Chapter 16 #3
"There are dumplings for breakfast," he said. "Come along: I have made all of your favourites." Slowly, the children slid from the couch and started padding their way back to the kitchen. Elethenn looked at me for a fleeting moment, and flinched when our gazes met.
I pushed myself up and followed, catching him before he slipped into the kitchen after the children. "Hey," I said, grabbing his elbow. He went perfectly still under my touch, like a prey animal caught out by a predator.
I let him go at once – yeah, he definitely had some baggage around touch – and softened my voice until it was quiet and gentle. "Don't beat yourself up about that, back in there. It's not a big deal."
He angled his head away from me, staring toward the floor. "Respectfully, Sashen, I do not think your grasp of our language or culture is so proficient yet that you can say that."
I scoffed, waving a hand dismissively. "I say stupid shit all of the time.
In fact, you have catching up to do. Really, it's generous that you'd occasionally put your foot in your mouth so that I'm not left out here on my own.
Oh, that's – It just means that we all fuck up sometimes, and it's nice that it's not just me.
Don't worry: I'm sure I'll do something really stupid soon and everyone will forget all about you. "
Elethenn exhaled, and it was almost like a trill and almost like a sigh of frustration. But affectionate frustration, maybe.
"I'll send you a message later, once I know what my new schedule looks like, alright?" I said, turning to go back to the bedroom. "So we can head down to Radiant Ward again?"
"As you wish," he murmured, still not looking at me, and then he stepped into the kitchen to deal with the children and I went after Araxis to figure out what the fuck was going to come next.
* * *
What was going to come next was a lot of meetings. So many meetings. Heaps and heaps, endless meetings, because it turned out that a lot of what Vivith had been doing was, well, meetings.
"How did they find the time?" I asked, horrified, as we stared at the list of all of the creches, provisioners, businesses, and information networks that Vivith had been in the process of coordinating meetings, exchanges, and conversations with.
"They've always been good at multi-tasking," Araxis said, standing in front of the display in our room with his arms crossed and, for the first time since I'd known him, sounding morose.
I starting tapping at the tasks I could take on – I mean, talking to a provisioner in Central Ward and getting things ordered for the manor on Thelessia?
No problem; could I meet with a representative from Creche Laxni (moderate, small in size but rich in resources, angling to gain sway in the Assembly) in order to set up the next meeting with one of their representatives?
I bet I could if I roped in Inmadra – but as I started flipping them over to my own calendar and slotting them into place over the next week, Araxis reached out and caught my wrist.
"You can't," he said as I poked the scheduled meeting with the provisioner to a couple days in the future.
"I can order provisions. I'll even bring you the list to check, so you can be sure I haven't made any mistakes."
He fluted out a hard breath, fingers still wrapped around my wrist. Araxis shook his head. "I know that you are capable, but – Sashen, that is your day off."
I jerked my wrist away. "So? That doesn't matter anymore."
"It does," Araxis said, insistent. "You cannot work on your personal days. You have already filled up the mornings and afternoons you were meant to have for yourself. Your contract –"
"Honestly, Araxis, it doesn't matter," I insisted, irritated.
We had bigger things to worry about. He needed me to step up, and I would step up.
I had said I wanted to be his equal, and that meant that I wasn't going to pretend to be taking time off like he was a client when we had to scramble to keep on track for our departure to the empire in three weeks.
He reached out and flicked the massive display off, a sharp, almost angry gesture, and when he looked at me, his chest was heaving – as if something about this conversation was costing him greatly. "It does matter, Sashen. We agreed. It is in your contract. You –"
For fuck's sake. I stepped away, tapping on my wristband and pulling up the encrypted copy of our contract. "Cool," I said. "Well, we're renegotiating."
"No," said Araxis.
I shot him a dark look. "Too fucking bad. You said we could renegotiate at any time. You said you would give me whatever I wanted. Did I misunderstand?"
"I meant –"
"Oh, did you tell something nice without really meaning it?"
It was a dirty trick, but it worked. Araxis's features spasmed, and he looked at the ground, hard.
I could see his chest rising and falling, see his fists curl.
Someone else might have seen those fists and felt afraid, but I knew the only person he wanted to strike was himself.
"Very well," he bit out after a long moment.
"But we don't have time for this, Sashen. "
"Yes, exactly." I swiped at the contract, flicking to the last page and adding a final line, slamming my thumb on the display so that I left a glowing biosignature. And then, angry for a reason I couldn't quite understand, I sent it to him, crossing my arms.
The file blinked on his wrist. He opened it. His eyes gleamed in the light slicing in from the windows as he skimmed the text, looking for the changes.
"Last page," I supplied, and he flicked through to the end.
I watched him as he read my addition. His eyes flared wide, lashes fluttering in the way that they did when he was surprised and didn't know what to do with what he was feeling. I watched the smallest tremble in his mouth, could see his mind racing, racing, racing.
"Sashen," he said finally, hoarse.
"Sign it." I kept watching, steady. "That's what I want."
"But –"
"Look," I said, and despite myself, I could feel something quivering deep in my chest too.
Like something alive, newborn and fragile; something still damp and shocked and on trembling legs.
"I tried distance. I thought if I took some space, I might – I don't know, feel less.
I might need you less. But it's been weeks, and I've realized that I don't want to need you less.
I don't want to date you either. I want to be courted; I want to be courted by you.
If you asked me today to declare for you, even after everything, I would.
I know what it means now, Araxis, and I would do it.
So just sign the fucking contract, agree to an early termination, and let's move on with things. Let's move on together."
His eyes were glistening with unshed tears as he stared at me. "I haven't even apologized," he tried. "You deserve so much more, Sashen. You deserve everything."
I dropped my arms from where they were crossed against my chest, and I walked across the carpet toward him as he stood, looking vulnerable and terrified, in the middle of our room.
"I don't need you to apologize with words," I said, reaching for him and curling my hand against his neck while he shuddered under my touch.
"You've been apologizing with everything you've done, everything you've said.
You've been living an apology for weeks, and it's worth so much more than words could ever amount to.
And it's enough. I forgive you. I love you. I'm proud of you – I'm in awe of you."
Araxis's eyes were shimmering, his eyelashes wet. "I would like to say the words to you. If you would be willing to hear them."
"I'm willing to hear them," I murmured, tracing my thumb beneath the shape of his eye. "If that will put your heart at ease."
His eyes fluttered shut under my touch, his body rocking toward me, as if I were the gravitational well now, as if he couldn't help himself.
"Sign it," I said, quiet and insistent. Because if we were going to do this, we were going to do it right. We were going to live it, not just segment it to my days off. We weren't going to play that game. We were going to be in it, and we were going to be in it together.
He nodded, eyes slowly opening as soft tears spilled down over his cheeks.
He looked down at his wristband and pressed his thumb to the scanner, and my own wristband chimed to confirm the file had been completed.
The document had been closed. I took a half-step back, added a layer of encryption, and sent it off to the judiciary ship where the original was being kept.
"Well, now that that's done," I said breezily, "we can get to other important business. "
He blinked at me, eyes wet, and actually looked surprised when I stepped in close, nudging him backwards until his shoulders hit the wall between two windows.
And I wanted to be all smooth about it – take his chin in my fingers, say something really slick and cool – but honestly?
More than that, I wanted to kiss him and hold him close and love him in the way he deserved.
So I tipped forward and caught his mouth with mine.
He made a soft sound, breathy, and I moved in closer, slipping my hands around his waist, grasping at the place where his fine silky undershirt gave way to skin, so I could slide my fingers across the expanse of his waist, touching places that were forbidden to everyone else.
His mouth was open and needy against mine, and I felt more than heard the heated rumble from his chest. His hands rose to my face, holding me in place as he pushed himself forward, kissing me with hunger, his tongue cool and insistent in the heat of my mouth.
One of my hands moved to the curve of his ass, my thigh slotting in between his legs. Araxis inhaled, surprised, even as his hips canted forward, seeking the friction of my body. I took the moment when his lips moved from mine to murmur, "You should mark me. I'd like that. I want that."