Chapter 11 #2
They split the bill and head back to Kai’s place. He keeps the light low and sultry in the living room, a single lamp illuminating the darkness.
Will drops down onto the sofa, pulling Kai into his lap and running his hands over broad shoulders and strong arms. Their mouths find each other, starting gentle and deepening with teasing flicks of tongue.
Kai feels different to Nathan in his arms. He’s bigger, nearly as tall as Will. Lithe where Nathan is firm and muscular.
Focus on Kai. Don’t disrespect him.
Will pulls him closer, hands firm on his hips just as Kai likes. Their kisses turn heated, bodies starting to press closer together as Kai’s hands bury themselves in Will’s hair.
They break apart to breathe. Will smiles at his boyfriend, stroking his hair away from his face as he leans in to brush his lips slowly over Kai’s.
“Will,” Kai murmurs. “I have something for you.”
“I know. I can feel you.”
“Not that!” Kai giggles, rolling out of Will’s lap and onto the sofa next to him. “Well, maybe a little later. Here.”
He presses a key into Will’s hand.
Will looks down at it, vision narrowing with terrible certainty.
“It’s for here, baby. I want you to feel like you can come and go whenever you like. I want you to feel at home here.”
The metal glints innocently in the low light.
“I know you wanted to take it slow, but we’ve been dating for six months now. I really like you. We’re good together. Really good together.”
Will feels himself starting to withdraw.
There’s an inevitability to it, like there has been so many times before, sweetness turning sour and cloying like overripe fruit.
The moment where keeping it casual stops being a shared goal.
The disconnect that makes it painfully obvious that they want different things.
Even if Nathan hadn’t just walked back into my life, I’d still feel this way. Right?
“Kai.” Will looks at him, knowing his eyes are sombre. “I’m sorry.”
“Baby, just listen to me. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with. I like having you around, and I know you like being with me. I know you wanted to keep it casual, but we can’t keep it casual forever, you know? Take a chance with me.”
“I’m so sorry. You’re a great guy, honestly. But this isn’t going to work.”
“Will. Come on. Are you seriously going to break up with me right now?” Kai asks, his voice soaked with incredulity.
Will reaches out, taking Kai’s hands in his and tucking the key back into his palm. “I can’t be what you want. I’m so sorry for that.”
Kai’s eyes turn glassy, the outrage on his face draining away. “It’s over?”
“I… I hope you find someone who can give you everything you’re looking for.” Will forces himself to look Kai dead in the eyes. “You deserve someone who’s ready to commit. You’re great.”
Kai doesn’t say anything, staring back at Will, his face entirely blank.
“I’ll go.” Will lets go of Kai’s hands, watching as a swirl of emotions fill his eyes, riding in the wake of tears he immediately tries to blink away. “I’m sorry. I truly am.”
He shuts the door quietly behind him on his way out.
As soon as the cold night air hits him, he sighs, letting all the air escape his lungs in a rush of guilt and disappointment.
He’s done this enough times that he knows he’ll feel terrible for a few days. He just hopes they weren’t together long enough for him to have truly broken Kai’s heart. A few bruises at worst, easily healed with a little time.
Kai will find someone who’s willing to commit. Someone who isn’t afraid. Someone who comes with less baggage, or at least the kind that can be carried together.
There’s a notification waiting for him when he arrives home.
The book Nathan’s reading is one of his favourites, maybe even one he recommended when they were young and things were simple.
Sent 23:15
When did you get into reading?
Nathan starts typing a reply almost immediately. Will brews some tea while he waits, the first sip spreading reassurance through his aching chest.
Received 23:15
When I was at my uncle’s
Running, reading and films were basically the only forms of entertainment I had
Will grimaces, imagining how lonely Nathan must have been, how isolated. He takes his tea over to the sofa and curls up under a blanket. He’s considering his reply when another message arrives.
Received 23:16
What are you up to tonight?
He snaps a photo of his legs resting on the sofa, blanket wrapped around him, cup of tea cradled in his lap. Nathan’s reply comes quickly.
Received 23:18
Your place looks nice!
Impressive collection of consoles you have there
The consoles and their controllers are just about visible in the photo he sent. Nathan must have zoomed right in to have seen them.
Sent 23:20
You’ll have to come play sometime
Will chews his lip, the idea of Nathan in his home a little too appealing.
Received 23:21
You’re only offering because you know you’d win
A chuckle slips out, the levity of it out of place in silence that should be guilt soaked. He can’t help but wonder if Nathan has managed to calm his button mashing tendencies over the years.
Another message arrives. And another. Nathan’s nothing if not verbose.
Received 23:21
Feel free to say no if you want
Can I voice call you?
I like messaging you and everything
It’d just be easier
It’s okay if you don’t want to though
He hesitates. He’s enjoying messaging Nathan, but after the events of the evening, it feels wrong to be enjoying talking to his ex.
Sent 23:24
I’m off to bed
Some other time?
Received 23:24
No problem
Sleep well!
Will drains his mug and drapes the blanket over the back of the sofa. Fifteen minutes later he’s in bed, cosy under the thick duvet. It’s easy to plunge into sleep after such a strange, emotionally draining day.
He dreams of Kai. Flashes of the past six months, drinks and dinners and late-night walks home after evenings spent in Kai’s bed.
The glazed sadness in his eyes, a fresh wound that seeps guilt like blood, thick and cloying.
Will dreams of a long, endless hallway lined with doors that won’t open regardless of how many keys he tries. Until one swings opens as he approaches, a familiar voice calling him home.