Chapter 25
Control
I always hoped for a dreamless sleep, but apparently, even when I thought I wasn't having nightmares, they found me all the same.
I woke that night with Araxis hovering above me, propped up on one arm. "Sashen," he murmured, his hand resting gently against the centre of my chest, face little more than a white smudge in the dark of our room. "You're here with me, beloved."
Had I been somewhere else? I tried to recall – there was nothing distinct, only vague impressions and a lingering flutter to my pulse. "Was I having a nightmare?" I asked, voice thick with sleep.
He hummed an affirmative, cool fingers rubbing against my chest, soothing.
"Sorry," I mumbled, hoarse. At least I could breathe this time.
"Why would you be sorry?" Araxis blinked down at me with his fathomless eyes, his endless black stare, and he smiled. "You have not had a nightmare for some time, beloved. But I suppose there is a lot on your mind, hm?"
I blinked up at him, thoughts still hazy, shivering beneath his touch. There was a lot to think about: Vivith was back and we were going to meet with the Unbound again, and then –
Someone wanted to kill Araxis. Not someone, a creche. Others had agreed. Still more had to know. I'd thought – I'd hoped that I was through having to fear for his life. I didn't want to do that again.
I stared up at him as he continued to touch me gently. "Are you scared?" I asked. I thought it was possible that I was.
Because in bits and pieces, I could feel at some of the vague edges of my dreams. We'd been in the botanical gardens, and also at the gym.
Had Araxis been bleeding? Had I? I could remember shadows, deep and dark and terrifying; the groan of a loudspeaker; the roar of a crowd; the feel of gristle beneath my hands.
I shivered again, and this time it was unpleasant. Araxis made a soft, concerned sound, shifting his weight, brushing the backs of his fingers against my cheek. "I am not afraid, Sashen, no. You make me brave. You are, after all, much braver than I am: I only aspire to some of your strength."
Warmth blossomed beneath my ribs as I smiled up at him, the edges of sleep slipping away as I was drawn, more and more, to the present. "You should wake me up more. I like this."
He fluted out a short breath, amused, moving his hand up to my hair, where he threaded his fingers through my tousled waves, which were probably well on their way to being tangled.
"It is a shame either of us requires sleep," he admitted as I lost myself in the pleasant way he was carding his fingers through my hair, the way one of his legs had shifted to hitch over mine, his thigh nestling against my soft dick, which noticed that added pressure with some interest. "You could be free of your bad dreams, and we could have so many additional hours together without anyone attempting to fill them with meetings.
I do worry, sometimes, that our time together will become even more limited once we arrive in Xitera.
Already, Xitera intrudes. I wish only that I could have you all to myself. "
He said it, and I saw the regret flash across his features a second later.
He opened his mouth to correct himself, so instead I shifted my hips against him, reaching down to catch his waist as I hummed gently.
"I like it when you have me," I murmured.
"I like it when you remind me that I belong to you. "
His chest hitched with a shocked inhale.
Araxis shifted his weight, adjusting himself so that his leg was fully slotted between mine, so that my thigh was pressed against him as well.
Still he played with my hair, nibbling on his lower lip.
I could see that much, even though it was dark; it was like being around him made me so tuned in, so eager to see it all, that I'd unlocked a new level to my senses.
Like I wanted to know him so fully, to notice every tiny detail, that my body sharpened and improved, all for his sake.
He moved himself against me, thigh grinding against my thickening cock with purpose and intention. Then, hesitant despite the gleam in his eyes, the hunger I could feel crackling between us, "Is this – Is this alright, Sashen?"
Was it alright that he'd woken me up from a dream and wanted to fuck?
In what universe would that not be alright?
Besides, now that we weren't just inching closer to Xitera but Xitera was coming for us, maybe what he needed was a sure thing.
Maybe he needed to feel his power, to feel in control like he had when I'd had him in the meeting room. I could give that to him.
You're in charge, I'd told him last night when he'd needed to hear it, and while Inmadra had said that in charge didn't make sense with in bed, that was because she lacked imagination. Given that the rumours about the two of us centred on whether or not he had me in hand, I could only assume.
I could be a sure thing. I could be pliant for him. I could defer, and I knew how to do it in bed. He wanted me to belong to him, and I could.
My hands sought out his hips, fingers digging into the plush curve of his ass as I pulled him harder against me, encouraging his tentative motions.
"More than alright, better than nice," I said quietly, rocking against him a little.
"And I know I don't actually belong to you but we can pretend.
Sometimes," and I licked my lower lip, staring up at him and the hesitant expression on his features, ready to offer him whatever he wanted, "I like the idea of being commanded.
I like the idea of – deferring. Like when you said you'd take what you want from me. I like that, Araxis."
Araxis went still. I brushed my thumb against his forearm, palming the corded muscles there.
"Do you want that?" I murmured. "Do you want to –" I reached for the phrase in abayan, which I still didn't fully grasp although I knew it had something to do with the way sinnenthi were with virra, "exert control? "
A sharp, sudden exhale ghosted my skin, his breath cool. "I – Sashen, if you wish to defer – I would not ask –"
"I know you wouldn't ask," I said. "That's why I'm offering."
"Then, yes," he murmured, switching to his own language. "Yes, beloved, if you give yourself to me, I will tend to you in the way you desire." And then he dropped all pretense of conversation and, instead, set himself to having me in the way he wanted.
And maybe it was the day we'd had – the way Vivith had rattled his position and authority, or else knowing he was such a threat that the Concord was coming for him, or how close we were getting to our departure from Sozamia and arrival in Xitera; maybe it was everything and nothing at all – but I realized, distantly, that the way Araxis was tending to me was – intense, even for us.
The teasing was gone, the wry little smile, and instead he was dedicated only to the delicious tension between us: his mouth was commanding against mine, and he shifted his weight so that he wasn't just pressing between my thighs but was holding me in place.
He wasn't any heavier than I was, and I was strong on my own, but the way he was able to pin me hard into the mattress made something twist inside of me.
I wasn't sure if it was pleasure or alarm.
Maybe it was both. Was it weird that it was both?
It felt like my body was sinking into the mattress under his weight, his mouth hot and eager against mine, his teeth sharp and catching on my lower lip and my tongue as he devoured my mouth.
My hips rocked up against his hard body, my cock covered by only a thin layer of fabric that already felt sticky and damp.
One of his hands shifted, thumb digging hard into the caldathess; that bright burst of pain and pleasure made me grind harder against him, but he was as immovable as a mountain. A weight bearing down on me.
And then that same hand shifted, curling gently around the column of my throat, and I wasn't sure I liked that at all, an edge of panic rising within me like a wave.
I shifted, an embarrassing little whine sounding in my throat, and it was that sound – maybe because it was so similar to an abayan subvocal of distress – that made Araxis pull back, his dark eyes hovering just above mine as my skin throbbed, tight all over.
"I – Did I misunderstand –" His hand moved away. He went to push himself up.
"I – No, it's –" My hands caught his hips, refusing to let him leverage himself away from me, and I was hot all over and embarrassed and also painfully aroused, my cock hard and throbbing under the weight of his body.
"I used to be able to be choked, but – I don't think I can any more.
Maybe we can try, though, if you'd like that.
I can – Yeah, I think I could try." If I said it out loud, it had to be true.
I wanted to be that for him. I wanted him to have everything he wanted.
Araxis stared down at me, the black of his eyes vanishing in a flash of white as he blinked.
"Oh," he breathed. "Oh, beloved, no. Here, let me show you.
" He took one of my hands and pressed it to his throat, and he must have felt the uncertain tremble in my fingers because he added in the softest, gentlest tone, "It's alright.
You won't hurt me. Just rest your hand against my skin. Feel."
My heart was pounding hard against my ribs, my hand pressed to the long stretch of his throat, his hand on my wrist keeping it there. And beneath my palm, I felt a gentle thrumming, a buzzing rumble.