Chapter 29 #3
“Like what?” I’m curious about what she will tell me.
Throughout high school, my feelings for Hannah had steadily grown.
Though I dated regularly, it killed me to see her doing the same.
I’m not ashamed to say I may have sabotaged more than one of her dates.
I was a total hypocrite and extremely jealous.
I wanted to be the one who held her hand at the movies and kissed her at the door at the end of the date.
I thought I was firmly in the friend zone until the summer before we left for school.
I remember feeling things beginning to shift.
Hugs lingered a little longer. She watched me when she didn’t think I was looking. Joking around became a little dirtier.
“Remember when you tried to teach me how to play guitar? I see that you still play.” She nods towards the acoustic guitar leaning against the wall.
“I thought you did well. Do you still play?”
Chuckling, she shakes her head. “No, I never made it past the Seven Nation Army stage of lessons.”
“Do you remember trying to teach me how to bake a cake? That was a disaster.” We laugh remembering how we were so proud of the cake we baked and painstakingly decorated, only to cut into it and the centre was a gooey mess.
“We mastered chocolate chip cookies, but that cake was awful,” she giggles.
For the next hour we reminisce over our shared memories beside each other on the couch.
Just sitting together comfortably, talking like no time has passed.
At some point, we drifted closer to each other, and she began tracing her finger along the lines of a tattoo on my forearm.
I don’t think she even notices she’s doing it, and I don’t dare move as not to break the spell.
I can’t imagine how I could have missed out on simple moments like this.
“One of my biggest accomplishments that summer was finally cliff jumping at Pikes Peak. Throwing myself off a cliff into deep water never sounded like a good time, but I had major FOMO. You helped me be brave.”
All our friends had been jumping from the cliff for years, but Hannah never wanted to try until that summer.
I insisted she wear a one-piece bathing suit because I didn’t want her to lose her bikini top in front of our friends when she plunged into the water.
However, if we were alone that would have been a different story.
“You were always brave, one of the bravest people I know. You just needed someone to hold your hand while you jumped.”
“I’m not feeling very brave right now,” she hangs her head and whispers.
I gently place two fingers under her chin and raise it so I can look into her eyes. “Talk to me. Tell me what you are thinking about.”
“I don’t know if I should make space for you in my life again, Logan,” she whispers her confession.
“What can I do? I will take your friendship, but you need to know I want more.” Reaching for her hand, I thread our fingers together. I know I shouldn’t be holding her hand, sitting this close and longing for things I can’t have.
“I don’t need you, Logan; I have been managing just find without you. I’m happy. I’ve been happy for a long time. If I decide to do this, it’s because I want to.” Her fingers tighten around mine and her thumb sweeps back and forth over my knuckles.
“You are all I ever wanted, Hannah. Time and distance didn’t change that. If anything, it made my feelings for you stronger. Sometimes you just have to jump, baby.”
Her green eyes water before she whispers, “If I was all you ever wanted you would have never let me go.” Squeezing my hand, she continues, “Our breakup is so enmeshed with my dad dying. My mom’s mental health got so much worse after you were gone.
There are things you don’t know. Things that nobody does.
I know it was a lifetime ago, but I don’t like remembering any of it. Please give me some more time.”
“I promise I’ll still be here when you are ready. I’ll wait as long as it takes.” There are so many things that I want to tell her. Things we need to talk about, but I understand why this is difficult for her. I need to follow her lead, and, in this moment, I will gladly follow her anywhere.
“It’s getting late, I really should get going. Thank you for dinner.” Standing, she releases my hand and straightens her sweater before walking out of the room.
Rising from the couch, I trail behind her into the kitchen. I don’t want her to leave yet. I love talking to her – even the tough stuff.
“I would love to see you again.” I would make time to see her every single day if she would let me.
“I would like that too.” She hesitates when she reaches the centre of the room. Slowly, she spins to face me, rises on her toes, and loops her arms around my neck.
“This is such a bad idea,” she murmurs as she pulls me closer. Her eyes flick up to my mouth, and I barely have time to process what’s happening before she grabs my face and kisses me. It’s not soft or hesitant. It’s entirely hunger and heat.
For a split second, shock holds me in place.
My mind and body catch up at the same time and I groan into her mouth.
My cock becomes instantly hard and presses uncomfortably against the zipper of my jeans.
My hands slip around her back, and my fingers dig in like I’m afraid she will pull away.
She deepens the kiss, practically stealing the oxygen from my lungs, as her hands thread through my hair.
There is no coming back from this.
She tastes sweet like the sugar from our dessert and hope for the future. Her nails rake along my scalp towards the back of my neck. I can’t help but deepen the kiss further. It’s messy and desperate like we are making up for all the time we spent apart.
As quickly as it began, it’s over. Exhaling shakily, her hand falls to my chest before she steps back, putting some space between us. Her hazy green eyes meet mine and with one hand she touches her swollen lips.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” she says softly. “I really need to go.”
I watch her retreat towards the entry with the taste of her still on my lips.
I follow her to the door with my pulse still hammering.
After she slips on her boots and grabs her bag, she pauses for a moment with her fingers curled around the doorknob.
I desperately want her to stay, but I will give her the space she needs. For now.
Looking back, she meets my eyes and says, “Don’t throw me away, Logan, I can’t hurt like that ever again.”
Turning, she pulls open the door and steps out into the cool evening air. She stands unmoving like she’s debating whether she wants to stay or go. Then, without another word, she jogs down the stairs, leaving nothing but silence behind her.