Chapter 10
TEN
CHLOE
Murder.
One word. Six letters.
Joyce had said enough for me to know there was something heartbreaking beneath the surface of Hawk’s temperament, but I never imagined this.
Like the single word was a blow to my body, I stumbled backward. Hawk had just dropped a massive bomb on me.
Murder. Murder.
This wasn’t right. It couldn’t be real. Especially not when I looked at him now and saw a vulnerability lingering there. A sadness. He almost looked physically ill.
There had to be something else happening here. Hawk wasn’t a murderer. I didn’t believe it. Not for one second. There was no way he’d taken a life.
And on what planet would a cold-blooded killer tell a woman who’s interested in him that she’d be better off without him in her life?
None of this made any sense.
It just couldn’t be true.
I remained silent for so long, simply trying to understand, to come up with some way to explain this and sort it out in my head, that Hawk was the one to break the silence.
“I… I just wanted you to know the truth. Everything that happened the day we had lunch together really was all about me knowing you deserve better.” He reached up and squeezed the back of his neck. “Anyway, now that you know, I’m going to go.”
Hawk’s gaze lingered on me for a few beats, devastation written over every feature, before he turned toward the exit. He’d barely taken two steps before I panicked and reached for him.
“No!” My fingers curled around his wrist and held tight. When his wide eyes met mine again, I begged, “Please don’t go. Can you… Will you stay?”
He seemed completely taken aback by my request. “You don’t want me to leave?”
I shook my head. “I’d like to know what happened, if you’d be willing to share.”
“Just about everybody knows. I’m surprised nobody has told you already.”
“They haven’t. And I’m glad for it, because I’d really like to hear the truth from you.”
My fingers were still wrapped around his wrist, and when he didn’t immediately respond, I stroked my thumb lightly across his skin.
Long moments passed, his eyes focused on my hand, my thumb.
He appeared to be entirely fixated on what I was doing to him, but considering he wasn’t walking away or yanking his arm out of my hold, I continued to do what I was doing.
And since he didn’t say otherwise, I told myself that my touch was offering him some comfort and reassurance.
Eventually, he lifted his gaze to meet mine. His voice was barely a whisper. “Are you sure you want to hear it?”
“I do.” My voice was firm, unwavering. I figured one of us needed to hold it together right now, and since he was struggling—rightfully so—I didn’t mind being the one to fulfill that role.
He’d already gone above and beyond for me today when he saved me from being attacked.
This was the least I could do for him in return.
“Would you like something to drink? We can sit down, if it’d help. ”
He considered my offer and ultimately shook his head. “No. I think I’d prefer to stand. I’ve never told anyone about this; people just know what happened and never need to ask. So, I don’t know how well this is going to go. But you can sit. You probably should sit.”
I’d do whatever he wanted. “Would you prefer it if I sat down?”
“I think so.”
After offering him a reassuring smile, I released his hand and sat in one of the chairs.
Once I’d done that, Hawk shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at his feet.
I gave him the time he needed to prepare himself to share this.
Even I was nervous, and I didn’t know what he was going to say.
I could only imagine what he must’ve been feeling.
Finally, he said, “I’ve been looking out for my sister for as long as I can remember.
Danica and I had always been close, and from the time we were kids, we were inseparable.
We had no other choice because we were all we had.
Our parents were… They were addicts. And they were awful to us.
But despite how terrible they were, Danica and I scraped by and did okay for ourselves. It wasn’t easy, but we managed.”
My heart was already breaking, and I realized he’d only just started. No doubt the worst was yet to come.
Hawk shifted on his feet. “When I was nineteen and Danica had just turned fifteen, our parents died. They both OD’d, and I couldn’t muster up an ounce of grief over their deaths.
They weren’t good people. Not at all. And I did what was needed to become my sister’s legal guardian.
No way was I going to let her get lost to a system. ”
He was nineteen. Just a kid himself. Hawk had grown up entirely too fast and made such a tremendous sacrifice for his sister.
“For the next couple of years, things were great. We had each other. Our parents were out of the picture, and we were both focused on building better lives for ourselves. While Danica finished high school, I worked my tail off to support us. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but it was worth it.”
I smiled at him, hoping he felt a sense of pride for what he’d done for himself and his sister. His life hadn’t been easy by any means. All he’d ever known was struggle. I wondered where it all went wrong for him.
“Danica graduated from high school, got a job, and signed up for classes at the community college the following year. I was twenty-two at that point, and she was eighteen. Just before the start of her spring semester, it happened. I’d gotten off work and was ready to go out one night.
My sister told me she was going to have a couple of friends from school over that evening to study. ”
Hawk grew visibly uncomfortable. He leaned his back against the wall, pulled one hand out of his pocket, and raked his fingers through his hair. It was like he was recalling whatever horrible incident he’d lived through.
Suddenly, a thought hit me. Had he been out drinking that night? Did he drive drunk and get into an accident? Is that what he meant when he said he’d murdered someone?
I was so anxious, waiting to hear his story, that all I could do was fidget with my hands in my lap.
“I stayed out a little bit later than I’d anticipated,” he shared. “I never should’ve gone out at all, though.”
The tone of his voice had changed. It was laced with regret, and I wondered if I’d put some awful burden on him by asking him to relive this.
Just as I was about to tell him he didn’t have to continue, he said, “I got home and found that the friends my sister had over had all left. Except for one. A guy who didn’t even go to her school, but knew some of the other kids in her class, had joined them.
And when I walked into our place that night, that twenty-year-old had torn my sister’s clothes from her body and was in the process of violating her as she tried to fight him off. ”
My hand flew to my mouth, the tips of my fingers covering my lips. “Oh my God,” I whispered.
Hawk couldn’t even bring himself to look at me as he shook his head.
“I lost it. Something else took over inside me as I yanked him off her body and took my fists to him. There was nothing he could do to fight me off, to stop that rage. And my sister… God, my sister had already been brutalized enough, but she had to watch that. She witnessed her brother beating the life out of a man.”
A chill ran down my spine, and I swore I could feel my heart breaking into pieces at the sight of Hawk recalling what had happened. He was tormented by this.
“It’s gory beyond that. I won’t terrify you with those details, but to make a long, gruesome story short, I was convicted and sentenced.
And as I mentioned earlier, I spent ten years in prison, and I’ve only been out for about two years now.
” He finally tipped his chin up and brought his eyes to meet mine.
“Now you understand why you’re better off without me in your life. ”
This man.
This beautiful man had lost so much—his childhood and an entire decade of his life—and all I wanted to do was give him back everything I could to lessen the pain of what he’d been through.
I understood why he thought I might not want him around me, but he was wrong. What happened was a tragic and unfortunate event. It was awful for everyone involved. And while it was, to some degree, distressing that a man had died, I believed Hawk did the honorable thing.
“You’re not a bad man, Hawk.”
Some tension appeared to ease out of his shoulders. “I appreciate you saying that.”
I rose from my seat, crossed the room, and came to a stop just inches in front of him. “I’m not afraid of you, and I don’t believe that I’m better off without you in my life.”
He released a long breath and bowed his head.
Wanting to prove my point to him, I placed my palm on his chest. But no sooner had it landed there, Hawk flinched. I’d sensed him tense every time before today when I’d brushed his arm or rested my fingertips on him. It was like he was being burned by my touch.
“What is it?” I asked.
“What is what?”
“Every time I touch you, I can’t help noticing the way you tense up and almost recoil.”
His eyes dropped to my hand still resting on his chest and took it in before he replied, “I had ten years of nobody touching me, followed by two years of nearly everybody avoiding me. I only have my sister and her family now. That’s all I allow.”
Immediately, I pulled my hand away.
My mind drifted back to the conversation I’d had with Joyce right after I’d first been introduced to Hawk. She’d mentioned how he kept himself to himself, and now it made sense. He’d gone for years without it and was now overwhelmed by casual physical touch.
Searching his face, I asked, “Does it… bother you? When I touch you?”
Hawk’s eyes appeared a tad brighter. “No. It just catches me off guard. Most people don’t want to associate with someone like me, so casual contact and affection isn’t something I’m used to.”
My chest ached. When was the last time Hawk felt like he mattered to anyone besides his sister? When was the last time someone other than her had hugged him?
I couldn’t imagine how lonely he must’ve felt.
Feeling bold, I closed the remaining distance between us, slid my arms around his waist, and pressed my cheek against his chest as I hugged him.
Hawk stood motionless for several seconds, but I just held on.
And finally, finally, his arms came around me.
Hawk squeezed me like I was some prized possession he was afraid he might lose.
Like he’d been missing me for years, found me, and never wanted to let me go.
Inhaling his scent, I squeezed him tighter, feeling the best I had in weeks. And when one of his hands came up to cup the back of my head, I was certain we were on our way to rebuilding something between us.
But then it happened.
It was as though he’d given himself just a moment to soak up the warmth of a comforting embrace before he clammed up again.
He tugged lightly on my hair, urging my head back.
Then his hands went to my arms around his waist and removed them.
He shifted out from between me and the wall, his feet carrying him toward the exit.
“Hawk—”
“You deserve better than I could ever give you, Cunningham.”
He couldn’t be serious. After all that he’d just shared, after what I’d said in response, he was still stuck on that. “Don’t tell me what I deserve. I can decide that for myself.”
“You don’t want to do this to yourself. Trust me. I’ll destroy your life.” There was such an edge of worry and panic in his tone.
“I already told you I wasn’t afraid of you,” I argued.
Hawk shook his head. “I know. But this isn’t about what I could do to harm you physically. You’re right about that. You have nothing to fear because I’d never, ever hurt you like that. But the damage I’d do to you just by being around you is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.”
My brow furrowed. “I don’t understand.”
His breathing grew rapid, his words coming out faster. “People are uncomfortable around me, Cunningham.”
“I’m not.”
“I know.” He balled his hands into fists, inching his way closer to the door. The agony in his voice was almost too much to bear. “Trust me, I know. God, if things were different… But they aren’t. I won’t destroy the life you’ve built for yourself. This town doesn’t like me.”
I shook my head. “That’s not true.”
“It is.”
“What about Joyce and Dale? They like you.”
“That’s because they’re my nephew’s great grandparents,” he fired back.
When my lips parted in surprise, he added, “Gus is my nephew. He’s my sister’s kid.
That cake you’re making is for my nephew.
And Joyce and Dale are his family, my sister’s family.
That’s why they offered me a job when nobody else would hire me. ”
Tears filled my eyes, my hand flying to my chest. How cruel were people that they couldn’t see what he did as an act of extreme love? He’d sacrificed his freedom, his life, for his sister.
As I rubbed at the ache where my heart was beating wildly, Hawk begged, “Don’t do that, Cunningham.
Don’t cry. I can’t… I can’t handle that.
I can’t see your tears. I can’t be responsible for making you cry.
Just… I came here because I wanted you to know the truth.
I wanted you to understand that you didn’t do anything wrong. That it’s not you.”
“Hawk, please,” I pleaded with him. “Let’s sit down and talk about this.”
He shook his head, stood tall just inside my front door, and said, “I said I’m not interested. You’d be wise to forget you know me.”
With that, he unlocked the door, opened it, and walked out, leaving my heart aching, shattered, and broken on the floor where he’d just been only moments before.