Chapter 16
Null and (Throw Me Into The) Void
"We're going to have to gather everyone in one of the front rooms," Araxis said blearily while I poured him tea.
I'd woken early, way before anyone in the creche was up and about, and he'd still been pressed against me, his eyes open and unblinking as he stared into nothingness.
And because it was what he did whenever I was upset and it really did always make me feel better, I kissed his forehead, wiggled out of bed, pulled on a robe, and headed down to the kitchen to make tea.
He'd been sitting up in bed, blankets pooled around him, by the time I'd gotten back, and while he took the cup that I offered him, it was more like a reflex. I didn't even think he was aware that he was holding it.
"Araxis," I said. "Drink."
His stare flicked up at me, and a tired smile curved his lips. "Yes, Sashen," he murmured, taking a sip. That sip was followed by a deep breath, his eyes fluttering shut as he steeled himself for… something.
This was different. His expression was stark, like there was a brittleness to him and applying the wrong type of pressure might make him break.
In that moment, I decided to be his support: to make myself the frame, the beams, the cradle that could keep him upright, shore up his weak points, keep him from breaking.
"I can gather everyone," I offered. "But did you want to give me the talking points first?"
Araxis nodded once and cleared his throat. He took another drink of his tea, and fluted out a heavy breath. "I took Vivith off-station last night," he said.
I blinked. That seemed extreme. Then again, what did I know?
"I thought that it might be helpful for us to speak in a familiar environment, so we went to the retrofitting dock.
" continued Araxis, as if he were justifying his choices to me, "It was a mistake: the ship has been stripped for the final systems work.
It will not look like home again until the end of the week.
I knew that, but I thought there might be some familiar space, some…
corner that might be like an anchor for us.
Instead, we ended up arguing in the helm, surrounded by exposed wires and chaos.
" He snorted, stare a thousand miles away. "In a way, that was fitting."
I wanted to ask questions, but I knew he needed space.
So instead, I put my tea down and sat down at the foot of the bed across from him, reaching out to take one of his bare feet.
"Is this alright?" I murmured, tracing the shape of his angular foot: the four short toes at the end, the fifth running along the inner arch.
He nodded distantly and I could see a fraction of tension leave his shoulders as I kneaded at the joints.
"Vivith is unhappy with my leadership. They say I have changed, but I believe what they see as change is that I've grown in confidence and have dedicated myself to this role in all its complexity.
Which means that I'm not quite so easy to lead in the direction that Vivith would like. "
That did about sum it up. I continued massaging Araxis's scaled foot, determined to keep my mouth shut and just listen.
But Araxis shifted his weight and asked, "What do you think? Is that your interpretation as well?"
My hands stilled in surprise, and I looked up at him.
"You're good at reading people, Sashen," he said, and even in the dim glow of the room, he looked washed out and weary. "Your opinion carries a great deal of weight with me."
"I don't know, Araxis, it's not like I'm great at seeing hidden motivations," I said without really meaning to. A look of hurt flashed across his tired face, and I winced. "Fuck, sorry."
"I would never wish for you to apologize for giving voice to how you feel.
" I could see him chewing on the inside of his cheek.
He half-turned his head, tipping it back against the headboard as he stared out one of the windows.
"To be fair, you saw almost all of what I felt: I was enamoured and frightened and wanted nothing so badly as to keep you safe from what I had done.
And you did see the guilt and shame, Sashen.
You just didn't understand their root. I heard your initial impressions after only our first few days together, and you had my measure, even all the parts I liked to pretend weren't there.
He must not be praised often. To have you see something at a glance that I was certain I had hidden entirely.
So, yes, I would like your estimation of Vivith. "
My mouth was dry, my heartbeat a little unsteady.
I released one foot and pulled the other into my lap, gently tracing the hard tendons, like steel wires, beneath the surface of his skin.
"Okay. Then I agree: I think Vivith is used to having a handle on things, and by things I mean you.
You're head of house, but Vivith probably hasn't ever taken that seriously because they don't take you seriously, not in the way they should.
They stole the eggs without bringing you in on the plan first, because they thought it was their right.
I'm sure they were the force behind the plan about me, and the Tournament, and you might have agreed, but it was Vivith's idea.
And when you went public as head of Creche Thiel and you started going off-script, off Vivith's script, I think that probably threw them for a loop.
Your dynamic has been, I think, that Vivith puts you in the spotlight and wants to lead from behind, no matter what Thalidi said.
Like a horse pulling a cart. The horse isn't the driver. "
I looked up and Araxis face flickered with confusion.
Fair; it was an awful example. "It's an animal that pulls a wagon," I supplied distantly.
"It doesn't matter. Since you've actually taken charge, Vivith is scrambling to get control back.
They place a lot of weight on being cinelaat; they expect to be mapping the path and for you to be following it.
So this isn't the dynamic they're used to.
This isn't what they expected. And I think they have different ideas about how to steer this creche than you do. "
"Yes, they made that abundantly clear last night." He looked back toward the window, where the colours of dawn on a faraway planet – replicated perfectly here in Verdant Ward – were starting to brighten the sky.
"So where did you leave things?" I asked after the silence stretched on for ages. I slid my hand up his long leg, kneading the muscle until I could see his shoulders start to relax. "This is alright?" I murmured, just to check; I hadn't touched him like this before.
I could see his eyelids wanted to droop, and Araxis was fighting valiantly to keep himself alert.
"Hm. I am always happiest when you are touching me – and this is particularly…
nice." He smiled at me, a tiny, flickering thing, and then continued.
"I came back to the station alone. Vivith took another shuttle to travel to Vadania.
There is an information broker on the planet with ties to Xitera.
Vivith is tasked with retrieving worthwhile intelligence to assist us when we arrive in the empire.
" He frowned, looking exhausted. "They are also tasked with determining if they wish to aid this creche or find another one to call home.
It might be difficult, given that their theft of the eggs is well-known, but they offer many important skills and their experience with hatchlings is certainly appealing for other creches.
I told them I would assist in arranging a new offer if they decide that is what they want. "
"And what about the kids?" I asked, a wave of nausea rising inside of me, even as I worked to keep my face neutral while I massaged the curve of his other leg.
"They are part of Creche Thiel. Abaya are different from other species, Sashen.
The children would not be welcome elsewhere, as their value to a creche is not yet known.
" At my expression – which, really, I mean how could I control my response to that?
– he made a soft sound. "Yes, I know: the way many abaya view hatchlings is reprehensible, but it works in our favour this time.
They will stay regardless of what happens with Vivith. "
"Okay," I breathed. "Alright. And how are you doing?"
He exhaled, head angling to one side so that he was staring out the window again. "Ah, well. There is not much to be said there, or maybe there is too much. Perhaps – Might you tell me about your day yesterday? I very much like hearing the sound of your voice."
I could do that, so as I continued to touch him, trying – through the force of my hands alone – to unlock at least some of the tension corded through his body, I told him about Elethenn and about the malat provisioner who'd tried to sneak in a surcharge that Inmadra had caught in a second and I'd then convinced them should, as recompense, become a discount instead; I recounted the visit with Tef'an, who had actually tried to curl up in Avelthe's lap but, when Avelthe had seemed distressed, settled in with Thodin instead, who'd smiled – a real one, big and goofy and dazzling; I chattered about my language lesson, and I did it in abayan so he could hear how far I'd come.
He listened, eyes drifting shut, and I was certain he fell asleep at least once, but I just kept talking.
When he seemed to come to again, I poured him more tea and we discussed our plan for the morning, his eyes a little less lined with trepidation than they had been when I'd first woken up.