Chapter 40
Gayelette sat with impeccable posture, her chin held high but not jutting forward, and her head tilted ever so slightly. Across from her, Alice’s palms grew clammy as she stared at the chessboard, where the queen’s polished ruby pieces faced off against the white marble set assigned to Alice.
“I believe in being forthright,” the queen said.
“So, during this game, I aim to get to the heart of the subject, and you are the subject. How you play and how you answer will tell me all I need to know.” The queen spoke not in a threatening manner, but as a fortune teller would.
It was clear she had a gift. Alice was unsure exactly what it was, but knew it was to aid in the investigation of Alice’s heart.
“I dreamt once, of something that resembled this scenario,” she said.
“Then the outcome that was foretold shall now be tested,” the queen said with a smile. Alice hoped not; she very much wished not to play the pawn. So, this was a test? “Please, begin,” the queen instructed Alice.
And so, the game began, with Alice making the first move by sliding her marble e2 pawn forward to e4. The queen responded by moving her own pawn up two spaces. Alice looked up, meeting the queen’s eyes. “Who are you?” the queen asked.
“I am Alice Liddell,” she replied, afraid to break eye contact.
“No. The essence of who you are. What is in your heart?”
Alice searched her mind, though the queen’s question was clouded by her own. Rosemarie had sent her here. Why here? How was she ever going to find the witch Tattypoo? Or Wendy? How was she ever going to understand why she herself was being hunted?
Gayelette tipped her head with a gentle clearing of her throat. Alice smiled tightly, sat up taller, and squared her shoulders. The only way out was through. “If I were to answer honestly, I would say that if I gave you an answer, I’d likely not believe it to be true.” Alice shifted in her seat.
The queen raised an eyebrow. “Explain, please.”
“I was quite sure of who I was for a time. When I was younger, as a younger person does, I suppose. There are times now, where I doubt almost everything about who I am.”
“I see. And what causes this doubt?”
“I suppose, when you are told you are delusional…” Alice trailed off, not wanting to discuss such personal matters with a queen.
“Your move, please.” The queen gestured back to the board.
Alice studied it, then made the choice to develop her pieces—the marble knight glided from g1 to f3.
“I do not believe that answer,” Gayelette said.
Alice’s heart sank, for she had been honest. “I do not sense that you’re the kind of person who can be easily swayed by someone challenging you, particularly on a matter such as delusion,” Gayelette remarked pointedly as she moved her knight toward Alice.
Royalty or not, Alice wasn’t thrilled with the assumptive dismissal of her honest answer. “I think it may be easy to think that, as you are someone who cannot, or would not, be challenged.” Alice brought her bishop out, putting pressure on the queen’s f7 pawn.
“There,” Gayelette said as she slowly glided her bishop to defend her threatened pawn.
“Where?” Alice asked, looking at the board.
“The board is not to what I refer. Your response was barbed, for I dared to challenge you. I made it clear that I did not believe you, and you chose to challenge me instead of doubting yourself.”
Alice’s breath quickened. Had Gayelette decided she did not like what was in Alice’s heart now?
Gayelette nodded to the board. Alice made her move, castling her king to the safety of the kingside, but this would not offer Alice the same safety from Gayelette’s inquiry, who promptly secured her own king by castling queenside before activating her rook.
“I do not wish to lead you around in circles. Let me be precise,” she said as she leaned back.
“If you were to answer honestly, you would admit that you know exactly who you are, but that you have submitted to those that challenge you. My guess is it easier for you to submit to someone who is likely less intelligent than you, as it is futile to argue with someone who lacks intelligence, isn’t it? ”
“I suppose that is not untrue,” Alice passively agreed, though she was growing confused regarding to what she was agreeing. Her thoughts turned to the queen’s weakened black pawn on f7. Perhaps her mind was distracting itself, but Alice, unprompted, took her turn, by bringing out her queen.
The Ruby Queen swiftly played h6, preventing any future knight jumps. “What would you say are your finest attributes?” she asked then.
“I can remember things with quite vivid clarity: books, events, figures, and such.” Alice played d4, attempting to gain space and open lines for her pieces, though she knew the queen would advance on her pawn.
“Why?” Gayelette pressed, while, as predicted, her pawn attacked Alice’s queen.
“I do not know why. It has always come quite easily.” Alice picked up her queen and set it upon e2, shielding it from further threats.
The Ruby Queen then pressured Alice’s pawn further with her carved ruby queen figurine. “Gifts, Alice, have a purpose. What is the purpose of having that gift if not applied?”
“I suppose I have not thought of it as a gift, nor have I found its purpose,” Alice admitted, though she wasn’t focused on finding its purpose but on Gayelette’s bishop. Alice moved her knight to e5.
Gayelette nodded. “Would you say that you are morally good?” she asked and captured Alice’s knight with her bishop. A sacrifice made for a pawn to open up for her rook.
Drat! Alice thought. She hadn’t even seen the knight was exposed.
“In ways I am good, but my actions can be brash, and the effects can sometimes be harmful to others.” Alice shook off a thought of Wendy’s lash-welted arms and reclaimed the bishop with her queen, creating a fork on the Ruby Queen’s rook and bishop.
“Did you harm others intentionally?” The Ruby Queen moved her bishop to d5, attacking Alice’s queen.
Alice moved her queen to g3, defending the f2 pawn, which opened the queen’s pawn for attack.
Alice then stopped, satisfied with the play, and sat for a moment thinking over the question. Thinking specifically of Wendy.
“No, not intentionally,” Alice answered. Wendy’s assurance that Alice had not been the one holding the switch echoed in her mind.
The Ruby Queen nodded, sliding her rook to c8, pressuring Alice’s c2 pawn. “But harm came to them?”
“Yes,” Alice confirmed, though she wished they’d move on from the subject, as she sent her pawn to c3. The Ruby Queen advanced her f7 pawn to f6, reinforcing her pawn structure.
“Does a storm cause harm, Alice?” she asked coolly.
“It can, yes.”
“Does a storm not also replenish the land?” Alice sat for a moment. Was she as destructive as a storm, as blind and aimless?
The queen took advantage of the silence.
“I sense that you hold the weight of guilt when others suffer at someone else’s hand.
Yet, you may be averse to your true responsibility when you are at fault, which is rare, but it is unavoidable.
Your empathy is the reason you assume blame when you are not the responsible party.
Your stubbornness is why you do not see your own fault. ”
Alice should have confirmed the queen’s assessment, but she was swimming in embarrassment over its accuracy.
She cast her eyes down and countered Gayelette by placing her rook on d3 to intensify pressure on the vulnerable d6 pawn, putting Gayelette’s queen in danger.
Did everyone who entered her court garner this level of investigation?
Gayelette went on. “Control, order, balance. Are these words you identify with?”
“Yes,” Alice confirmed. Though she often felt distant from them: out of control, in disorder, and off balance.
“Does wrongdoing have a price?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Does right doing have a price?” the queen said, tilting her chin.
“Yes.” Alice thought how true the sentiment was.
“Is someone who is just someone who is also good?” The queen’s voice was soft as she studied Alice, who kept her eyes on the stalled board.
“Yes, in a manner of speaking.”
“Even if they apprehend wrongdoers?”
“Yes,” Alice confirmed. Certainly, she thought, Nimmie was just and fair, and was willing to apprehend Alice.
The Ruby Queen moved her rook to d8, defending the pawn and preparing for a potential counterattack on Alice’s queen. “Alice, are you good?” she asked, with a piercing gaze.
“Yes,” Alice answered, without hesitation.
“Wonderful!” The queen clapped, breaking Alice’s focus on the board.
“Let us try to be honest the first time you answer, shall we?” The queen smiled.
Alice felt as though she had been tricked in some way, but truth be told, the answer had come with certainty only after the exposition.
The queen went on. “You know that you are good, but you also know that you can cause destruction to yourself or others, unintentionally. You see, destruction can and will come from both ill and good intentions. It is inevitable. Do you accept this?”
Alice nodded, and truly, she did.
“Alice, are you beautiful?” Queen Gayelette asked bluntly. “Honesty, please.”
“Yes,” Alice admitted, though she thought only of that horrible princess Languidere, her cheeks flushing slightly.
Alice avoided the queen’s eyes once more, focusing on moving her own queen to e4, preparing for a potential trade.
“Not as beautiful as you, Your Majesty.” The board now held them at a stalemate.
“Would you say you would want power—let’s say, the power to know things, to affect things for the good—if you could?” the queen asked. Alice nodded. There was no question.
“Why would you deserve that power?” The queen awaited Alice’s answer as though she knew, or hoped, Alice would answer it correctly.
“Because…” Alice thought for just a moment, and then the answer came as if by design. “I deserve that power because I am good and just.”