Chapter 29
Briar
That morning, after Briar said goodbye to Alice, she’d started packing.
It was like she was possessed, as though now that Alice was gone the real world had come rushing back in.
If she kept moving, it wouldn’t catch her.
If she kept moving, she couldn’t think about Alice, about the things she’d said or whether she’d meant any of it.
Instead, she packed.
The only thing left was her mother’s desk. She picked up the papier-maché bowl she’d made in elementary school, wrapping it carefully in newspaper. She did the same with framed family photos, the twins smiling toothlessly at her as she packed them away.
She tested every pen, throwing away the ones that didn’t work and bundling the ones that did with a rubber band.
She found a stack of leather-bound notebooks that her mom would’ve kept her summer notes in and put them in the box.
She packed away all the office supplies she could find and texted Noah to see if his school would take them.
Finally, she reached the bottom drawer of her mother’s desk, the one with her laptop. When she logged in, it automatically opened to the email thread between Susan and Alice. After avoiding it all summer, the need to know finally overcame Briar’s fears.
She scrolled to the beginning of their correspondence. Alice had written to Susan in September of freshman year.
To: susan.elwood@
From: ahughes@
Subject: checking in
Date: September 17, 2017
Hi Susan,
I hope you’re doing well! I finally feel settled into my dorm and courses.
I’m in Melville Hall, just like you were.
My roommate seems nice enough, but I don’t see her much as I’m in the library most of the time.
I’m taking A Natural History with Prof. Davies and I’m loving it so far. Thank you for the recommendation.
How’s Briar? I saw the pictures from drop-off day. It was great the whole family was there to see her off.
All my love,
Alice
To: ahughes@
From: susan.elwood@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: September 20, 2017
My dear Alice,
I’m happy to hear you’re liking St Andrews. Melville is just the place for you, but make sure you don’t spend too much time in the library – get out and have fun! I know you already have Briar, but that doesn’t mean there’s not room for more friends in your life.
Dropping B off was harder than I thought. River didn’t know what to do with me on the drive home; I was a blubbering mess. Don’t tell B, she’d feel guilty about making her old mom cry.
She’s joined the crew team! Can you believe it? Our girl is participating in a team sport. She’s a coxswain. I think it’ll be good for her to be in charge of eight men; she needs someone to boss around now that she’s away from her siblings.
All my love,
Susan
To: susan.elwood@
From: ahughes@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: March 5, 2018
Dear Susan,
Thanks for sending the photos from your spring break! It looked lovely.
Maybe Briar told you already, but I figured you should hear it from me. I’m dating a woman. Her name is Tess. You remember the friend I mentioned going to a Halloween party with? That’s her!
We’ve been dating for a few months now, so I thought I’d tell my parents.
Their responses kind of surprised me. They weren’t angry, or upset that I’m a lesbian, but they didn’t seem to understand why I wanted them to know.
It wasn’t what I had expected, but it wasn’t bad.
It’s funny to me that after all these years of being divorced, sometimes they still react the exact same way when I tell them news.
Anyway, I was thinking about when Briar came out to you junior year. She was never worried for a moment that you wouldn’t accept and celebrate her exactly how she was.
How is Briar, by the way? Is she dating anyone?
All my love,
A
To: ahughes@
From: susan.elwood@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: March 25, 2018
Dear Alice,
I’m so glad you shared that with me. When you mentioned Tess in the fall, I wondered if there was something there. You speak very highly of her, and I’m sure when your parents get the chance to meet her, they will see why it was important for you to tell them. I would love to meet her myself!
I know you’re deciding about coming home this summer, and I wanted to make it clear (if it wasn’t already!) that you are always welcome to stay here.
Briar and her siblings will be home for the summer.
Of course, if you come all the way to the US, I’ll also expect to see you at camp for at least one weekend! Deal?
Briar has been dating someone – I’m surprised she hasn’t told you about Riley. She’s come over for dinner a few times now. She always offers to help out in the kitchen, and she’s quite the cook!
Anyway, just let me know about the summer once your plans are figured out. We’d love to have you.
Love,
Susan
To: susan.elwood@
From: ahughes@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: April 15, 2018
Dear Susan,
I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner. I figured Briar had already told you.
I did something that I don’t think she’ll be able to forgive me for, and I made the decision to give her space. It hasn’t been easy, and I won’t lie and tell you that I don’t miss her every single day, but I think this is the right thing to do. So, I won’t be able to stay with you this summer.
I’m glad Briar has Riley, Noah and Harper. They look like they’re having a great time in college, and I feel like I can live vicariously through the photos I see on social media :) Maybe one day things will be different and I’ll come home again.
All my love,
Alice
To: ahughes@
From: susan.elwood@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: May 20, 2019
Alice,
Thanks for sending your newest research! It always makes me so happy to read anything you’ve written. You have such a gift for words.
It’s gratifying to know that I’ve inspired a lifelong love of nature. I hope you’ll consider again my offer to come stay in the bungalow or at camp this summer.
I’m sure you and Briar can mend things, if that’s still holding you back.
I hope to see you soon, my dear.
Love,
Susan
To: susan.elwood@
From: ahughes@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: July 31, 2020
Dear Susan,
I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I have so many things to say – can I call sometime soon?
Maybe I can find a way to take a few days off from my research this summer to come see you. Would that be okay with you? I don’t want to impose, and I know that your doctors might want to limit your exposure depending on your treatment plan… Anyway, let’s discuss.
In the meantime, I’m sending you, Briar, RJ, Hazel and Laurel all of my love from across the ocean. If there’s anything I can do to help, please just let me know.
Talk soon,
Alice
To: ahughes@
From: susan.elwood@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: May 20, 2021
My dear Alice,
Warmest congratulations on your graduation! I so wish I could have been there. This is one of those moments when the C-word becomes not just an inconvenience but damned annoying. I would give anything for the freedom to get on a plane and give you a hug and tell you I’m so, so proud of you.
I hope your parents behaved themselves for the weekend – I’m sure they played nice for such an important event.
I’ve sent a package which should arrive in a few days. In the meantime, let me know what you’ve decided for the summer!
Love,
Susan
To: susan.elwood@
From: ahughes@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: March 5, 2022
Susan,
I’m so glad to hear you’re officially in remission! I have some news of my own, though it pales in comparison: I’ve been accepted to do a DPhil at Oxford!
I know I said I’d maybe be back in the States for the summer, but Professor Beechem has given me a research opportunity which is too prestigious to pass up. I hope to see you soon. I miss you all the time.
Briar’s got a new man in her life? Please tell me more. Hope her apartment hunt is going well!
Alice
To: ahughes@
From: susan.elwood@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: September 21, 2022
Dear Alice,
Sorry for the radio silence over the summer – camp seems to get more hectic every year. Or maybe I’m just getting older.
I meant to wish you a wonderful start to your first trimester before it began, but alas, no better time than the present! Jer is a friend from college and I take comfort in knowing you’ll have him looking out for you.
Love,
Susan
To: susan.elwood@
From: ahughes@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: August 28, 2023
S,
I know it’s been a while, but I hope you’re doing well. Another successful summer in the books?
Honestly, I’ve hardly been keeping in touch with anyone recently. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I write texts and emails and delete them, thinking no one could want to hear from me anyway. I know you will tell me this is all silly, and you’re probably right.
I moved to London last month. Tess convinced me it would make it easier to have a social life, to get out and date more (her goal for me, not mine, ha), but I think it’s just made me even more aware that I have exactly one friend.
Sorry to be throwing a pity party, I know you can’t stand that! But I needed to write to you, and this is how I’m feeling right now.
Did Briar make a decision about going back to college? I hope she doesn’t let her worries about her friends graduating already get in her way. I know she’ll be a brilliant teacher.
Love,
Alice
To: ahughes@
From: susan.elwood@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: January 24, 2025
Dear Alice,
Thanks for your New Year greetings, and sorry for once again being an inconsistent pen pal.
To be honest, I’ve been missing you terribly recently.
Over the past month, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the best times of my life.
You know that I loved college, but I think those summers where you, Briar and her siblings were all at camp will always top that.
Nothing has given me more joy in my life than being able to bring you all to a place I love, a place I’ve put so much work into.
You know you’re old when you’re reminiscing about stuff like this! Anyway, how’s school? Are you liking London any more now (aside from winter weather – oof)?
Love,
Susan
To: ahughes@
From: susan.elwood@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: April 13, 2025
Alice, my darling girl,
I have a confession: my cancer is back. There, I told someone. My doctors have been worried that I’ve been keeping this to myself, but frankly, I don’t see the point in dragging anyone else into it. Still, it feels good to get it off my chest.
It’s inoperable, unfortunately, and the prognosis is fairly bleak. Do keep this to yourself, dear. I’m still sitting with it.
All my love,
Susan
To: susan.elwood@
From: ahughes@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: April 14, 2025
My Susan,
I’m heartbroken to hear this news. Thank you for telling me.
I know you don’t want to worry anyone, or have anyone dote over you, but I have to be honest with you, since I always am.
I think you need to tell your children about this.
They will want to be there to support you, especially Briar, and you need to let them.
Now, of all times, your family needs to be together.
Sending all of my love & strength to you. You know what you mean to me, so I won’t pain you by writing it all out.
Love,
Alice
To: ahughes@
From: susan.elwood@
Subject: re: checking in
Date: May 16, 2025
Alice,
If you’re reading this, it means I’m dead. Excuse the melodrama. I would like you to speak at the funeral – you’ll know what to say.
Be good to B, she’s going to need you.
Love always,
S