61. Dani
Fuck me.
Noah’s lips are making my skin quake and my pulse quicken.
“Oh, G-God,” I stammer.
“Do I look like God to you? No, I don’t think so. You need to say my name, Dani.” He pauses, eyes burning holes all throughout my face. “Say. My. Name.”
“Noah,” I moan under my breath.
“That’s my good fucking girl.”
I roll my eyes so hard it feels like they’re going to roll back into my head.
His hand lifts up my dress, grabbing my ass.
This is so wrong on so many levels.
I should stop all this, but my body doesn’t want me to. It wants more and I hate that it does because we’re going to his Dad’s funeral.
What the hell is wrong with me?
My phone rings, taking me out of my thoughts.
He lifts my dress up, exposing my stomach. “Don’t. You. Dare.” He kisses, sucks, and licks my bare skin.
I reach over to my bed, seeing my mom’s beautiful face light up the screen. “H-hi, Mom.”
Grabbing his face with my index finger and thumb, I lift it up just enough so he can meet my gaze.
I move my lips from the phone. “You’re so naughty.”
I bring the phone back over to my mouth.
“Where the hell are you guys? You needed to be here fifteen minutes ago. Ben’s funeral starts in twenty minutes,” she says.
“We’re coming. I p-promise.”
“Okay. Please, hurry up.”
“I know. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I hang up the phone, smacking Noah’s shoulder blade. “You’re really something, you know that? That was my mom. We needed to be there fifteen minutes ago. We need to go. Now.”
Noah gets up as I fix my dress. “Do you know how hot you are when you’re pissed off like this?”
“If you don’t get in the car right now, you”re sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight,” I threaten him.
“I’m going!” He kisses me on the forehead and runs out of my room.
My purse is slung over my shoulder with my phone in the side pocket. I don’t have time to say goodbye to Archie or time to look for him.
Booking it out the front door, I lock the top and bottom locks with my key.
I walk towards the car, Noah is sitting in the driver’s seat. I plop my ass down in the passenger’s seat.
“There’s no goddamn way I’m sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight,” he says.
“That’s my good fucking boy.” A devilish smirk grows across my lips.
He bites down on his bottom lip, wetting them afterward. “Oh, I could get used to that.”
“Okay, let’s go.” I buckle my seatbelt, putting my purse down on the floor in front of me.
He stares off into space, his hands gripping the steering wheel so tight he could break it.
“Hey, baby.” My hand intertwines with his, eyes locking on mine.
I know how hard today is for him. He hasn’t said a word about today in the last two weeks. Not surprising because I know how difficult it is to talk about losing someone who meant the absolute world to you. And now you’re saying goodbye. It’s like they were never here in the first place.
I’ve got to hand it to him. He hides his grief well. Too well. I’m terrified that it’s all going to blow up in his face. His mother and sister’s faces. And mine.
“Do you want me to drive?” I ask.
He’s staring at the garage door. “No, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“You’re the one who told me we need to go. Stop asking me questions that don’t matter,” he snaps.
“Forget I even asked,” I huff.
There’s this knot in my chest getting tighter. It tugs at my heart, attempting to pull it down to my waist.
He’s hurting. Remember how you felt when you lost Dad and had to go to his funeral?
Struggling to hold back tears, I turn my head to look out the window. This is where I’ll be for the next fifteen minutes, pretending like I don’t exist.
“I didn’t mean…”
“Just drive.”
He reaches his hand out to thread it into mine. I pull it away, sandwiching both of my hands underneath my thigh.
I’m here to support Noah.
In all honesty, today is hard for me too. Hard since my mind wants to flash back to my dad’s funeral.
It was at Sunset Cove Memorial Gardens. I told myself I never wanted to go back there. Relive the pain. The hurt. The devastation.
I need to be strong.
For Noah.
For Lizzie.
For Laura.
Noah and I don’t speak a word to each other during the entire drive. The silence feels deafening, cold, and depressing.
We turn into the Memorial Gardens.
It’s the same as I remember from almost a decade ago. Tall oak trees scatter the rather large plot of the land. Cars are packed along the side street.
Ironically it’s called Memorial Gardens, when in reality, it’s a cemetery. Guess they wanted to call it something pretty instead of something depressing as hell.
He pulls behind a car on the side street, shifting the gear to park.
My head finds a home in between my thumbs, rubbing curvy motions along my temples.
I’m trying not to lose my shit. My eyes feel heavy, glassy, and irritated.
“Are you okay?” Noah asks.
Now, I’m staring off in the distance.
Nine years ago I was here, sitting in Mom’s car and bracing myself for what I was about to endure. I was saying goodbye to my dad. A man who didn’t deserve to leave the world in the way he did.
He was in his late forties. He had so many years left to live. He won’t see me graduate college or get married. My children won’t have him as their grandfather.
“Dani?” Noah’s voice takes me out of my own personal hell.
“What?”
“You didn’t answer me.”
“I’m fine.” I rub my finger underneath my nose, moving a tendril of hair behind my ear.
“You’re not fine. Talk to me.”
“This day isn’t about me. It’s about you. It’s about celebrating your dad. If we don’t move our asses, our mothers are going to have our heads.”
How is it people wake up every day and not worry about anything? You know, the people who don’t have a million thoughts running through their heads on repeat. The kind of thoughts that consume you when your eyes are tightly shut and when your eyes are wide open.
I wish I could do that and not worry about every little thing, but that’s not how my brain is wired.
I was young when I lost my dad, barely a teenager.
I had to bear the weight of the world, but also the weight of losing my best friend. Some days, the weight is still so heavy it could crush me. Other days, it lingers like it’s waiting to attack.
My life since I was fourteen years old has been in black and white and not like the movies from the 1940s.
I thought I’d never see my life in color again, but I was wrong.
Noah Kaplan has given me the gift of seeing the world in color. The gift of laughing until I cry happy tears. The gift of making me blush so hard my entire body heats up.
He brought me back to life and I’m so grateful for everything he’s done for me.
Stepping out of the car, I sling my purse over my shoulder.
The car door slams shut. And there goes Noah’s door.
We’re on our way to Ben’s memorial site. I can see Laura and Mom from a distance. Lizzie’s next to Laura in a wheelchair.
He stops, standing in front of me and placing his hands on my shoulders. “We don’t hide shit from each other. I need you to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Please.”
I brace myself, exhaling deep. “I haven’t been here in nine years. Memories keep flooding back. I keep telling myself I need to be strong. For you. And I can’t do it. I can’t do this. I can’t be here. I—” He stops me from my emotional rambling by pulling me into his big, strong arms.
Whenever Noah hugs me, it feels like I’m home and I never want to let him go.
“You had your dad’s funeral here.”
“Yeah.”
He’s gently rubbing my back to calm me down.
How is it that I’m losing my shit and he’s not? How is he so calm? I’d be an emotional wreck if I was him right now.
“Remember when you told me we’d leave if it gets to be too much for me?”
I nod as a silent response.
The tears are steady, pouring out of my eyes like no tomorrow.
His arms release me before his hands thread into mine. “You need to tell me if it ends up being too much for you. When it does, we’re out of here. Okay, Sunshine?”
“Okay.” Wiping the salty wetness off my face, my eyes land on his face that I”ve come to love so damn much. “How are you so calm right now?”
“I don’t think I’m calm. I’m just numb.”
“That’s a valid emotion to feel,” I say.
We speed-walk over to where Laura, Lizzie, and Mom are.
Once we make it uphill, Laura greets us. “What the hell took you guys so long? The service was supposed to start ten minutes ago!”
“Traffic,” he lies through his teeth.
“Your dad would be so disappointed in you.”
“Really? How would you know? He’s not even here!”
“Noah,” Lizzie jumps in, rolling her wheelchair closer to us. “Don’t!”
“Don’t look at me like that, Lizzie. Who are we kidding here? What makes you think Dad wanted an outdoor funeral in the first place? Maybe he wanted his ashes shoved inside a drawer. Maybe he wanted to be buried in the ground, so his body could decay and turn into pure bone. Hey, maybe we could use him as a Halloween decoration next year!” His chest is heaving, breathing heavily.
“What the hell is wrong with you? That’s sick!” Lizzie shouts.
“That’s enough! Noah, go sit your ass down. Now!” Laura shakes her head as the muscles in her jaw vibrate.
Noah rolls his eyes, sitting down on a chair in the front row.
It’s just the five of us.
Laura, Lizzie, Noah, Mom, and I.
No other family members are here. His grandparents would’ve been here if they were still around. The Kaplan’s are a decent-sized family. Noah has Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. I guess I’ll find out if they’re coming to the reception at the house.
Sitting down next to Noah, I can feel the anger coursing through his body.
The second I hold his hand, his anger cools down. “Take a deep breath.”
He does what I tell him, closing his eyes. His mouth is shaped as a small circle and his shoulders are rising and falling.
I look at him. “You know that was totally uncalled for, right?”
“I know…It’s just I don’t get why Mom keeps saying Dad would’ve wanted this. He wouldn’t have wanted any of this. I’ve never heard him tell us he’d want an outdoor funeral when he passes away. I hate that she keeps making shit up.”
Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I turn around to see my mom. “I know how hard it is for you to be here, Sweet Girl. It’s hard for me too, even if it’s been several years. There’s no alternate universe we could live in where I wouldn’t have been here for Laura.”
“I know,” I say as I look away from Mom and Noah to stop myself from crying.
Noah turns around to get in on our conversation. “Thank you for everything you do for my mom. For staying with her at the house and helping her with Lizzie. I know it means the world to her. It means a lot to me.”
She leans closer into him, cupping his cheeks with her hands. “Oh, Sweet Boy, you never have to thank me for anything. I’d do anything for your mom. I don’t know if I would be here right now if it wasn’t for her and my beautiful daughter.” Mom takes a deep breath. “Dani’s right about that outburst you had. That was the last thing your mom and sister needed right now. They’re hurting and I know you are too. But, there’s absolutely no reason to project more pain onto them.”
He looks down at the floor, taking in what my mom just said to him. He meets her gaze. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”
“Let us begin,” the rabbi says standing next to the shiny, wooden coffin.
Roses scatter the top of it. A plaque with Ben’s name is plastered in the center of the top of the coffin.
God, I hope we both make it through this.
The funeral service lasts approximately forty-five minutes.
Laura and Lizzie give their eulogies. Noah doesn’t. I knew he wasn’t going to. He told me last night he couldn’t do it. His mom understood his reasoning behind why he couldn’t.
I spent the entire funeral service with my arm tucked into his and my head leaned into the nape of his neck.
Time to go back to the house and talk to people I don’t even know. People who will ask me what I’m up to and other bullshit that’s none of their business. I just need to plaster a fake smile and deal with it.
Maybe I should bring that giant black flashlight with me just in case.
Never know if I might need it.