Chapter 15 #3
Vivith exhaled, sharp, as they studied Araxis down the length of their nose.
"You surround yourself with dangerous people, Araxis," they murmured, staring at him.
And then, with a pointed glance my way, they switched into Standard.
"You surround yourself with liars and pedants whose aim is to weaken you.
Who will show you the way, if you only have broken things around you who will spit out whatever rote phrase you ask them to when you pull their strings?
Little shards of glass who only ever reflect back what you wish to see: do you imagine yourself beloved and adored?
There is nothing real in this creche if I am not here.
There is only the void at the centre of the earth. Endanaan, afraid and thrashing."
To his credit, Araxis didn't react beyond the flicker of his eyelids. "So it is true, then."
"Truth is whatever you believe it to be, apparently," said Vivith.
"Truth is what I will find on the security feed," he snapped. "And that will be?"
Vivith shook their head, taking a step back, and then they hissed something in abayan so quietly and so quickly – all sibilant sounds, a sharp song that made the hair rise on the back of my neck – that I couldn't make it resolve into words in my head.
And then Vivith turned on their heel and stormed from the kitchen.
I watched their retreating back, the voluminous shape of their robe, like a shroud.
I shot a quick look at Elethenn, who had nearly collapsed in on himself, as if he wished to just vanish into nothingness.
"I will leave," he muttered, practically fleeing from the room, scrubbing at his face with the edge of a sleeve.
"Araxis –" I started, but Araxis was already moving. He brushed past me, heading toward the door.
"I cannot, Sashen," he said, voice low, tense.
"I should – I must address Vivith. I must deal with this immediately.
" I stared after him, perplexed, but he paused in the door, coming to a hard, sudden stop like he'd run into a wall.
And then Araxis whirled to look at me, sorrowful.
"I know you have no reason to trust me or believe me when I tell you, beloved, but I did not know, I swear to you –"
"I believe you," I said, chest tight. "I know this wasn't you. It's alright."
His breath caught in his throat, jagged, eyes fluttering shut for a moment – as if I'd just given him something so beautiful that he could barely stand upright.
And then, in a rush, he looked at me again and walked back across the dining room, taking my face in his hands and kissing me hard.
"A great deal is changing in Creche Thiel," he murmured as he released me.
"And that can make for a difficult adjustment.
It is not you, Sashen. You are not the problem.
I know you worried about being the root of a conflict between Vivith and I – you are not.
This is –" He glanced over his shoulder to the door, seemingly torn between staying here with me and going after Vivith.
"I understand," I said. I could hear the hidden edge of distress beneath his words, I could see it in the tension of his shoulders and arms, the pinched skin around his eyes. "We can talk about it later. Go do what you need to do."
"The provisioner –" he started.
I waved a hand, dismissive. "I can handle it. I'll get Inmadra to help."
"And training –"
I made a sound that was almost a laugh, incredulous.
"We can go any time," I said, firm. I reached out and pushed his shoulder with one hand, nudging him backwards.
"Go talk to Vivith. Tell me if you need me, and take however long you need.
When we finish with the provisioner, I'll go to our room and work on grammar – I'm behind in my lessons, so I'll stick around, and we can talk about it when you're back. I won't go anywhere today. Promise."
His eyes shimmered as he looked at me. "You are a treasure, Sashen," Araxis said finally, words a bit rough at the edges with emotion that was barely held in check.
"And I do not want to date you: I want to court you.
I wish to be by your side always, no matter where that path leads.
" And then, flushed and distressed, he slipped from the dining room and went after his sibling, leaving me with his words thundering through my body.
Echoing until I could feel them down in my very marrow.
I wish to be by your side always. A wish, not a mandate. A hope. A dream.
It was too much for me to hold, so I turned and tidied up the tray, cleaning the cups and the teapot. And then, entirely unsure what to do with myself, I went in search of Elethenn.
He wasn't hard to find: he had his own room, after all.
I rapped my knuckles against the door; a few heartbeats later, the door wrenched open and Elethenn stood looking up at me, his face hastily wiped of tears.
As horrible as it was to see him so upset – he never got too emotional, just kind of weird – it was almost a relief to not be the only one who cried in the creche.
"Should I pack my things?" he asked, almost breathless.
"Don't be stupid," I said and added, as a warning, "I'm about to be aggressively human all over you, so don't freak out and punch me in the stomach. I've been punched enough lately." And then I stepped into his room, reached out, and hauled him in for a tight hug.
At first, Elethenn was all coiled muscle, about as pleasant to hug as a rock.
But as I held him, my arms thrown around his shoulders, my head tipped against the side of his, as I breathed deep and even so that he could feel my chest expand and contract, he – unlocked.
A fraction of the tension slipped away. In its place, though, was something almost broken.
Like it had only been the tension holding him together.
"Thank you," I murmured against Elethenn, squeezing him as I felt him pull in a hard, jagged breath against my skin.
"I know you did that for me. I know you risked it all because you had to be sure Araxis didn't condone that.
You're an amazing friend, and Creche Thiel is lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have you."
Elethenn was quivering against me. I felt him shake his head. "I am nothing," he ground out. "I am certainly not good fortune."
"Shut up," I said affectionately. "Don't talk about my friend like that."
I could feel his throat working as he trembled against me, and then he let out a long, rattling breath, cool against my skin.
"I – Should I – I could go make tea. And the children are bringing home a friend from school today.
I – Adrathi asked if I would make snacks. " The word sounded wet when he said it.
"Okay," I said, finally releasing him and rocking back a little.
He reached up and scrubbed again at his face, staring down at the ground as if, by looking anywhere but at me, I might not notice he'd been crying on me.
"I've got to handle the provisioner we were supposed to see, but I could order food in after? So that's not on your plate, at least?"
That got his attention. Elethenn's shiny black stare snapped up, and he scoffed.
"There is nowhere in Verdant Ward that makes decent steamed buns, and Talvi does not care for the dumplings from the restaurant on the corner.
Of course I will make food." He looked at me, then, as if I were truly an idiot.
"You really are the best," I said, grinning despite everything. "Even if you have horrible taste in men."
Elethenn's head tilted, then. "What?"
"I'm just saying," I intoned, "if you're choosing to make eyes at Tam when you haven't once batted an eyelash in my direction? I mean, there's no accounting for it."
"Hm." His stare narrowed, cheeks silvering. "Well, you are virra. He is antali. There is a great deal of accounting for it."
"Yeah, but I'm everyone's type," I insisted, stepping back into the hallway. As I hoped, Elethenn followed, and we made our way to the kitchen. "Well, everyone who's sensible, anyway."
"You are certainly our Araxis's type," he agreed. Then, cautiously, with a careful look my way, "Sometimes I – I question his judgement, in this only, but he seems quite set on you. Even the kitchen is not safe these days."
I blinked, shocked, and then burst out laughing.
Even when he was going for a friendly insult, Elethenn couldn't help but make it clear he respected our head of house.
I jostled his shoulder as he went to begin gathering ingredients to make what would surely be way too much food for the children; it hadn't taken long to realize that, when uncertain, Elethenn made food. We'd be well-fed for the next week.
"Yeah, yeah, I know, shouldn't be making out in common spaces.
At least we closed the door first. But have you seen him?
No wonder I can't keep my hands to myself.
" I flicked up my message interface and sent a quick ping to Inmadra, who was no doubt in the office compiling notes on how the meeting with Creche Zivanis had gone.
The minute I heard back, I left Elethenn to his own devices and Inmadra and I booked an inter-ward shuttle to travel to the provisioner in Ballast Ward.
In truth, I wasn't much use – we were just reviewing the manifest, doing a bit of haggling, signing the final paperwork, and coordinating delivery – which meant that I was left with a lot of time to sit and think.
"What's endanaan?" I asked Inmadra as we stood, waiting for our shuttle back to Verdant Ward.
Inmadra, who'd looked nearly smug when we left the provisioner's office, glanced up at me, curious. "It is a beast from ancient times. Why?"