Chapter 24 #2
Nell’s voice was tender but Mattie heard a guarded tone in it too. “Everything I needed then. Everything I need now.” Mattie turned to face her and held her gaze. “Want, now. Really, really want. And that scares me.”
“Same here.”
“Which part?”
“All of it,” Nell whispered.
Mattie gave a self-deprecating laugh and grabbed her mug from the tray, needing to feel something solid under her fingers.
“Why is it that I keep breaking the hook-up rules with you? Our one-night stand turned into a holiday fling. The holiday fling is intent on morphing into... I don’t know. What even is this?”
Nell stood abruptly and went to stare out of the full-length windows. She seemed to be having an internal battle, because she was quiet for an age.
“That last night in Devon, before events conspired against us,” she said eventually, “I’d decided to bail on you.”
Mattie sat up straight. “What? Why?”
“I promised myself I’d do that to protect myself if I got emotionally involved with you.”
“Oh.” Mattie’s hushed sound of realisation filled the space between them.
“When I fall, I tend to fall hard. But I struggle to trust. It’s not an ideal combination.
” She glanced at Mattie and smiled wryly.
“You sneaked, no, you bulldozed your way past my defences. So much of what we did together and the decisions I made about being with you were way out of character for me.”
Mattie joined her at the window. From here, people looked like scurrying giant ants.
A black cab wormed its way along the street.
Everyday things, yet this conversation was anything but.
She could scarcely believe that the sincerity and affection in Nell’s voice was for her.
She pointed at the glass, where two startled women with bemused expressions and mouths slightly open reflected back at them.
“We’re a right pair.” She giggled, despite, or perhaps because of, the tension that their shared revelations had created. “What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
Mattie stared as the night sky as a cloud thinned out, and a sliver of moon appeared. “This is new territory for me.”
“Same.” Nell’s smile was laced with wariness. “The last relationship I had... Well, you know how that ended.”
Mattie sought Nell’s hand. Her fingers were cool to the touch, and Mattie resolved to hold them until they’d warmed up. “I’m not him.”
“I know that.” Nell squeezed her hand back in response but pulled it away from Mattie’s clasp.
“You also know that I’ve been upfront about always putting my career before relationships. I avoid feelings.” She paused for a beat. “Usually.” She looked at Nell’s face in the glass. “I’m aware of my limitations and my many faults. I’m a crap girlfriend.”
“How hard have you really tried?” Nell asked.
“Probably not very hard. Or I simply haven’t cared enough to try.” A flush of embarrassment accompanied Mattie’s answer.
“That’s honest, if nothing else,” Nell said. “Have you been involved with anyone since us?”
“No,” she said quickly, eager for Nell to trust her sincerity. “The only woman vaguely on the scene is Zabu, but I haven’t seen her since before Kenya. She’s a doctor with a medical emergency response charity. We met at a refugee camp in Syria.”
Nell stiffened. “A friend with benefits?”
“Yes.”
“There’s a part of me that’s so desperate to have you in my life that I’ll take anything you’re willing to offer,” said Nell. “But the self-respecting part wants all or nothing. I wouldn’t be prepared to share you.”
If Mattie said no, then Nell would walk away, and she’d have to face the prospect of never seeing her again.
Could she truly commit to trying a real relationship?
“How would it work? Our careers come first. We live at different ends of the country. At best, we’d only be able to snatch a few paltry nights together each month.
And we’re both rusty when it comes to building a relationship. ”
Nell drummed her fingertips on the glass, as though trying to ground herself. “It’s a recipe for disaster.”
“You’re probably right.” Mattie closed her eyes in a futile bid to stave off the disappointment that suddenly twisted her gut. I want her. She wants me. She gets me. There was no hiding from it. She dragged in a breath. “But it could turn out to be a banquet.”
Nell’s drumming fingers stilled. “Would you like to find out?”
Mattie’s heart thumped wildly as she registered the hope and vulnerability in Nell’s face. “Yes.”
“So would I.” Nell’s lips curved tentatively. “You’re sure?”
“I’m sure.” Mattie giggled as they grinned at each other in disbelief. “I’m discombobulated all over again.”
“You do like that word, don’t you?”
“Almost as much as I like you.” She bit her lip as the enormity of what they’d just agreed to washed over her. “God, this is weird. I feel like I’m sixteen all over again, and I have no idea what to do with a girl.”
“I can’t imagine you needing an instruction manual.” Nell’s gaze fixated onto Mattie’s lips. “Seal it with a kiss?”
“Good idea.” Mattie wrapped one arm around Nell’s waist. With her free hand, she cupped Nell’s soft cheek and stroked it with her thumb.
Then she leaned in and kissed her. God, she’d missed this.
Missed Nell. Kissing her again was like coming home.
Nell hummed, and she groaned in response.
She nuzzled the crook of Nell’s neck, where a faint scent of her perfume still lingered.
Nell arched her neck to allow Mattie better access. “Do we need to talk this through some more?”
“Enough talking. More of this now.” She unbuttoned Nell’s shirt and slowly pulled it open.
She skated her fingers over Nell’s lace bra and slipped one cup down to touch her breast. Then she did the same to the other and rubbed her palms over Nell’s nipples.
“Come to bed with me.” It sounded so suave until they reached the bedroom, and she saw the piles of clothes littering the bed. “You know I have no style, right?”
Nell laughed as they made a game of tossing the clothes onto the floor and then tumbled onto the bed together. Mattie pulled Nell’s top and bra off and tossed them onto the floor too.
“Isn’t this how my first shirt went walkabout?” asked Nell.
“I like stripping you and flinging your clothes around my bedroom.” Mattie rolled Nell over and straddled her thighs. Slowly, she ran her fingertips over Nell’s breasts. “In case you’ve forgotten, you are the most glorious woman.”
“Would you mind flinging your clothes across the room too?” Nell ran her hands over the thin material of Mattie’s shirt. “Leave this psychedelic number on, but I want your bra off.”
“So bossy.” Mattie made a play of following Nell’s order, sliding her hands up her back to unfasten her bra and pull the straps through her sleeves. God, she loved how Nell was turning her hang-up about her scars into something loaded with sensual tension.
Nell’s eyes darkened. “Undo all the buttons apart from the last one.”
Slowly, Mattie undid the top one. Heat spread between her thighs when she saw Nell’s hungry gaze fixed onto her fingers. Another button. And another one. Nell squirmed underneath her as she undid one more, and then pulled aside the shirt to show off her breasts.
“Beautiful,” Nell whispered, her breath ragged as she reached up to stroke them.
Goosebumps flashed across Mattie’s skin.
She threw her head back and gave herself over to Nell.
When had she ever felt this connected to a lover?
For the first time, she let her body speak its own language, full of tender kisses and slow sensual caresses that said, this is what I feel for you and let me make you happy.
Nell seemed to be caught in a similar spell as their limbs tangled, and she took her time to touch and lick her all over.
Afterwards, Mattie rested her head on Nell’s shoulder and looped her arm around Nell’s waist. A deep contentment filled her.
“I have to get back to my hotel,” Nell said.
“Sure I can’t tempt you to stay?”
Nell kissed her on the tip of her nose. “You’re all temptation.”
Mattie pulled Nell in close. It might be the middle of the night, but it felt like a new dawn. The question was, could she handle it? Or would she revert to type and sabotage the best thing that had happened to her since forever?
Only time would tell.