29. Jonathan #2
“I plead the fifth,” I quipped. I unbolted the door with a long exhale.
Julie and Andy continued to laugh. “I’ll make sure to bake Lina those double chocolate chip cookies you like.”
I glared at them as I stepped out of their home and into the cold darkness again. “Make sure it’s dark chocolate. With sea salt on top.”
“Exactly how you like it, I know! But you could also thank me for being so considerate,” Julie called after me.
I huffed, looking back into the home my sister had built with my brother-in-law.
Their residence was covered in soft shades of cream, green, brown, and life.
Happiness sparked across my body, warming me down to the soul.
Tears sprang in my eyes one second, and were gone in the next with a quick and sweeping blink.
My older sister had never looked so grown up and like an adult until now—in the arms of her husband with her growing pregnant belly.
This was how our lives looked twenty-two years after our dad passed away. Still smiling. Still happy. Always missing him, but still living life as much as we could.
“Thank you,” I said. My sister’s eyes widened in surprise, clearly not expecting my gratitude. “Make sure to lock the door. Good night, you two.”
I closed the door behind me and made my way through the lined rows of townhouses to get to Lina’s. My mind was brewing with various thoughts: my mom with her newfound partner, when I should tell her I knew she was dating again. And then, my brain darted to Lina.
God, Lina.
A rush of guilt surged through me. I ran off to Julie and Andy’s, more focused on my family than having dinner with her as we’d originally planned.
A numbing sensation traveled from my fingers down to my toes from the cold.
I ruined our night. Regret loomed over me in a thick haze when my girlfriend opened the door for me.
She was trying not to frown. “Is everything alright?” Her voice was gentle.
I sighed, leaning into her and resting my head on her shoulder. She quickly wrapped her arms around me. “Yeah,” I mumbled.
“You don’t look alright.” Her words were muffled by my thick shoulder.
I inhaled the scent of the soft floral shampoo from her damp hair. “No, I’m . . . fine, and I’m sorry. Have you eaten?”
“No, I was waiting for you.”
I pulled away from our hug, blowing out a long breath. “Why did you do that? You should’ve just eaten without me.”
Lina frowned. Her lips looked pouty and kissable. “Why not? We’re supposed to have dinner together.”
My chest ached. “Yeah, and I didn’t follow through. I’m sorry, Lina.”
I reached out to brush my thumb against the tops of her cheeks; she leaned into my touch. She sighed, nuzzling into me. “You trust me, right?” she stated.
“Of course. Always.”
She kissed my palm, making my heart hurt more than before. “You said you’re fine, but you don’t look or sound fine, Jonathan. What’s wrong? You can tell me.”
I swallowed hard, unsure whether I should unload my family problems onto Lina. No family is perfect, not even mine. And with her family’s own problems, was it fair?
Would I be unloading too much on her? Did I care too much? About Mom? About Julie?
Her dark eyes looked at me, big and warm, quietly telling me she was here with me. She squeezed her smaller hand over mine to give me the strength to speak. Despite the guilt building up in me, I took it.
“It’s . . . my mom,” I finally answered.
“What?” Lina’s voice was exasperated.
I withdrew from her touch. “I found out my mom’s dating again—” I breathed, shakily. Then, it all came out without any hesitation: “That’s why I went over to Julie and Andy’s place. I needed to know if my sister knew, and I needed to make sense of my emotions. It’s stupid, I know.”
Tears clouded my vision for a moment, blurring her and the look on her face; her wide eyes and her parted, full lips. Perhaps it was for the better that I couldn’t fully see her as the regret continued to grow from the deepest depths of my chest.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “I shouldn’t have just left like that. I know we made plans, and I just deserted you to take care of my own problems.”
Lina’s gentle hand on my chest soothed the heaves tumbling out of me. When I blinked, I could finally see the way her big eyes glistened. Light from her living room lamp caught them in a sad sparkle.
“Jonathan, you don’t have to keep apologizing to me, and what you’re feeling isn’t stupid,” she said softly. “I know how much you love your mom and sister. If anything, I’m sorry I wasn’t reliable enough for you to trust me with what’s wrong.”
“It’s not that, Lina.” I took her hand in mine and kissed each fingertip slowly. “No. I just didn’t want to burden you with my family’s issues.”
“You don’t think that’s how I felt when you found out my brother’s been—” Her voice began to crack with emotion as her expression crumbled, tears budding around her eyes. “Stalking and harassing me. You don’t think that’s how I felt when you offered to help me?”
For a long time, we simply looked into the dark depths of each other’s eyes.
There, we discovered the pain we carried from being too much or never enough, the fear of burdening others, and the warmth of empathy and compassion.
If there were anyone who could understand me the most, it would be Lina Lee.
She’d seen the best and the absolute fucking worst of me—now, at my most vulnerable—the same way I’d seen her in her most raw, exposed, and entirely unguarded state. The true Lina Lee.
“I’m sorry,” I said, cupping her face with both my hands.
Tears fell down her cheeks as she sighed. “Why are you apologizing again? Jonathan, it’s okay. We’re okay.”
I pulled her face into mine, my lips ghosting over hers. “I know, I know. But I’m sorry for thinking I was too much for you.”
“You and I are more alike than you think,” she breathed.
I nuzzled my nose across her cheekbone to her ear as she pulled me closer with a tug on my shirt. I kissed her temple softly. She shuddered against my firm body.
“Fire and fire. Burning with the desire to win—and yet, always making certain to contain ourselves into the molds we’d forge ourselves into. We are one and the same,” I murmured.
Her hold on my shirt tightened. “Kiss me.”
I did as she demanded, biting and sucking my way through her mouth, until we toppled onto her soft bed.
How we got there was beyond me. All I could see was her clear, bright eyes as she looked up at me.
Her hair splayed against her sheets in this sensual, messy manner.
Her cheeks tinged pink, and her lips were red from my ministrations.
She stated firmly, “I’m ready, Jonathan. I want to know what happens when fire and fire merge and become one. Show me. Teach me, Professor Lo.”