Chapter 16 #4
His hands moved a little, pushing me away slightly so that he could look at me.
His eyes shimmered as they looked into mine, and I watched as his stare dropped, all heat, down to the line of my neck, his tongue flicking out to his lips.
My untouched skin throbbed under the weight of his stare, and my fingers tightened against his body.
"Hm. I – Not yet, Sashen." His eyes were half-lidded, and even as he said it, his hips shifted against me, against my thigh, and he made a soft, strangled sound, head tipping against my temple as he struggled for some sort of control.
I stayed very still, trying to ignore the shiver of hurt I felt at his refusal. "Why?"
His hands shifted to my chest and he exerted the smallest amount of pressure.
I understood. I slid my hands out from under his clothes and took one step back, but Araxis caught my hand before I took another.
"Not too far," he murmured. He searched my face.
"I meant what I said, Sashen. I want to court you properly.
I want to show you my devotion. I wish to demonstrate how seriously I take you, and how seriously I take us.
I want to show that I will be a good romantic partner.
It is – It feels important, after what I did.
It feels imperative. The caldathess is – I have not earned it yet. "
I could understand that if I really tried, although it sounded impossible. He didn't want to fool around because he wanted to show that he was a serious suitor? He wanted to demonstrate his devotion? To – what, earn my favour, like a knight at some ancient tournament?
In that scenario, I guess I was a princess. Although, let's be honest, in that scenario, my role would probably be shovelling shit and dying an early, miserable death after a short, miserable life.
"This hurts you," Araxis said carefully, fingers tightening on my hand. "Why?"
My first impulse was to deny that I was feeling any kind of way. My second impulse was to reduce it all down to sex and being horny and how I liked the feeling of his mouth on my skin and his hand on my cock, and honestly I really needed to blow off some steam so couldn't we blow each other?
But this, I thought distantly, was the labour of my choosing.
I looked away. I couldn't look at him when I said it, instead staring at our unmade bed.
I should have made it when I got up. I wasn't good at being responsible and together, not yet, but I'd learn to fake it.
"I just – I still can't believe that you'd want me in a serious way.
Of course you'd want someone else, someone who understands abayan politics and can speak your language.
Who's smart and capable and can actually help you instead of, I don’t know, causing trouble and being… a lot of bother."
He inhaled at the abayan phrase, as if to speak, but I knew I'd lose my nerve if he interrupted, so I just kept talking.
"I know why you wanted me in the first place, and that's because I'm a prize.
And then you wanted me because, you know, I'm good in bed and that's all new for you, and if I'm the only person you've wanted to fuck, of course you'd like to keep me around.
I'm fun. And then you felt bad about everything and were kind of stuck with me, because of your politics and my – well, if you cut me loose, I'd be in a lot of trouble, we've established that.
So… I don't know. Wouldn't you want your pick of virra in Xitera?
I hear they're all aflutter about your imminent arrival.
I don't think I'm the winning choice here, Araxis, not really. "
Araxis was quiet and still while I finished speaking.
I wasn't looking at him so I didn't know what his face was doing, but his fingers were still tight on my hand.
He stepped in closer; I could feel his presence even if I wasn't looking at him.
I thought I could probably feel him anywhere, like we were tethered, like knowing where he was had become written into my DNA.
"I would choose you, every time," he said simply.
"I will always choose you. You are my choice, among all possible others. "
It sounded so good, and it couldn't be true. "You can't know that," I muttered, still staring pointedly away. "But – I am trying, Araxis. I hope you can see how I'm trying to – to make myself better. I'm training hard. I'm studying hard. I've read everything you've sent me, over and over. I'm –"
"Beloved," he said, his voice was so soft and full of yearning that I couldn't help but look at him.
He gathered my hand between both of his, holding it like it might break, and his eyes were shimmering with emotion.
"You do not need to try. I am the one who must try; I am the one who has done wrong; I am the one who must work to even dream of being worthy of you, as you are, Sashen, not as you think I must wish you to be. "
He was breaking my heart in the most beautiful way, excising the scar tissue and finding the dark, infected bits where I was still fighting what had been inflicted on me so long ago. He cut me open with his scalpel-sharp words, and it was the sweetest relief, the kindest gift.
"I, uh," I started, voice rough. I cleared my throat, staring down at the way he held my hand. "I – You know, when we came in here, I meant to be a support for you."
He hummed out a soft, comforting sound. "I think we can be a support for each other, don't you? I think we are."
I nodded, numb, and he gently, carefully released my hand. He reached to brush his fingers through my hair, and then he sighed, a soft exhale. "I must prepare for the remainder of the day," he said as I leaned into his touch. "Would you – Hm."
He stopped, and I looked up at him as he traced the glittering chains in my ears, his touch light; he had flushed silver. "Would I what?" I asked, feeling raw and a little dizzy.
"When I have washed, I wonder if you might braid my crest," he murmured finally.
I swallowed, throat tight. "Of course I will.
" My chest was burning with light and warmth.
In that moment, and I couldn't believe it even then, the offered intimacy felt better than if he'd bitten me, if he'd slid his hands down the front of my pants and made me come.
It felt like something new and startling and precious, a gift.
It was something he could do for himself, but that he wanted me to do for him, a way to solidify what we had.
Later, as I sat on one of the couches with Araxis settled between my knees, and I worked quietly on his quills, watching him show me first and then following with my own fingers, I had the distant realization that while, yes, what lay before us was challenging and daunting, here in this moment, I could be perfectly content with Araxis in a way I hadn't thought I would ever feel again.
Like I was made of light that shimmered beneath my skin.
Like I was suffused with affection and love, like it was glowing from every pore.
Like I would never be afraid or alone again.
How could I be, no matter the odds, when we had this?
Even then, I knew it was arrogant. I knew it was foolish.
I knew that there would be darker things coming for us.
But then, on that day, when we'd ended the contract and spoken from our hearts and Araxis sat before me, my fingers threading through his crest as he purred with contentment, I could at least imagine that only bright and good things would come for us.
It was a nice dream, while it lasted.