Afterglow

Chapter 28

Alice

In her search for Freddie, Alice ran into Harper in the living room.

‘Have you seen Noah?’ Harper asked.

‘Have you seen Freddie?’ Alice deflected.

‘He was here a moment ago,’ Harper said, glancing around. ‘He and Sierra disappeared somewhere.’

Alice collapsed onto the couch. ‘Noah’s downstairs. He and Briar are having a heart-to-heart.’

Harper nodded, sitting next to her. ‘Yeah, they do that.’ Neither of them said anything for a moment. ‘Are you going to tell me what this heart-to-heart is about?’ Harper asked finally.

Alice looked sideways at her. ‘Why do I feel like you already know?’

The corner of Harper’s mouth quirked. ‘Maybe because you and Briar are terrible actors? I mean the amount of blushing alone… It’s sickening. Honeymoon phase type stuff.’

‘Can you have a honeymoon phase if you’re friends with benefits?’ Alice asked, genuinely curious.

Harper scoffed. ‘You’re not friends. Briar and I are friends, and I don’t look at her the way you do.’

‘How do I look at her?’ Alice asked. It was relieving, to finally be able to talk about it with someone. With Harper of all people, who suddenly seemed to have the information Alice desperately needed.

Harper considered the question for a moment. ‘Like she’s going to make everything better again.’

Alice blew out a breath. ‘Like I forgot what life was meant to feel like until she was in front of me.’

‘So why hide it?’ Harper asked.

She fidgeted in her seat. ‘Briar wanted to keep it a secret.’

Harper nodded, as though she’d expected that answer. ‘Because of Noah?’

‘We kissed once, back in high school,’ Alice admitted. ‘Right before I left for school. Noah and I hadn’t officially broken up yet. I never told him, and neither did Briar.’

‘You were at camp?’ Harper asked.

‘Yeah.’

‘And you hadn’t talked to Noah in weeks?’

‘A month.’

‘And you guys had agreed you were breaking up before you left, anyway?’

Alice studied her. ‘Why are you trying to let me off the hook for cheating on your fiancé?’

‘I’m not,’ Harper said. ‘Of course it was wrong. But it was also ten years ago, and Noah is happy. So who’s the victim here? Who’s the person who let this kiss ruin their life?’

‘Me?’ Alice tried.

Harper smiled. ‘I knew you were smart. Just not as smart as me.’

‘Thanks,’ Alice said. ‘You’re a pretty good friend, you know that?’

‘I do.’ And then Harper did something Alice absolutely had not seen coming: she hugged her. Alice tried to relax into the alien sensation of being comforted by Harper.

‘Hiya,’ Freddie said, appearing over Harper’s shoulder with Sierra. ‘Could we have a chat?’

‘Yes,’ Alice said, standing. She paused, turning back to Harper. ‘Noah knows that your parents aren’t paying for the venue. He wants you to talk to him about it.’

Harper’s mouth formed a perfect ‘O’ before Alice followed Freddie and Sierra.

‘I’d love some answers,’ Freddie said drily. ‘If you’ll oblige.’

‘Let’s talk in the garden,’ Alice said, heading toward the back door.

This was her favorite change to the house – the weedy mess had been transformed by Alice’s green thumb, and she’d strung up lights around the patio and bought outdoor furniture off Facebook Marketplace.

Her talents were truly wasted on the measly five plants in her flat, which were now all dead.

‘So,’ Freddie said, turning to face her once they were out in the night air, ‘why am I the last person to know about you and Briar?’

‘You’re not,’ Alice said, confused. ‘No one knew.’

‘I knew,’ Sierra said.

‘You did?’ Alice asked. ‘Well, I guess that makes sense.’

‘Sierra and I have just had a talk about keeping secrets from friends,’ Freddie said. ‘It’s not nice to do, if you were wondering.’

‘Well, telling you was complicated,’ Sierra said, ‘because of the whole Briar selling the camp thing.’

‘What?’ Freddie said, looking between them. ‘Briar is selling the camp?’

Alice wished the earth would swallow her whole. ‘I don’t know if she’s going to go through with it.’ She grabbed his hand. ‘Listen, no matter what, I’m going to find a way for you to stay. I didn’t want to tell you about the possibility of the camp being sold and stress you out more.’

‘What do you mean?’ Sierra asked. ‘Freddie’s visa is being sponsored by his job starting in the fall.’

Freddie looked at the ground. ‘So… there’s something I haven’t told you…’

‘Oh my god!’ Sierra exclaimed. ‘No more secrets, do you both hear me?’ She pointed an accusatory finger at each of them in turn. ‘Let’s just all be honest with each other.’

Alice laid a gentle hand on her arm, and her expression softened. ‘The purple tips are a little 2014 Tumblr.’

Sierra cracked a smile, and Freddie laughed. ‘What a mad summer,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘What would Susan think if she was looking down on us now?’

‘She would hate the drama,’ Alice said thoughtfully. ‘But she would be proud of us for pulling it off, despite everything. And she’d be happy that the party went on without her.’

‘Aye,’ Cook said, stepping out from behind the shed and startling the three of them.

‘Christ!’ Freddie exclaimed. ‘Have you been there the whole time?’

Cook dropped the still-smoking roach from his hand and squished it with his shoe. ‘You lot are an entertaining bunch. Almost as good as the raccoons.’ He smiled and then disappeared into the house.

‘So, when the kids always insist that there’s a camp ghost…’ Sierra said, and the three of them doubled over laughing.

Alice stayed in the garden, chatting with the partygoers who came out of the packed house to smoke or cool off. Slowly, the guests trickled home as the hour grew late. When Briar finally came out, Alice guessed it was well past midnight.

‘Hey,’ Alice said, uncertain how Briar would be feeling after all the emotions of the party.

‘Hi,’ Briar said, gazing around the garden in wonder. ‘This place looks amazing.’

‘Thanks,’ Alice said, taking Briar’s hand and pulling her to lay in the center of the grass with her. She wanted to look at the stars together one more time before she left. ‘Who’s still around?’

‘No one,’ Briar said, propping up on her elbow to look at Alice. ‘Noah and Harper just finished cleaning up and are headed back to camp.’

The crickets chirped, and the birds would be up before long. Alice knew there was no way she would fall asleep tonight, and Briar seemed to feel similarly.

Briar pressed a kiss to Alice’s hairline. ‘Noah didn’t care.’

‘Neither did Harper, if that was a concern. Or Freddie. Or Sierra – but she already knew. Or Cook.’

There was a long moment of silence, and then Briar said quietly, ‘I think Noah’s just glad you were here to keep me from falling apart this summer.’

‘You could’ve done it without me.’

Briar nodded slightly, settling against Alice’s side as the two of them gazed at the stars. ‘I’m glad I didn’t have to.’

‘Why…’ Alice struggled to get the question out, not sure she wanted to hear the answer. ‘Why did you want to keep things between us a secret?’

‘I was embarrassed,’ Briar said, after a minute. ‘Of what happened in high school. About how I fell apart afterward. Of how’ – Alice felt her swallow – ‘I needed you.’

‘That sounds like something Susan taught you,’ Alice said. ‘Unseemly, to need someone.’

Briar lifted her head. ‘I guess I thought that if people knew about us, they’d be watching me when you left, trying to make sure I was okay. And I couldn’t stand that, not on top of everything else.’

‘It’s okay for people to see you struggling. I mean, not that I would be the cause for any sort of… you know.’ Alice felt heat creep up her neck.

‘You do cause a lot of problems for me,’ Briar said, and Alice couldn’t tell if she was joking.

‘I think I’ve felt more things this summer than I have in a long time.

And I don’t have the strength anymore to pretend I don’t care.

Because I do, I care a lot. I…’ She sat up quickly, facing away from Alice.

She wanted to reach out and lay a hand on Briar’s shoulder, but something held her back.

‘Why did you leave?’ It was so quiet, Alice almost didn’t hear her. She desperately wished she could see Briar’s face, to get a sense of what she was thinking. ‘I just want to know before you go again.’

‘I was going to come back,’ Alice said after a moment.

‘What?’

She sat up too, and Briar turned to her. ‘When I left for Noah’s that morning, I thought I’d come right back and tell you that I loved you.’

She’d had every intention of returning, but in the car, reconsidering every moment of their friendship, trying to pinpoint exactly when she’d crossed the line, it had become impossible.

After realizing her feelings, she couldn’t face Briar again.

She had rationalized it as being about cheating, but really, she hadn’t been able to bear the thought of going back to being friends.

Briar’s face contorted at the words.

‘You loved me,’ she repeated flatly. Alice tried to decipher what emotion lit Briar’s eyes, but she couldn’t. Briar had never felt more foreign to her than at this moment. ‘If you loved me, you shouldn’t have left.’

Alice shook her head. ‘I didn’t think it through.’

Briar’s hands covered her face, and she made a noise that sounded alarmingly like a sob. Her whole body shook. Alice didn’t know what to do. She’d never professed her love for anyone before, but was fairly certain this wasn’t the optimal reaction.

‘What if I stayed now?’ The words came out without Alice thinking about them at all, but they sounded right.

It was what she wanted. Everything in Alice had been waiting for the moment she could finally fix her misstep.

The moment she could be someone Briar could rely on.

Now was that moment. ‘What if I didn’t get on the plane? ’

The shaking stopped. For a moment, Alice wasn’t sure if Briar was even breathing. But then she lifted her head. ‘Why would you do that?’

‘Because I love you?’ Alice hated how it came out like a question.

Briar scoffed. ‘You don’t.’

Blood rushed in her ears. ‘Of course I love you. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I loved you even after I left.’

Briar stared at her, quiet fury etched in her features. ‘Is that supposed to make me feel better?’

‘I’m just trying to be honest with you,’ Alice said, failing to find an explanation for Briar’s behavior that wouldn’t end in her own heartbreak.

‘Why are you being honest now?’

‘Because I want to stay. Because I love you.’ It was the third time she had told Briar she loved her, and it seemed to make less of an impression each time. ‘Don’t you love me?’

Briar squeezed her eyes shut. ‘Have you thought this through?’ she asked, in a pained voice. ‘How this would actually, logically work?’

‘It would work,’ Alice said, trying for confidence. She didn’t understand how she’d gone from comforting to pleading in such a short time. ‘It would work because I would make it work.’

‘You would make it work,’ Briar said disbelievingly. She stood, pacing, as Alice watched helplessly. ‘What would you do? Where would you live?’

Alice’s eyes pricked, her throat feeling dry.

‘Details,’ she said weakly. She knew that Briar was being the rational one.

But she was trying to fix her mistake, and Briar was getting bogged down with the logistics.

For once, Alice was throwing caution to the wind, and Briar seemed mad at her for it.

‘Really?’ Briar asked, her mouth curving into a twisted version of her usual smile. ‘I shouldn’t be the one telling you that you would have to figure out a hell of a lot of details to move to another continent and drop the degree you’ve been working on for six years.’

‘I’ll figure it out,’ Alice snapped.

‘But nothing’s changed. You left me before, and I don’t care if you had every intention of coming back. You didn’t.’

‘It’s not the same now. Because I lo—’

‘Don’t,’ Briar’s voice was dangerously low, ‘say it again.’

‘But I do,’ Alice insisted.

‘You might think that,’ Briar said. ‘But if you stayed for me, you’d end up resenting me. Believe me, I know what that feels like.’

‘I wouldn’t,’ Alice said, desperately reaching for any argument that would make Briar believe her. Something that would make Briar see that Alice was serious about staying, about being with her.

For the first time, she saw the full scope of the damage she’d done to their friendship, the trust she’d betrayed and lost.

‘You can’t fix this,’ Briar said, with a finality that pushed every thought from Alice’s mind, ‘so stop trying. You’re leaving in what? Three hours?’

Alice glanced at her phone, confirming the time. ‘Yeah,’ she croaked, exhaustion suddenly overtaking her. Briar reached a hand down to her. Alice looked at it warily before accepting the help. They stood like that for a moment, staring at each other, hands forgotten between them.

‘It was only ever going to last the summer anyway, right?’ Briar said. ‘Let’s not ruin it.’

Alice was certain that, despite Briar’s words, something had already been ruined.