7. Dani
BELLA
ME
hey bells, can you come pick me up?
i need to go home and take a nice, hot shower
I stare off into space.
All I can think about is Noah. I want to know what’s going on that head of his which is covered in that thick, dirty blonde hair.
Wow, what is going on with me?
The elevator dings and the doors open, snapping me out of my staring contest with the interior of the doors in front of me.
BELLA
I’m in the car. Do you want to talk about what happened?
ME
i’d rather talk to you about everything in person
BELLA
Ah, I’m guessing this is earth-shattering stuff you want to talk to me about
ME
i wouldn’t say earth-shattering, but i’m just going to say sure because i know you’re trying to get an answer out of me that i’m not going to give over text
BELLA
Fine, have it your way
Walking down the hallway of the main floor of the hospital, I drag my feet along the way. I’m about to reach the sliding glass doors when I realize I need to go to the bathroom. Turning around, I push the door open to enter the ladies’ room.
Strutting out of the bathroom stall, I look up at my reflection in the mirror as I wash my hands.
My eyes are a little red and glassy.
I really didn’t get enough sleep last night to function like a normal human today, but I don’t care.
I’d do it again.
For Lizzie.
I walk towards the sliding glass doors and feel the warm, humid Florida air slapping me in the face. I stand a little toward the left of the doors near a bush full of pink Jessica Pentas until I hear a buzzing noise and run away like a child.
I don’t like anything that crawls, moves, or flies.
Never have and never will.
BELLA
Be there in 5 mins
ME
isn’t texting and driving against the law in the state of florida?
BELLA
For the record, I would never text and drive. I’m speaking into my phone
ME
that’s still texting and driving
BELLA
It’s speaking and driving. there’s a difference
Bella’s Jeep Wrangler turns into the hospital entrance.
She pulls up in front of me, rolling the window down. “Hey, what have I missed?”
“Uh, where’s my car?”
“Oh, you know me, I can’t stay away from this baby for too long.” She slides her hand down the steering wheel and turns her head towards me. “I took yours home, it’s waiting for you. Anyway, fill me in on what”s going on.”
I turn my sarcastic charm on. “Oh, you know, just your basic run-of-the-mill stuff. My mom’s best friend’s husband passed away. And her daughter has a long ass road to recovery ahead of her. No biggie.”
I get into the passenger seat, placing my purse in front of me on the floor and buckling my seatbelt in. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
There’s an underlying look of concern that takes over Bella’s face. “Dani, I’m so sorry.” She pulls me in for an embrace that’s squeezing tears out of me. “How’s Laura?”
“She’s a mess.”
“And how are you?” she asks, her eyes searching for an emotional response from me.
“I’d say about the same.”
“Dani, I know this is hard for you. I also know how much Ben meant to you. Please talk to me.”
I bring my legs up to my chest.
God, I hate talking about grief. It’s a vicious never-ending cycle.
I’m staring at the dashboard because I can’t make eye contact with her. “I’ve known Ben since I was a baby. A baby, Bella. Losing him feels like I lost Dad all over again.” I pause for a brief moment. “When my dad passed away, Ben became a father figure for me. He was my personal cheerleader. During the remainder of my high school career, he’d cheer me on. Whether it was for academic achievements or progress I made on my novel despite his son’s disapproval and the fact that we stopped talking altogether. When mom called the Kaplans to tell them I got accepted into SCU, I could hear him cursing and screaming like crazy.” I catch my breath as tears continue streaming out of my eyes. “Watching the way Noah completely shut down after Dr. Miller told him Ben passed away, it felt like I traveled back in time to when Mom told me about Dad passing away.”
Bella looks at me tenderly. “I don’t know what it’s like to lose a father. Not that way. But, I do know this, you’re going to blame yourself. Even if it’s not your fault. I know you did this when your dad passed away. It’s unfortunately become somewhat normal for people who lose their loved ones. Even if they don’t actually pass away. Even if they just leave.” Her lips quiver, eyes blinking to stop the tears from forming. “Dani, you’re one of the strongest people I know. You’re going to get through this. And I know your relationship with Noah hasn’t always been the best. But, you’re going to have to put your animosity aside. He needs you.”
He needs you.
Her words hit me straight in the chest, shooting into my heart.
She switches gears on me. “While we’re on the subject of Noah, how was it seeing him for the first time in five years?”
Confusing as hell. Can we just go?
“The same. He’s still the same irritating piece of shit. Nothing’s really changed.”
She squints her eyes at me. It’s like she knows I’m lying and telling the truth at the same time. “Yeah, yeah, that’s great and all. Not surprising he hasn’t grown out of his ‘I’m an asshole and I don’t care’ phase. I want to know what he looks like compared to the last time you saw him.”
I lift one of my eyebrows up, expressing my confusion. I hesitate before asking this, but I end up blurting it out anyway. “Why?”
She looks at me, puckering her lips out and her eyes start looking around in different directions. “Oh, you know, for research purposes.”
I roll my eyes, giving her my best sarcasm-filled laugh. “Right, sure. For research purposes.” I wink at her, shaking my head.
She raises her eyebrows up and down and a wicked grin appears across her face. “This is important information. Now, spill it.”
I let out a breath. “I don’t know. He looks the same. Just older.”
“Well, duh. Of course, he looks older. You’re going to need to be more specific. I can say if he looks anything like he did five years ago, you’re in trouble. Deep. Trouble.”
Not helping, Bella.
I close my eyes, letting silence consume the car for a couple of minutes, there’s no way I could look at her right now.
Bella takes a quick glance at me, her mouth opening wide despite trying to keep her focus on the road. “Danielle Solomon, are you telling me he got even more attractive?”
I place my hands on my warm cheeks. A half smile appears on my face, eventually turning into a full smile. “This is ridiculous.”
She smirks. “He did, didn’t he?”
“I can’t confirm, nor deny.”
“You’re so full of shit. C’mon, tell me. I’m dying to know. You didn’t text me at all yesterday to rant about him or anything. Something’s obviously changed.”
“To be completely honest with you, we were able to be in the same room without murdering each other for the first time in…forever. When I was in the elevator going up to the fourth floor, I was dreading having to see his stupid face again. That all changed when he had two panic attacks.”
Her mischievous facial expression transforms into one that reeks of motherly instincts. “Oh, Dani.”
“I saw too much of myself in him both times and it freaked me the hell out. I knew I had to help him. I mean, I was helping Noah—a guy I’ve hated since we were kids. A guy who always tried to crush me at everything. Whether it was school or a dumb board game.” I pause to catch my breath. “I ended up holding his hand. He fell asleep in the crook of my neck. That’s not even the crazy part, though.”
Eagerness is written all over Bella’s face. “There’s more? Please tell me there’s more!”
“Oh, there’s more…I slept over at the hospital last night to keep an eye on Lizzie. He brought me an iced tea this morning because he knows I don’t like coffee. He sang the Mickey Mouse March song to me. I haven’t heard that song since I was a kid. Anyways, my dumbass forgot I took off my bra the night before. He kept staring at my breasts!”
“Oh, shit!” She brings her hands to her mouth, covering it as the white part of her eyes gets bigger.
“I put my clothes on so fast. My eyes may or may not have wandered to his ass to get back at him.” My lips pucker out towards the right side of my face and I shrug my shoulders.
“Okay, so let me get this straight. You were checking each other out?” A psychotic laugh comes out of Bella’s mouth, catching me off guard so much it makes me jump.
I nod my head. “Uh-huh. Well, at least, I think so.”
Hearing myself say all this stuff out loud to Bella makes it even more real.
It terrifies me because Noah has never been “sweet” to me. He’s always been egotistical, annoying, and a total dickhead. He never used to compliment me, or dared to stare at my chest.
He was just a shitty human being.
He’s not so shitty anymore.
“You never answered my question from earlier. Is he more attractive than he was five years ago?”
I cross my arms as my cheeks grow warm. “I can say without a doubt Noah Kaplan has gotten more attractive since the last time I saw him.” My voice is full of sarcasm.
Why the hell did I just admit that out loud?
I tilt my head, raising my shoulder up a bit, so my head touches it.
Bella licks her lips. “I say this because I love you, and I want to be honest with you,” she tells me as she puts the key into the ignition. “You’re so fucked.”
“Thank you for that. There’s just something I don’t understand. Why did all this have to happen now? Why did I choose now to do this?”
“Choose now to do what? Realize you might actually have feelings for Noah? Like, romantic feelings? Not the kind of feelings where you want to punch him in the face?”
I shrug.
As we drive, Bella stops bugging me about Noah as I take in the views of Sunset Cove.
It’s a picturesque coastal small town with beaches and palm trees. The water is crystal clear blue with giant waves constantly crashing onto shore. The palm trees are standing proud and tall.
Our town is a hub for artists of all kinds and has been for decades. The art community keeps growing every single year. That’s why Sunset Cove University offers so many incredible art programs for its students. As a creative individual, I’m very thankful I have access to them.
I’m grateful I was able to grow up in a town where I could walk to Loggerhead Beach from my house. Not a lot of people can say they had that. I am one of the lucky ones that can say they did.
Loggerhead opens a floodgate of memories.
There’s one in particular I will always remember.
It was my seventh birthday.
Dad thought it would be fun to take Mom and me to the beach. The Kaplans joined us, including Noah. Probably because his parents forced him to go.
Lizzie and I built sandcastles for hours. We had our plastic shovels and molds to help us out.
Noah was miserable until he decided to run over our sandcastle masterpieces.
I was devastated. I gave him the dirtiest look while he was laughing like a villain from a cartoon movie. I got up and chased him a good distance down the beach until he just stopped running. He stopped right in front of me and stuck his tongue out at me.
For that, I punched him in the face.
His nose was bleeding.
I got yelled at.
He got yelled at.
Over the years, our teasing became dubbed as War of Words. We’d just obliterate each other with words. I looked forward to it, especially after my dad’s passing. It distracted me from the grief-filled thoughts that consumed me every single day until it all came to a sudden halt.
Five years to be exact.
We’re not those seven-year-old kids anymore.
Sometimes I miss being that age. It would be nice to not have to worry about responsibilities and hone in on a career that will help me live a stable life.
When you’re a kid, everything seems so easy. You don’t have to worry about paying bills, searching for a healthcare plan, or going to work to be able to afford rent and other necessities.
I’m pulled out of my memories as Bella pulls up to the front of the house. I didn’t even realize how long I zoned out.
You can’t get any more beachy than the Solomon family home.
It’s a mid-sized two-story Colonial with an exterior that’s covered in light grayish blue shingles, white detailing, and multiple shades of gray that make up the roof. What ties it all together is the front porch which overlooks a zoomed-out view of the ocean.
The front of the house is lined with an eye-catching variety of flowers. I missed seeing a home full of life and color. Hightower has nice landscaping but it doesn’t compare to the magic Mom is able to create.
I haven’t been home since Hanukkah.
That was six months ago.
I’ve had no reason to come back home because I’ve been so busy working on my debut novel and my coursework.
I’ve had no time to see Mom in person. There’s not a day that goes by where we don’t talk, whether it’s through texting or FaceTime.
Bella turns to me. “Are you okay?”
I stare at the house, turning my head and peeling my eyes towards her direction. “I know six months isn’t a long time to be away, but it’s strange being back here.”
Bella switches positions, turning more in her seat to face me. “Six months is a pretty long time to be away from home, Dani. Especially when you only live an hour away.”
I don’t want to talk about how I’m feeling right now. I just want to go inside and take a shower. I need to wash off everything that happened over the last twenty-four hours.
“You don’t need to come in with me. I’ll text you when I’m done with my shower.”
She nods. “You text me if you need anything. Not only when you’re done with your shower. Okay?”
“Okay,” I say.
Opening the car door, I slip out of Bella’s car carefully since it has some height to it and I’m pretty short.
She waves at me as I slam the passenger car door shut. I hear the sound of her car driving away as I walk up to my front door.
When I unlock the door, I’m immediately overcome with emotion.
Dad’s presence lingers throughout the house.
I can still picture him sitting on the sofa, watching TV. I can hear his laugh bouncing off the concrete walls and the sound of his voice.
That’s the real reason why I haven’t been back here. It’s still hard to come back home and be reminded that he’s not here. He”ll never be here.
It’s been almost an entire decade and I’m still not over it.
I don’t think I”ll ever be over it.
A year and a half after my dad’s passing, I tried to convince Mom we should move. It would’ve been a fresh start for us. But, she didn’t want to leave. She couldn’t leave because leaving would’ve felt like abandoning Dad. Plus, she couldn’t bear the thought of living more than five minutes away from Laura.
It’s not just that, though.
Laura and Ben took care of us and supported us.
On the day that Dad passed away, Laura held my mom for hours on our sofa. For hours. Across them, Ben sat on the ottoman, holding her hand.
Lizzie and I spent countless hours together, laying in my bed and sharing my earbuds. We listened to Pity Party by Melanie Martinez, Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey, and Cigarette Daydreams by Cage the Elephant on repeat. It might have not been the best idea, but I needed some kind of a release.
Bella graciously offered for me to stay with her for a few months until I was ready to go back to my house. It was so hard for me to step foot in there. Way more difficult than it is now.
Her mom, Teresa, is the most generous and kindest human in the entire world. Her older sister, Valerie, is a year younger than Lizzie. She’s one of the coolest human beings I’ve ever met.
I owe the entire Castillo-Ryder family so much for everything they did for me back then.
Noah had no idea what was going on during that time. He was living in his own world. Not giving a shit about anything or anyone for that matter.
I hate that he wasn’t there. Not because I’m here for him now. It would’ve been the courteous thing to do, regardless of how much we hated each other. It just would’ve been nice if he was there.
If he was the one to hold me and not his sister.
If he was the one to hug me, and never let me go.
If he was the one to help with my panic attacks, read to me, hold my hand, and tell me it’s going to get easier.
Unfortunately, that’s all a fantasy inside my head that will never come true.
I shake my head, remembering where I am.
I’m home.
I take in my surroundings and try not to lose it. I’m emotionally vulnerable right now.
I see a small orange fuzzy thing run towards me.
It’s Archie, our three-year-old short-haired ginger tabby.
He’s meowing up a storm and rubbing my legs.
“Hey, little guy. I missed you,” I tell him, picking him up with both of my hands.
He kisses me on the tip of my nose.
“Come on, buddy. We’re going to take a shower. Well, me. Not you. Mom would kill me if I did that. And you would definitely hate me if I did that to you.”
I grab my suitcase, and head to my childhood bedroom.
It’s still the same as it was six months ago and even six years ago.
The walls are painted teal. The comforter on my bed is a mixture of different shades of blue with thick cream-colored blankets hanging on a diagonal towards the edge of my bed.
I gently throw my purse on my bed, turning around to face my bookcase.
My personal library is my favorite part of my entire bedroom because it’s full of books from my adolescence.
Books have always been an escape for me.
I love that I’m able to dive into an alternate universe that isn’t my own. And I’m lucky I get to experience that same feeling with writing. It’s why I want to publish my own books.
I want to make readers feel every single emotion that exists by writing characters they can relate to.
After I examine my library, I go to my closet and grab a tank top and shorts.
Heading into the bathroom, I search for a couple of towels. I’m able to find a towel for my head and a towel wrap for my body—the kind you can wrap around with velcro across the top—in the small linen closet next to the door.
God, I’m so fucking tired.
After I finish combing any tangles out of my hair, it nearly doubles in size into a wavy frizz ball from all the humidity that decided to cling on to it.
I remove my clothes and throw them in the corner behind the door.
It’s time to wash all the pain and worries away.