Chapter 24
Mattie glared at her reflection in the washroom’s mirror.
Staring back at her was the face of a woman who’d unaccountably run away to avoid answering a simple question.
Her stomach roiled, tied up in knots as it tried to cope with a maelstrom of emotion.
She’d panicked again, just like she had at the bookstore.
In front of the three of them, for fuck’s sake.
At least they were giving her space. But even if Shona managed to restrain herself from saying anything at the restaurant, it would only be a matter of time before she brought up the subjects of anxiety and therapy.
Lisa would back her up. What would Nell say if she was there? She’d probably agree.
Mattie lathered soap into her hands and then flicked the tap on.
Life would be so much more palatable if you could wash away stuff like confusing feelings and jumbled emotions.
She sighed. All roads led to that damn shirt of Nell’s.
She’d planned to bring it and hand it over to her, rather than have Nell feel obliged to come back to the apartment with her.
No ulterior motive, and a way of giving Nell the option to choose what she wanted to do.
Mattie moved over to the dryer and rubbed her hands under the stream of hot air. She could still give Nell a choice, if she hadn’t scared her off completely. By the time she returned to the table, Shona had settled the bill and was assuring Nell that it was her treat.
“That’s very kind,” said Nell.
Shona raised her eyebrows at Mattie. “You and I will catch up tomorrow.”
Just as Mattie suspected: a long phone call about counselling was in her near future.
They said their farewells outside the restaurant, because Shona and Lisa were heading for the Tube, while Nell had taken up Mattie’s offer to walk south of the river together.
“Shona and Lisa are quite the couple,” said Nell, once they were out of earshot. “You’re lucky to have friends like them.”
“I am.” Mattie wished she had the nerve to hold Nell’s hand, but they hadn’t touched since the bookstore, and she had no idea how things stood between them, so she shoved her hands into her coat pockets. “I genuinely forgot to bring your shirt.”
“I believe you,” said Nell.
Did she? Or was she saying that to be polite?
And why was it so damn important that Nell did believe her?
Because it’s about trust. They were back to that again.
“The route to your hotel goes very close to my apartment. You can come back to mine to pick up the shirt, or I can deliver it to your hotel in the morning. It’s your call.
” She glanced over at Nell, wanting to read her reaction, but her face was shuttered, and her lips set.
Lips that Mattie hadn’t kissed this evening, though she very much wanted to.
“Let’s walk. I can decide when we get there,” said Nell.
“Sounds good.” Mattie forced an upbeat tone in her reply. Her mind and mood were so topsy-turvy that she wasn’t sure which choice she’d prefer Nell to opt for.
They crossed the Strand and walked down to the banks of the Thames, where they took the steps up to the bridge to cross the river. Mattie slowed her pace so they could take in the unique vista.
“I feel like a country bumpkin whenever I’m in London.” Nell stopped to lean on the bridge’s metal railings. “I guess you’re probably blasé about this view if you see it every day.”
“Sometimes.” Mattie leaned next to her. “But then I get to see it again through fresh eyes when I have people visit, and I fall in love with it all again.” The skyline could be that of many cities, with high-rise office blocks and apartments, but one building made it quintessentially London: the dome of St Paul’s Cathedral.
Its pale stone facade was bathed in a halo of golden light, and its reflection shimmered on the dark waters of the river.
Nell took a photo on her phone. “I forget how busy city life is at night. Was it Samuel Johnson who said that when you’re tired of London, you’re tired of life?”
“It was, yes.” She peered at the swirling river beneath them, the murky brown sludge shrouded by the black cloak of night.
“Fall in there, and you’re pretty much done for.
Between the sewage, eddies, undertows, and the tide running at around five miles an hour, even the strongest swimmers don’t stand much of a chance. ”
Nell’s eyes widened. “I’ll do my best not to fall in then.”
Mattie laughed awkwardly. “After twenty odd years in my job, I’m now a treasure trove of facts. I can talk on most subjects for thirty seconds. It’s my default when I’m nervous.”
“Not just me, then.” Nell moved closer to Mattie so their arms touched.
“I’m getting a distinct feeling of déjà vu.
We’ve done this before, leaning on railings and looking down at water.
You went to kiss me, and I lost my nerve.
” Nell brushed her fingertips over Mattie’s knuckles. “Is that what’s happening to you?”
Mattie swallowed. “It’s complicated.”
Nell’s gaze drifted to the high-rise blocks on the south side of the river. “Is one of those apartments yours?”
“Yes.”
Nell tucked her hand into the crook of Mattie’s elbow. “Show me.”
Mattie’s spirits rose at the contact. There it was again. Nell’s kindness. Her patience. All of that, despite Mattie blowing hot and cold all evening. She didn’t deserve it.
They lapsed into silence as they walked the ten-minute journey. Once in the apartment, Mattie flicked on the lights. “I’ll give you the grand tour. Blink and you’ll miss it.”
Nell laughed. “It can’t be any smaller than our cottage in Devon.”
Our cottage. Those two words gave Mattie an unexpected thrill. She pushed open the first door along the short hallway into the room she used as an office, laundry, and guest bedroom. Opposite it was the main bedroom. Clothes littered the bed and hung haphazardly over the dresser.
Nell quirked her eyebrows. “Either you couldn’t decide what to wear or your laundry crisis has reached epic proportions.”
“Both. Which reminds me...” She opened a wardrobe and took out Nell’s shirt. “One kidnapped shirt, returned to its rightful owner.”
Nell tugged the shirt from Mattie’s grasp and clutched it to her chest like a long-lost friend. “I thought I’d never see you again.”
Mattie laughed, grateful that Nell’s playfulness had lightened the tension. “Would you like a tea?”
“Please.”
Mattie filled the kettle and then led Nell into the living room.
She smiled as Nell made a beeline for the full-length balcony windows.
“This room and its view were the main reasons I bought this place. During the day, you can see the outdoor art installations associated with the Hayward Gallery. They’re interesting, if you’re into that sort of thing. ”
“Not particularly, I have to admit.” Nell pointed at the illuminated Royal Festival Hall alongside it. “I took my mother to a concert there in February as an eightieth birthday treat. It was an evening of polite conversation followed by Bach’s seemingly never-ending violin concerto in A minor.”
“Thankfully, I’ve never had that pleasure.
” Mattie sorted the tea and returned from the kitchen with a tray laden with a large teapot, mugs, and milk.
She placed it on a low glass table. “Property prices have gone up so much in the past fifteen years, especially in the capital. I’d never be able to afford to buy this place now.
Innocent twenty-eight-year-old me was starstruck when I first viewed it.
Now it’s simply where I live, which sounds kind of sad when I say it like that. ”
“You’ve got a box office seat for the New Year fireworks display.”
Mattie focused on pouring tea. “I’m usually working, so I don’t get to see it.”
“Not so attractive to watch since Kenya, I’m guessing.”
“Got it in one.” Mattie held up the bottle of milk. “Skimmed all right?”
After making the drinks, Mattie sat on the sofa. Nell sat next to her, closer than you’d do with a platonic friend, but there was still a gap between them. Mattie stared out of the huge window. “There’s too much light pollution in London to properly see the stars. But we can see the moon.”
“I can see the elephant in the room that you’re doing your best to ignore.” Nell’s voice was soft and lacked censure.
Mattie sighed. “I know.”
Nell reached over and squeezed her fingers briefly. “What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”
“It’s all over the place. It could give a ping-pong ball a run for its money right now.” Mattie rubbed at her neck. “I hate feeling like this.”
“Like what?”
“Emotional.” Mattie’s voice caught in her throat.
“Why don’t you work backwards,” said Nell. “Start with the book launch.”
“Honestly, I feel raw. I’m being laid bare for all to see again.
Tonight was a hideous version of Groundhog Day.
” She winced at a flashback of Jon’s speech, all those people toasting the worst day of her life.
“I hate that I can’t change any of it.” She swivelled around, almost knocking the mug from Nell’s hands.
“Jon actually watched the footage. Can you believe that?”
“You haven’t seen it?” Nell moved her mug out of reach of Mattie’s flailing arms.
She drew in a sharp inhale of breath. Maybe Nell didn’t understand her after all. “Why the fuck would I? I lived through it. I don’t need to watch it. It’s my life we’re talking about, not a fucking TV show.” When Nell held her hands up as if to ward off an attack, she dialled it back. “Sorry.”
Nell nodded. “It’s okay.”
Mattie willed herself to choose her words carefully. She had to get this right. “And then, in the middle of all of that, you appeared. At exactly the right time. And you were everything I needed.”
“I’m so glad I was there for you.”