Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
I can’t believe I kissed him; what was I thinking? I don’t want to send him mixed messages, but he feels like coming home after a long vacation. Everything with him is comfortable.
Maybe a little too comfortable: “I hope you kept it wrapped up.” I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe I said that. We just fell back into easy banter and friendship like no time had passed at all. But can I trust him with my heart again? Do I want to? I don’t know. Maybe.
Earlier in the week, I sent out an open invitation for the girls to come over and hang out today, and they have all just arrived.
The forecast predicted sunshine, and it delivered.
The water on the lake shimmers under the sun and the breeze feels warm on my skin.
Everyone has found their way out to the deck for a few hours of rest and relaxation.
It is also an excellent opportunity to talk this situation out with my girlfriends.
“I’m glad to see you.” I hug and release Meg. “I wasn’t sure if you would be able to make it, since Jeff is home this weekend.”
“He is, but he decided to go golfing with some work friends or clients. I don’t know, he didn’t really say.” Rolling her eyes, she hugs both Beck and Claire.
“Do you have any plans together for the rest of the weekend?”
“Who knows, I’m just a side character in his life,” she says with a heavy sigh.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry.”
I’d throat-punch Jeff if I thought it would help. Meg has always been beautiful but lately her fair skin looks washed out. The dark circles under her eyes say more than she ever does out loud.
“It’s fine. I’m fine.” She waves us all away as she sits down in a red Adirondack chair.
“I do have some interesting village gossip, though. Someone popped into the bookstore this week and wanted to know if I had heard anything about a well-known romance author with a cottage in the area. She didn’t know any other details. ”
“Interesting. I wonder who it is?” Beck asks as she hands out the drinks she picked up from Maggie’s on her way here. Lots of famous people cottage in the area, it could be anyone really.
“If we find out it would be fun to organize a book signing it our little town. It would be great for tourism.” As much as we welcome a break from the busy summer season, we all know visitors to the area help our community prosper.
“It’s probably just a rumor.” Claire shrugs. “I don’t believe anything anymore, unless I see or hear it first-hand.
“I have no idea, but I’ll be paying closer attention now.” Meg has been picking up more hours at Books and Baubles lately. She says she enjoys being out in the community instead of always sitting at home, waiting for Jeff.
“I thought you were bringing Ben with you. I miss my little dude,” Beck says to Claire. She’ smitten with Claire’s son and tries to spend as much time with him as possible.
“I planned on it, but Ransom texted Riot to see if he could FaceTime Ben this morning. I guess his internet has been spotty lately, so he wanted to talk to him before he loses a stable connection again,” Claire explains while taking a sip of her coffee.
“Is this a new development? You’ve never mentioned them FaceTiming before.” Meg inquires wrapping her hands around her hot tea.
“Just the past few weeks. I didn’t want to say anything in case it didn’t happen. Ben is getting bigger and has been talking a lot about having a daddy since he started kindergarten. He knows he has a dad and who he is, but it’s never been important before now.
I talked to Riot about it, and he suggested this as an option.”
“But why did Ransom call Riot and not you?” Beck asks, furrowing her forehead.
“All our contact is through email right now; it’s better that way. Riot volunteered to be our middleman for this.”
“Did something happen?” I ask. Riot may have volunteered, but I wonder, at what cost to himself.
“No, just my own issues with Ransom. I know I shouldn’t, but I regularly check out his page on social media to see where he is in the world and what he’s doing. Inevitably I get angry, and I don’t want to project that on Ben. That wouldn’t be fair.”
“But you are okay with them FaceTiming?” I would hate to think Claire would be pressured into doing anything she didn’t want to do.
Ransom signed off all his rights to Ben after he was born.
He sends money for child support, but all Ben’s care is solely Claire’s responsibility. And if I’m honest, Uncle Riot’s too.
She shrugs. “He’s still Ben’s dad. I would love them to have some kind of relationship, and if he is consistent and calls when he says he’s going to, it will be fine. The first time he fucks up and disappoints Ben, will be the last time.”
“Since nobody else has brought it up, I guess I’ll be the one who asks. How was dinner with Logan last night?” Beck wiggles her eyebrows at me.
All eyes turn towards me, waiting for answer. “It was good,” I say with a shrug. “He has become an amazing cook. He made...”
“Babe, we don’t care about what he made you for dinner. Did you guys talk?” Beck leans forward and rests her chin in her palm.
“We talked a little. We shared some memories. It was a lot of fun and then I may have kissed him right before I walked out the door.”
“Seriously, we have been hanging out here on the deck for the past 30 minutes and you are just telling us now that you kissed him? Next time, lead with that. Or better yet we should have been notified immediately in the group chat.” Claire throws her hands in the air with exasperation.
“It’s not that big of a deal. I kissed him, panicked, and ran away like the fraidy-cat I am.”
“Oh no, why did you panic? Was the kiss horrible?” Meg asks scrunching up her nose.
“God no. I forgot what an amazing kisser he is,” I say, touching my bottom lip.
“Don’t hold anything back. We need to know everything about this kiss,” Beck insists, leaning forward and giving me her full attention.
“It was – fuck, I don’t even know how to explain it,” I say, cheeks flushing.
“You know when you do something so completely reckless and for a second you think, oh shit what have I done? But it’s so good you’re not sure if you even care?
I know I shocked him, and it was that exact moment he stopped holding back and he kissed me.
It was hungry and desperate, like he was starving for it.
His hands were everywhere. On my waist, hips, up my back.
I’m honestly surprised I don’t have bruises from his fingertips”
“Holy fuck that’s hot!” Claire exclaims, fanning her face.
I laugh at the memory, but it makes my chest ache.
“Yeah, it was,” I sigh, running my fingers along the rim of my coffee cup. “And then I left.”
“What? Why?” Beck groans, looking towards the sky. “I’d stay for the plot.”
Shrugging, I force a small smile. “Because if I stayed, I wouldn’t have left at all. I am prepared to be friends with him, I’m just not sure that being more is a great idea right now.”
“What if we did a pros and cons list?” Beck suggests, shrugging her shoulder.
“Pros and cons?” I repeat, narrowing my eyes at my friend.
“Yeah. Like what you like and dislike about Logan. Or why you should or should not stay next time you kiss him.” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
“What, are we 13?” Claire laughs, shaking her head.
“Come on, it always helps me get some clarity and make decisions when I write things down.”
Sighing, I agree, “Okay, it’s worth a try, I guess.”
Claire opens her backpack, pulls out a pad of construction paper and some washable markers and hands them to Beck.
That bag is magic, I tell you; I wonder what else she has hidden in there.
Beck sits cross legged on the deck and proceeds to draw columns with bold black line and writes Pro and Con across the top underlining it twice with flourish.
“Green for pro, red for con, and I guess we will use yellow for maybe, just like stop lights.” She laughs, waving the markers in her hand over her head. “I’ll go first.” She writes amazing artist in the pro column. “He’s very talented. He’s already making a name for himself at the studio.”
“He’s objectively a horrible dancer. We have video evidence.” Claire laughs as she imitates him from her seat. Beck switches to the red marker and adds it to the con column.
“He has a great shoe collection. I don’t think he has worn the same ones twice since I’ve met him. I’m kind of jealous to be honest.” Beck writes it down. Me too, I like shoes.
“He’s friendly, and a great dog dad. I see him in town walking Morgan and he’s always stopping to talk to people,” Meg adds, nodding at the growing list.
“You said he can cook.” Beck points a green marker at me.
“He can definitely cook, I was impressed,” I confirm as Beck adds it to the list.
“He’s really hot.” We all look at Meg in various degrees of surprise. “What? I’m married, not dead,” she says rolling her eyes.
“He’s the entire package. Tall, dark, and handsome with tattoos to die for,” I agree. And an amazing kisser, I mentally add to the pro column.
“He looks like he takes care of himself. Fit men have more stamina.” Claire winks.
“I’m surprised you can think of a pro,” I muse, raising my eyebrows.
Claire rolls her eyes. “I’m jaded, but I appreciate a sculpted body. But seriously, I don’t hate him, I hate what he did to you. Whatever you decide to do I will support you 100%.”
“I know, I appreciate you.” Reaching over, I squeeze her hand.
“You have a lot of history together,” Meg murmurs, twisting her wedding band.
“Is that a pro or a con?” Beck questions, looking between us.
“Could be both I guess,” I say quietly.
“What are your pros and cons, Hannah? This is your list,” Claire asks.
I think for a moment. “He smells really good. He always smelled good, but the sandalwood cologne he uses now is next level. I always thought it was strange when authors describe the scent of a man, but I get it now.”
“What else?” Meg encourages tilting her head.
“One of my favourite things about Logan is that he listens. When I talk to him it’s like I am the only person in the room.”
“Give me more,” Beck urges as she writes “listens” with an exclamation on the pro side.
“He’s always been very thoughtful. He pays attention to small details and remembers them. And when we were younger, he could often predict my needs before I even knew what I needed.”
“That’s really sweet, Hannah.” Meg leans back in her chair and pulls her knees to her chest.
“He probably still knows you better than anyone else,” Claire points out. “I doubt time apart erased that.”
“Okay, when I say this it’s with the upmost respect because he is my coworker,” Beck puts the marker down and looks to each of us before saying, “but all that swagger implies he has a really big dick.”
“You are the absolute worst,” I say, burying my face in my hands, then peak through my fingers at my friends who have broken out into giggling schoolgirls.
“Well, now I need to know too,” Claire laughs, holding her stomach.
Blushing, I hold up my hands and measure about 8 inches, tilting my head to the side to gauge my accuracy. “Give or take.”
“Nice.” Catching her breath, Meg nods with appreciation.
I bury my face in my hands again as Beck picks back up the green marker and writes big dick in all caps in the pros section, underlining it three times for emphasis.
“Oh my god, don’t write that down.” I try to grab the paper, but she holds it out of reach, hiding it behind her back. It takes a moment for us all to regain our composure.
“Even bigger question is does he know how to use it?” Beck asks, raising her eyebrows. Claire chokes on her drink, and Meg reaches over and pats her on the back.
“Well, it’s been a very long time, but I never had any complaints in that department. I just assume he’s got better with age.” I chuckle biting my bottom lip. I can’t believe we are even talking about this.
“Must be nice.” We all look at Meg because now it’s her turn to cover her face, then she shakes her head in disbelief that she said that aloud. “Pretend you didn’t hear that,” she mumbles into her palms.
“My longest and best relationship has been with my vibrator. I love that guy.” Claire shrugs, taking another sip of her ice coffee.
“But seriously, if you are lucky enough to find someone who respects, encourages, and loves you, it’s worth trying again,” Meg says with a heavy sigh and a sad smile.
Beck looks at Meg and nods her head in agreement. “Or at least consider it.”
“Everyone keeps throwing around the word love. Why does anyone think he still loves me?” I ask my friends.
They all look at each other.
“Do I need to start another list?” Beck sits back up, ready to tear out another piece of paper.
“No more lists.” I shake my head emphatically.
“He’s always finding excuses to touch you. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how he touches your arm or back when you are talking,” Meg says.
That is true and he also kisses me on the cheek or forehead when he says goodbye. Something he always did when we were dating.
“I’ve seen the way he watches you like you are the only person in the room,” Claire adds.
Maybe? I know I’m always searching for him.
“Logan talks about you all the time. At work he finds ways to bring you up in conversation. He thinks he’s being sneaky, but I’m on to him and I still give him shit at least once daily.” Beck taps her temple with a red nail.
“The real question is are you scared that he loves you or are you afraid of loving him back?” Claire sits back in her chair and adjusts her sunglasses on her nose.
“I don’t know,” I confess. “My feelings are all over the place.”
“If we can all refer back to the minutes of our last book club meeting...” Beck flips through the stack of coloured paper, “I believe I asked if you would consider talking to him about the breakup to get some closure.”
“There are no minutes, you fool.” Claire bends to grab the paper back from Beck and smacks her on the shoulder with it.
“Maybe there should be. Meg, will you be the secretary?” Beck laughs. “But seriously, Hannah, I think you should really consider talking to him about it. How are you going to start fresh if you have unresolved issues from the past?”
“Since when did you become an expert on relationships?”
“Clearly, I’m no expert. Braden is proof of that. However, I’m not a stranger to therapy, and I can guarantee any good counsellor will say that healthy communication is important in every relationship.”
I pick up the abandoned pros and cons list and a red marker off the ground and write I’m afraid – he broke my heart. Looking up, I meet Beck’s understanding eyes as she smiles softly.
“Now you just have to decide if you are willing to let him help mend it.”