her eyes while I laughed. I sat upright, looking at her. "I can't believe I just said I love you and we haven't even had sex."
"There's a long way to go for that one, buddy," she patted my shoulder.
"And how long have I gotta go to get a kiss?" I smirked.
"Not that long," she smiled while leaning in, her lips colliding with mine. We faintly heard the bell ring from inside the building, suggesting that it was now lunch break. She pulled away slowly, looking up at me.
"I guess we can kiss and make up for this one," I chuckled.
"Shut up," she smiled, fighting a blush as we stood up and went back into the building.
???????????????
I was waiting at the main gate for Emma after school ended. I'm leaving her place today. "Brandon!" I called out. He turned around and walked back over to me while Kendall waited for him. "I'm coming to yours tonight."
"For the apartment?" I nodded to answer. "Cool, I'll see you then," he said before jogging back down, leaving hand in hand with Kendall.
"Hello, gorgeous." I turned around, seeing Emma grinning at me as she took my baseball cap off my head, which I put on after gym, and put it on herself. "What's up? Waiting for me?" she smirked. She looks really hot when she smirks, I should tell her that.
"Yes, because I don't get to drive you back because someone wanted to drive on their own this morning and left in a pissy mood," I said, shooting her a pointed look.
"Yeah, well we were both at fault in our own places."
"Fair enough. Anyway, I'm leaving your place today," I said, taking my hat back and putting it on.
"No, that's today?" she asked, whining.
"Yeah, I'm going to Brandon's."
"Why not tomorrow?"
"That's called procrastination."
"That's called postponing the event," she rolled her eyes.
"I have to get that apartment set up as soon as possible."
"Does your dad know that we've already started packing up your room?"
I shook my head to answer her. She gave me a pointed look. "Don't give me that look, he'll know when I've left."
"What? What if he comes into your room?"
"Then he's invading my privacy by snooping around my room while I'm not home."
She nodded in agreement. "So, where are you going right now? To Brandon's or..."
"No, I'm still coming back to yours. I've got to get my stuff. Then I'll head out to Brandon's."
"Okay, can you leave later though?"
I nodded while smiling, "Okay."
"Oh, also," she said as we made our way down the steps and to the parking lot. "Can I come with you when you're moving into the apartment? I haven't seen it yet."
"Sure."
"So, I'll see you at my house?" she asked, stopping because her car was to the left, mine was to the right.
"Yes, ma'am."
She grinned, grabbing my shirt and pulling me into a quick kiss. "Bye," she whispered against my lips before pecking them and then pulling away.
"Bye," I grinned, letting her hand go. I went to my car and turned it on, following hers to her house.
I parked my car behind hers in the driveway and then we both turned them off and climbed out. "That was so weird," she chuckled while unlocking the front door.
"I'm kind of hungry," I said, pulling her into the kitchen with me. "You got anything to eat?"
"Uh, loads of candy, some cookies, Oreos, and probably some chips. Unless one of us cooks something up."
"Rock, paper, scissors?"
"No, I think you're a better cook than me."
"Then I can teach you," I smirked, backing her up against the counter, placing my hands on the counter behind her so I had her trapped.
"Okay, what are we gonna make?" she asked.
"Babies," I taunted.
She rolled her eyes, pushing me back. "What about chicken wings? You know how to make that?"
"I sure do, but it's a little lengthy process. Let's start off with... lasagna."
"But I already know how to make lasagna," she pouted.
"Then we'll make it together, babe," I chuckled.
"Okay," she shrugged, gathering all the ingredients and placing them on the counter while I set the oven to pre-heat. "You know if you're hungry it would just be faster to order something?" she asked when we were already halfway through the whole process of making lasagna.
"We're already halfway through now, no going back. But I am starving now," I mumbled.
"Wow, aren't you just that smart?" she asked sarcastically.
"Shut up," I laughed.
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