Chapter 15 #4
It had sounded like an insult when Vivith said it, that was why.
I shrugged, then caught myself: Araxis knew what that meant, but it's not like everyone who joined Creche Thiel or spent time with me got a dossier all about what to expect from their human virra.
"I'm just curious. I overheard someone at the museum gossiping, and they said it about someone else. What would that mean?"
"And there was no challenge made?" Inmadra blinked, surprised. "Hm. I will explain. Sometimes the word endanaan is used to stand in for –" She said a melodic abayan phrase. At my blank look, her cheeks tightened with frustration. "Listen more carefully. I will say it again."
I nodded, staring at her; sometimes, when the sounds all ran together, I just needed to watch the speaker so I could hear better. It didn't make a lot of sense, except that maybe I'd gotten good at reading lips and non-verbal cues at the den.
"The endanaan in the void," said Inmadra slowly, "that devours its nestmates. It is a very old way of describing a creche."
"So it's – an animal in, uh, an empty space that eats its… eggs?" My translation skills were decidedly not good. "Is that a parable?"
She nodded. I edged in a little closer so that I could hear despite the crowds. "In the story, there is a terrible earthquake and the endanaan – a great serpent found only on Xenkavic, where abaya originate – falls into the hollow core of our planet with its nest."
"Wait, the core is –"
"There is not a hollow core, no, although early abaya believed that," said Inmadra with a smile.
In the distance, a child had started screaming; my stare jerked over, but they'd just dropped their juice.
"The endanaan and its nest fall into the void.
Without sustenance or the heat from the sun, it becomes desperate: in its confusion, in its desire to save its nestmates and eggs from an eternity of suffering, it ends up consuming anything it can find, not realizing that it consumes that which it would endeavour to save. "
We drew up to the checkpoint, the bored-looking brin guard inspecting our identification. While we'd had no difficulty getting into Ballast Ward, it was always a roll of the dice whether the guards decided to play nice or to be dicks.
"That's grim," I said while the guard was busy.
"So it means that…" I trailed off, expectant, but Inmadra only blinked placidly at me.
Right, she was going to make me deduce meaning, like I was back on Seraphim studying the Words of Wisdom.
"Is it about someone who destroys the thing they're trying to save? "
She inclined her head. "It speaks to a creche that is flailing around in the dark, confused and uncertain where to strike. You can see why it is an insult."
I could, and it struck me as a particularly awful thing for one hatch-mate to call another.
Because Vivith hadn't tried to insult our creche.
They'd wanted to insult Araxis, to say that his confusion was leading us to ruin.
When Vivith had been caught out behaving badly, defying his orders, instead of reflecting on how their actions might affect the creche, they'd lashed out.
If anyone was the endanaan, it was Vivith.
The brin guard waved us forward, but they stopped me as I moved to pass the processing terminal. "You know," they said, "my cousin lost a great deal of money when you survived."
I made sure my face was arranged in a pleasant expression, even as a knot tightened in my gut. "Oh?"
The brin's expressive features twitched before they leaned in and said, low, "That cousin is an absolute nightmare, so good on you. Be well, Sashen Solar."
The tension dissipated, and I smiled and waved at the brin as we picked our way across the busy Ballast Ward docks, threading back to the inter-ward shuttle terminal.
Inmadra was watching me out of the corner of her eye.
"Does it not bother you," she asked as we went to go stand in another line, "to know people were placing wagers on your life? "
"Does it matter if it bothers me?" I asked.
"It happened, so I can either… feel weird about it, or I can decide that I don't care.
" Her look, flat and skeptical, said volumes.
"Besides," I rushed on, "I didn't die, and now I'm here.
And there are still a lot of people who have plenty of opinions about me, and that's – okay. "
"Hm. I believe I have identified an error in my vocabulary," she said, bone dry. "I have had one understanding of okay. You use it in an entirely different way. What a pleasure it is, to still be learning."
"Yeah, yeah," I said. "I know." Then, "Thanks for explaining all that to me.
I guess I like learning too." And because I liked learning, Inmadra spent the rest of the time we were in line for the shuttle quizzing me on my latest vocabulary exercises, although she turned her attention to some of the tasks she was handling for the creche by the time we actually sat down in our shuttle to head back home – which gave me time to think.
It took me four times of opening and closing my message interface before I settled on what I wanted to say to Araxis.
You probably won't have time to open this and read it until things are figured out, I wrote as we took the shuttle back to Verdant Ward, where Inmadra and I would settle into one of the reception rooms while she continued to try to forcibly shove the entire abayan language into my malleable human brain.
But I want you to know that I trust your leadership, and I also trust you in a way that has nothing to do with the creche and everything to do with the two of us.
And I wouldn't mind being courted by you.
Maybe I'd even like that. Travel safely wherever you are, and I'll be waiting for you when you're able to come home.
And then I squiggled a quick heart and added it as a little flourish at the end of the message.
And it was true. Somehow, over the past six weeks, I'd come back to this place. It wasn't the same as how I'd felt before or during the Tournament. This wasn't a perfect, unblemished trust; it wasn't a flawless love. It was a bit worn and battered, but there it was. Real and true and ours.
I didn't know how he was going to handle Vivith; I couldn't grasp the complexity of the situation, but I trusted Araxis to figure it out.
That night, after the children's brin friend had left for the evening, stuffed full of dumplings and buzzing with excitement when his parent picked him up, I settled in on the sofa in the front room with the kids so we could watch one of their favourite whale documentaries; Elethenn appeared not long after with a tray of a sweet tea that was a favourite of the children – a treat usually reserved for special occasions – and sat down as well, and we stayed that way until all three started falling asleep.
They'd expected to see Vivith today and had begged to stay up.
I hadn't had the heart to tell them that Vivith had been here and then left, all while they were at school.
And maybe Vivith would be back tonight, everything resolved.
So I kept an eye on the time and as the hour grew later and later, I nudged them up and had Sadin help me round up the other two, taking them back to their nest for the evening.
Once they were bedded down, I circled back to the kitchen, where Elethenn was still at work preparing things for tomorrow and, judging by the volume of food, maybe for the next three weeks as well.
"Are you alright?" I asked, poking my head in. "It was a weird day."
He looked startled, and then smiled, a little sadly. "I'm fine, Sashen. Thank you. I'm – better now. Are you well?"
I paused, taking stock. Was I alright? It had been a hell of a day, after a hell of a week.
But in the end, at least I'd come to some sort of answer, although it was difficult.
It was definitely more difficult than seeing Araxis as a client and my time with Creche Thiel as a waypoint before I launched into a different journey, a new adventure.
This was work, being here, being part of the creche.
Making a home and a life. It was a lot of fucking work.
But –
It was the labour of my choosing. I was choosing to put in the effort, the blood, sweat, and tears. I was doing the work so that we could be together. We, the creche, and we, me and Araxis.
"I think so," I said after a pause. "I think – Yeah. It feels… intense, though. I'm not used to that. I mostly floated along at the den. Different day, same alien dick. Well, that's not true – there's a lot of variety! – but once you've seen one voltaar ovipositor…"
Elethenn flushed, shaking his head as he tidied up the counter. "I cannot tell if you are trying to shock me," he said, "or if this is what you're like when you're too tired to try not to."
I laughed, weary, leaning against the door frame. "Oh, maybe a bit of both. It's nice to not always have to be on my best behaviour – but… you'll tell me if I actually make you uncomfortable, right? I think there's probably enough discomfort in the creche without me adding to it by being… a lot."
"Yes, I will tell you. And I may be – reserved, but I am not so new to the world or so rigid that I am easily offended.
" I had a moment to silently applaud myself for not cracking a joke about being rigid before Elethenn added, "Besides, you are hardly the cause of the difficulties here.
Every creche has conflict. And a time of transition is challenging for all creche-mates, particularly when there are questions about who should be head of house. "
I frowned. "Sorry," I said carefully, "What do you mean about who should be head of house?"
Elethenn blinked, looking surprised as he studied me. Then his head tilted, curious. "Did you not – No, you have made it clear that no one speaks to you at any length about any cultural or political practices. Apologies, Sashen, I can explain, although…"