18. Chapter 18
Harlow
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?”
Gray is leaning against the doorframe of the bedroom. His bedroom. My bedroom. Our bedroom. Our bedroom. Holy shit.
The first thing I did when we got back home was unpack all my things. I took them to the guest room at first, but Gray was having none of that, and honestly, thank God. I was a little worried that he hadn’t meant what he said in Vegas.
We’re both still wearing our rings, and I can’t keep myself from staring at them.
My eyes stray in their direction all the time.
Gray fell asleep on the plane, and the whole time I was just staring at his hand.
Made me feel like a real creep, but hell, if you can’t admire your own husband’s wedding band, what can you do?
I shake my head. “No, I’m okay.”
Coming home meant coming back to all the shit I left behind. A whole life. A life that’s not mine anymore, but still. I need to get my shit from Josh’s house, and I need to get it now.
Putting it off isn’t going to do me any good at all. Even though the idea of seeing him face to face after everything kinda makes me feel all gross inside, I know I have to do it sooner rather than later.
There’s a lot of guilt there, which is fucking stupid since he left me at the altar, but then I ran off and got married, and well… I think I actually enjoy being married to Grayson more than I would have enjoyed being married to him.
And that’s the reason for the guilt.
I think he did us both a favor because what does it say about me and our relationship that the idea of being married to Gray, living with him, sharing a bed with him, kissing him… all sounds so much better than doing those things with Josh?
My best friend in the whole world? The person I share the most with, who knows all my secrets and lore, who never fails to calm my brain and make me smile, also gets to be the person I kiss and cuddle with and share a bed with? Why the fuck did I never consider that as a possibility before?
My mom used to tell me you should marry your best friend. I didn’t think she meant it literally, but there’s some real merit to it.
“As long as you’re sure,” Gray says, coming into the room and sitting down on the end of the bed.
I rub a hand over my face. “I have to go back to work in two days, and so does he. Though…” I scrunch my nose up. “I guess he could have already. Doesn’t matter. Either way, I’m probably gonna see him, which means I may as well get it out of the way.”
Gray reaches out, squeezing my knee. “Yeah, we’ll have to see all our parents sooner rather than later too.”
Ugh. “Don’t remind me.”
Even when I was a kid, I didn’t make it a habit of lying to my parents. I guess I’m just doing all kinds of shit I don’t normally do.
“If you change your mind when you get there, just call me, and I’ll come running.”
My stomach flips. I like that he worries about me.
“I do have something you can do for me, actually.”
Gray’s eyebrows shoot up as he cocks his head. “Yeah?”
I nod. “Mhm. You can kiss me.”
His expression softens, then I’m being pushed back on the bed, and Gray is straddling me, his weight pressing me into the mattress.
My dick springs to life instantly, and he sinks into me, dropping his lips to mine.
“You know,” he mumbles against my mouth. “It’s kinda funny that you’re going to get some stuff from Josh’s with my ring on your hand and my marks on your throat.”
I arch toward him, not able to help it. Typical. No control of my body the second I get a little turned on. “I like that.”
Dipping his head, he nuzzles my throat. “Do you think he’s going to be jealous?”
Oh. I never even considered that. My cock pulses. I kinda like that, though. That he might be mad about seeing Gray’s marks on me. His claim on me. His ring. Although… “No, I don’t think so. I mean, he left me. So I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care.”
Gray pulls back enough to look me in the eye. “I can’t see how he wouldn’t be. I’d be eaten alive with jealousy if you showed up wearing someone else’s marks.”
Fuck, and that’s even hotter. “Would you?”
He nods. “Yeah, you’re mine. At least for now, isn’t that right?”
The “at least for now” kinda ruins it a little bit, but whatever. I guess I’ll take what I can get. When we’re done being husbands with benefits, I wonder if he’ll let us be friends with benefits.
Kinda kicking my own ass for only saying three months. Wonder if he would have agreed to six months or a year.
But no, I had to get all petty because he hurt my feelings trying to put a time limit on everything and rules and boundaries and shit.
I’ve got no one to blame but myself for that, really.
Ugh.
“You alright?” Gray asks, brushing his lips over my jaw.
“Yeah,” I breathe. “Kiss me again, because I’ve gotta go.”
Gray looks down at me. “Why are you in such a big hurry?”
“Because I wanna get my dumb stuff done so I can get back to you.”
He smiles. “Alright, fine.”
When he climbs off me, I feel bereft. This is such ass. I’m already a clingy person, especially where Grayson is concerned, but this is a lot, even for me. I think it’s just gonna get worse, though.
Every time I get close to Gray, I just want to be closer. It’s always been that way, but now it’s… more. Amplified. I want to be touching him all the time. Holding his hand or snuggling into his side. Something. Anything.
Pushing to my feet, I sigh. “Alright, I guess I’m gonna go.”
Gray steps into my space, cupping my face as he searches my eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”
I nod. “Yeah, I probably need to have a conversation with him at any rate. I can’t just pretend nothing happened.”
It would be nice if I could, but I know better. I haven’t been on social media all week, and the notifications started getting to where I needed to mute them entirely. But I know that doesn’t mean anything.
Just because I can’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
And just because I haven’t seen the fallout of things with Josh firsthand doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
I’m expecting the driveway to be empty when I pull in, but Andy’s car is out front. Makes sense, I guess. I’m happy that despite everything the two of them have been through, Andy showed up to support Josh.
I asked Josh once why it seemed like they didn’t get along, and he’d given me some bullshit answer about how sometimes brothers just fight and can’t get back to what they once were. It hurt my feelings a little, mostly because I could tell it hurt his.
Obviously, as an only child, I don’t know shit about what it’s like. I’ve had Gray for as long as I can remember, and while I don’t think of him like a sibling, we’ve had our fair share of arguments over the years. Mostly when we were young and dumb.
I can’t imagine anything bad enough to keep me away from him, though.
With a sigh, I push my car door open. Need to get this shit over with. I can’t fit everything in the car, and there’s a lot I need to pack up still, but I can get the majority of my clothes anyway. And maybe some shit from the bathroom.
For a second, I debate knocking, and maybe I should, but for now, this is technically still my house.
I push the door open and freeze.
Josh and Andy are on the couch together but spring apart when they see me.
“Uh… Hi.” Neither of them speaks to me. Josh looks a little disheveled, like maybe they were arguing and he was running his fingers through his hair in frustration, and his face is flushed. “Everything okay in here?”
There are a few more beats of silence, and then Josh nods slowly. “Yeah, sorry. I didn’t know you were here.”
“Clearly, I am.”
Andy clears his throat. “I’m gonna go to the guest bedroom.”
“Wait—” Josh says, but Andy is already walking away.
“Are you all fighting again?” I ask, staring at Josh as he watches Andy until he disappears from view.
He finally drags his gaze away, then looks at me and sighs. “Not exactly.”
Silence drags on, and the longer I stand here, the more awkward I feel. Maybe I should have had Gray come with me. Or maybe I should have called first or something. I’m not sure why I thought dropping in on the guy who left me at the altar would be a good idea.
“Did you need something?”
I nod. “I came to get some things. Clothes for work. Stuff.”
Waving his hand toward the bedroom—what used to be our bedroom—Josh sighs. “I haven’t touched anything. Take whatever you need.”
I know Gray better than I know anyone. Sometimes I think I know him better than I know myself. But I also know Josh, and I know when something is wrong with him.
Walking across the living room, I sit down on the couch. On the far end. Further away than Andy was, even. “What’s wrong?”
Josh snaps his head up, looking at me. I always thought he had really pretty eyes. Kind, too. But now, when I look into the green depths… I kinda just feel nothing. Fuck. That makes me feel really shitty.
“Nothing that you can help me with.” He laughs. “Why would you even care, given what I did to you?”
That’s a good question. I don’t have an answer. “Do you love me?”
That seems to shock Josh, his jaw falling open. “What? Of course.”
I cock my head. “Then why did you leave me standing at the altar?”
He’s quiet for so long that I’m sure I’m not going to get an answer. Not that I really expected one, I guess. He didn’t even tell me himself that he didn’t want to marry me anymore. Still kind of a shit move on his part.
“Do you love me?” he finally asks.
“Yeah,” I say automatically, then I frown, because do I really? “Maybe,” I amend. “I think.”
Josh gives me a sad smile. “So maybe we love each other, but maybe we love each other in the wrong ways. Or maybe we just don’t love each other enough.”
My heart slams against my ribs. “Maybe,” I echo.
“Do you think we would have been happy together?” Josh asks softly.
A month ago, my answer would have been yes. With no hesitation. None at all. But now… I can’t quite make myself say the word. Mostly because I don’t believe it. I don’t think we would have been happy together.
I was embarrassed that he left me. Not sad. I felt humiliation. Not heartbreak.
Figuring out the logistics of moving in with Grayson felt more intimidating than living a life without Josh.
“No,” I finally say. “No, I don’t think we would have at all.”
He gives me another sad smile, his eyes darting away. “Me neither. Maybe at first. Maybe we could have pretended. Maybe we could have pretended for a long time, even. But eventually…”
“We would have hated each other,” I finish.
Josh nods. “I really am so sorry.” He reaches out like he’s going to touch me—maybe squeeze my leg or pat my knee—but he draws his hand back right before he makes contact.
For the best, really. I don’t want anyone but Gray touching me.
“Seems like you landed on your feet, though.” This time, his words are laced with humor. “Quickly.”
I can’t help but laugh. Yeah, that about sums it up, I think. For a split second, I consider telling him the truth. “Why did you defend me so much?”
“I left you standing at the altar. Couldn’t even find the courage to tell you myself. I felt like I owed it to you to make sure you were supported and that people weren’t giving you too much shit. Especially when it was me who was in the wrong, not you.”
Swallowing hard, I nod. “I forgive you.” Josh’s eyes light up with surprise. Maybe I shouldn’t forgive him, and maybe I should hate his guts. But really… I think he saved me—us—from a very unhappy marriage.
“Do you think…” He stops, shaking his head.
“What?”
“Before we started dating, we were friends. Decent friends, I think.” I nod because he’s not wrong. “Do you think we could get back to that again?”
My eyebrows shoot up. “Being friends?”
He shrugs. “I’ll understand if not. There are some things you can’t come back from, and I know that—”
“Yeah,” I say, cutting him off. “I’d like that, I think. Being friends.”
Maybe we should have always just been friends.
We can’t change the past, but… being friends with Josh after we had a whole wedding planned—I don’t know.
It feels like maybe it’s a sign that my friendship with Grayson will survive our marriage too, and something about that makes me feel really damn relieved.
He seems to slump in relief. Obviously not for the same reasons as me. “Great.”
Pushing to my feet, I gesture toward the bedroom. “I’m just gonna—”
Josh stands too. “Do you want some help?”
“I think I can get it. Thanks, though.”
Sitting back down, he pats his thighs. “Okay.” I make it almost to the hallway when his voice stops me. “Thank you, Harlow.”
How fucked up is it that I feel like I should be thanking him? He did something I would have never had the courage to do. And it saved us both.