Chapter 24 #2
"And what of your dedication to me? It is your place, Vivith, to defer to my judgment.
It is your place to cede to my leadership.
It is not your place to make unilateral decisions that seem to only ever compromise my integrity, my position, my honour.
This would not harm Creche Thiel; it would harm only me.
Do not think I fail to grasp the politics, Vivith. "
"You do fail to grasp them! You're being a fool, Araxis! And we cannot afford your foolishness! It is your ego, yet again –"
At which point the argument slipped into abayan that was so heated and fast-paced that I didn't stand a chance of keeping up.
I pulled my cup closer, lifting it to take a sip.
It was over-steeped, but it gave me something to focus on while the cascade of furious rapid-fire abayan washed over me, each syllable like a needle jabbed into deep tissue.
Araxis slammed his hands on the table, the teapot clattering and I flinched despite myself.
Vivith fell to silence, their body curled forward as they leaned partway across the table, hand hovering in mid-air where they'd been about to snap their sharp talons at Araxis, as if he were a child.
Vivith blinked, looking at their own hand, and they yanked it back to their lap while Araxis heaved in a hard, deep breath; I could hear the flex of his crest next to me, although it was braided.
He was furious, and he needed to be in control.
He needed to remember that he was in control.
I let my fingers tap idly on the surface of the table, pointedly, and his stare immediately dropped down, caught on my fingers as they drummed against the lustrous surface where I'd fucked him, in this room where he had real power.
Where he had me – eager, willing, all his.
Araxis blinked once, slow. I watched him as he visibly steadied himself.
One hand fell to mine, and he squeezed my fingers hard within his grip, hard enough to hurt – but he could grasp my hand all night if that's what he needed.
"You made a petition, Vivith," he said, tone even but brittle, like a shard of glass.
"You have not completed your atonement. You have not demonstrated the change required in order for you to retain your position within the creche.
Tell me in your own words, then: why are you here?
I believe I understand, but I would hear it from you. "
I watched Vivith inhale and hold that breath. I watched them exhale it. They were struggling for composure too.
Finally, Vivith said, “I am here so that I might help. If you were killed, Araxis, Creche Thiel would be finished; this is not – I am not angling to remove you from your position. I am desperately trying to assure we still exist. I understand that I am not yet... comporting myself in the way that our head of house expects. I am willing to suffer the indignity of being crecheless within a creche in order to serve Creche Thiel. You have a soft soul, Araxis; you have readily accepted new creche-mates without proper vetting. Allow me to look into them before we bring them with us to Xitera. Allow me to do what it is that I do best. I can find any misdeeds or hidden affiliations. I can find their secret weaknesses so that you might fully understand what it is that you bring into our home. What if one of them awaits the order from Creche Naival? What if they strike where you are most vulnerable? What if – if they have already tried?”
Again, their dark stare flicked to me for a bare moment, our eyes locking. I felt something curdle deep in my stomach, unpleasant and sour.
"You think one of our creche-mates arranged the attack on Sashen," Araxis said, low. "They were not yet our creche-mates, Vivith."
"Either that or – or they may be affiliated with the Unbound or any other faction from Xitera," Vivith tried.
"Regardless, we cannot know, but you are better served by having me in the creche than away from it.
Araxis, you know this: I have many skills that would be useful, even in the interim.
You might send me away again once we are in Xitera so that I can atone properly.
But it would be foolish to send me away now. "
Araxis shifted his hand, just slightly, his thumb moving against my skin.
“And what do you think, Sashen?” he asked, turning so that he was facing me directly.
It was a way to cut Vivith out of the conversation, and I could see, out of the corner of my eye, the simmering resentment on their stiff features.
Did I think it would be a great idea for Vivith to start rooting around in everyone’s past, looking for, what, spies? Informants? Secret assassins? Given what they might turn up about me, not particularly, but there was a problem that struck me as more profound.
"I don't like how they spoke to Elethenn," I said carefully. "And Thodin's sensitive too. They're here, all of our new creche-mates, because Creche Thiel offers them a home – and if Vivith starts digging around in their past and isn't… mindful about what they've been through…"
I could stomach Vivith's habitual accusations, the jibes and barbs, the sneers and caustic comments. But could the others? Although what I wouldn't pay to see Vivith try this shit with Inmadra...
Araxis studied me, then nodded, turning back to Vivith. “Sashen makes a fine point. We must be sensitive to the abuses suffered by some of those who have joined our creche. I am not yet convinced that you are able to conduct yourself with such thoughtfulness."
Vivith flushed an uncharacteristic silver.
They jerked their chin down, jaw working; they looked, for a moment, ashamed, which was bewildering on every front.
"Yes, I know why you must think that. But – I was upset when I spoke of Elethenn.
I – I understand that I did not conduct myself in a way befitting my role – my former role – within the creche. If he is sinnenthi, as you say –"
"As he says," Araxis corrected.
Vivith's black stare darted up, then down again.
"As he says, then who I am to tell him otherwise?
He certainly acts the part. I can admit, I have much yet to learn.
I did not spend as much time at our Thalidi's side as you did, Araxis; I am certain there are paths she charted for you that are unknown to me, although I am cinelaat.
I am willing to – expand my understanding.
I can be…" They trailed off, uncertain, as if they couldn't figure out how to end the sentence.
As if they couldn't put to words how they needed to be.
"Kind?" I didn't mean to speak, but it drifted from me anyway. It was Araxis's kindness that I loved so dearly. If Vivith had anything like that in them, I hadn't seen it yet.
Vivith winced, as if following the direction of my thoughts, their head still low, and then they nodded – although they didn't seem convinced either.
Next to me, Araxis was quiet for a long moment, his fingers still holding my hand. Then he inhaled, straightening. "And what of how you think of me?"
Vivith's features twitched, uneasy. "How do you mean?"
"You have been quick to decry my sensitivity to the feelings of others," he said. "You have said I am sentimental, that it is my wishfulness that leads me to – understand myself in the way that I do. Can I expect that this will also be a weapon you use against me?"
Vivith jerked back, as if struck. Their eyes flared wide, their mouth forming a tremulous line.
"Araxis," they said, almost breathy, "no matter how I understand or – or struggle to understand what it is you have told me," with a darting glance in my direction, as if uncertain that I should be hearing this, "it is private.
It is privileged. I would not use that against you.
You might go entirely mad, and I would not use that to to hurt you. "
I leaned my shoulder against Araxis a little, my stomach twisted in a hard knot. That wasn't what he'd hoped to hear, and I knew it. But…
It was better than nothing.
You pick up scraps and call them a feast. Maybe we were the same in that way. I guess that's what happens when you're told that you are, on some fundamental level, broken and unlovable. You'll take whatever you can get.
So I'd just have to give him a proper feast, then. Even if no one else could, I could give him what he needed.
"Hm." Araxis looked away, throat working. "That is good to hear, Vivith."
"Is this what you've been worrying about in my absence?
" they asked. "Ridiculous. Besides…" Vivith hesitated, clearing their throat and rotating their cup on the table, in the same way Araxis did when he wasn't sure what else to do.
"Besides, it is not as if I do not have a dozen other ways I might remove you from power if I had to. Please."
I stared, wide-eyed and horrified, and then Araxis made a soft, low trill and Vivith followed suit. Was that was passed for a joke between them?
"So that we are understood," said Araxis, "there is one more question I must put to you."
"Anything," said Vivith. "I will answer honestly."
"Nizanin sought out Sashen in order to pass on the writ you had agreed to.
They also sought out Sashen in order to…
ascertain if he needed to be removed from Creche Thiel.
Do you believe that I am incapable of tending –" He stopped, head tilting slightly as he adjusted, "Do you believe I am incapable of being a good partner to him? "
Across the table, Vivith went entirely still. I couldn't blame them; I'd done the same thing.