Chapter 24 #3
"The alternative," Araxis continued in a deliberately conversational tone, "is that you wished to have Sashen taken from Creche Thiel and attempted to do so in a way that would have again removed his autonomy, after we had already done so egregiously.
I have told you to leave Sashen alone. I have told you to speak to him with the respect you would afford any creche-mate.
I have told you that what we share is of immeasurable value to me, and that there is nothing I would not do to assure his happiness and well-being. "
"I –" started Vivith.
"You will want to consider your response carefully," said Araxis, sharp. "Do not ask me to choose between you. You will not care for the result."
"Araxis," I started. "It's – It's fine. It's alright."
"It is neither fine nor alright. Vivith, your response? Please recall: you have promised me honesty."
Vivith wrenched their stare away, glaring furiously at the tepid cup of tea in front of them. To my shock, the line of their mouth was trembling and I swore I could see the sheen of tears in their eyes.
I didn't want this. I didn't want this to be what I brought to the creche. I'd already done so much damage. I couldn't have this – a final, permanent rupture – be my legacy. I opened my mouth to speak, but Vivith got there first.
"He does not even want to stay," Vivith ground out, head tipped forward. "He – Araxis, please. I know you think I'm being irrational but –" They looked up, and there were tears streaking their pale cheeks.
And, look, as much as I didn't like Vivith, as much as I was suspicious of them –
I thought, in that moment, that maybe their loathing came from an honest place. Maybe they really did believe I was… hurting Araxis and they, loving him, felt compelled to intervene. Even if the way they loved him was by forcefully shoving him onto the path of their own devising.
"There is no one in our creche who is obligated to stay," Araxis said, face tight with anger. "You would hold none of the others to the same standard. And –"
I pulled my hand out from underneath his. "I think that's enough."
Vivith shot me a startled look, and Araxis tilted his head as he studied me.
"I think," I said, breathy, "that we have bigger things to worry about right now. And – look, it's fine if Vivith doesn't like me. That's okay."
"It is not about liking," Araxis corrected. "It is a matter of respect –"
"Well, I've never had that before, so I'm not too upset to be missing out on it now," I continued, heart pattering against my ribs.
"We have to – what, be sure Creche Naival can't get to you before we head off to Xitera?
We've just moved our schedule for departure up by a week.
We have a meeting with Nizanin tomorrow.
We have a lot to get done and not much time to do it.
We have to keep you safe, Araxis." I looked back at Vivith, whose face was white, their eyes like massive holes.
"Let's just – We can talk about all of this later, once we're actually in Xitera and after Creche Thiel has been reinstated and this bullshit assassination thing is dismissed.
Genuinely, I don't care if Vivith is rude to me sometimes.
Vivith, I know you think I'm a horrible person, or whatever, and you are entitled to think that and to feel however you want to about me.
Just don't be awful to everyone else. And – God, if the two of you could try and show some harmony outside of this room, I think that would go a long fucking way.
We're vulnerable, and we don't need the two of you making it worse. "
I wasn't sure how I'd ended up angry, but there it was.
Because hadn't we already talked about how dangerous it was for a creche to be at odds with itself?
The risks of having heads of house vying for power?
And even if Vivith believed – and maybe they did, or maybe it was all part of the game – that they weren't angling for control, the discord just wasn't working. And it would be even worse in Xitera.
This, too, was one of the costs of the empire. Elethenn had been right. It was fucking rotten to its core, but we had to go there, and so we would.
Next to me, Araxis shifted, uneasy. His head ducked slightly with what might have been embarrassment. "Sashen is right, of course," he said, looking at Vivith.
"Perhaps he is virra and entinn," Vivith said hoarsely, swiping at their cheeks with the hem of their billowy top. "It has been some time since we were scolded."
Araxis fluted out a sigh, then, sliding his arm around my lower back, pulling me a little closer, like I was the scaffolding holding him up as he struggled under the weight of all of this. As if I was assuring him he could bear it all. “I do not care to be at odds with you, Vivith.”
“No, I do not care for it either,” they said.
“Then how might we meet each other?” Araxis asked, his thumb moving against my hip, gentle, and in that touch, there might have been something like gratitude.
He'd never been angry at me for speaking out of turn, no matter how many times some part of my body anticipated it. “How might we begin to reconcile?”