Chapter 11
Will
Will blinks, wondering if he misheard. “You went to work for your dad?”
“Yeah.”
“But you were so determined to find your own path.” Nathan frowns, a reasonable reaction to the incredulity in Will’s voice. “Sorry. Sorry, I’m just shocked. I never thought…”
“Depression takes a lot away from you,” Nathan murmurs. “And I… I was apathetic, I guess. Couldn’t find the energy to do anything. So I just followed the path he made for me. By the time I started feeling better I was trapped.”
Will’s heart clenches. “Trapped how?”
“Halfway through a degree I didn’t care about. Full of guilt that I broke our bond. Low self esteem. You know, all the normal stuff.” Nathan chuckles uneasily.
“Nathan, that’s… horrible. I’m so sorry.”
I wish I’d been there for you.
He offers a half-hearted smile and takes a sip of his sugary coffee. “Thanks.”
They sit in silence for a few minutes. A chill breeze ruffles Nathan’s hair, still long and sexy at the front. Will shivers, feeling so much he can’t pin any one emotion down long enough to deal with it.
“You cold? Want to go indoors?”
He shakes his head, letting hot black coffee warm him from the inside out. “I’m fine.”
“So what about you?” Nathan asks cautiously, eyebrows slightly raised.
The question is deliberately vague.
“I tried to find you. Enlisted most of our class to hunt you down.”
“I know.” Nathan’s lips twist in a humourless smile. “Bumped into Miriam a few days ago. She told me.”
I wonder how much she told you. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
A few moments pass. “Well, maybe you know already. I was a mess. I felt you, that night. I felt shock, outrage, disbelief… I was awake for hours. Eventually there was only devastation.”
“I felt you, too. Confusion, worry… I swore I could feel your heart aching.” Nathan looks down at the table between them.
“Me too.” Will wonders if it’s too much to tell him, decides there’s no reason to hold back. “It makes sense now. What I felt before the bond disappeared. It was like I was feeling you through a haze. I tried so hard to tune into you, but everything was foggy.”
“I think I did the opposite, in the end. Tuned you out, I mean. Feeling you was a reminder that everything I wanted was out of reach.”
His hand moves before he knows it, covering Nathan’s and squeezing gently. “I’m sorry you went through all that alone.”
Fingers twitch beneath his. “It’s okay. You were telling me about you?”
“Oh, yeah. I went to uni, studied nursing. I did a placement in a hospice, and I’ve been specialising in palliative care ever since.”
“That’s amazing. You’re amazing.”
Will feels his cheeks heat at the compliment.
Suddenly he realises his hand is still blanketing Nathan’s.
He draws it slowly away, immediately missing the warmth beneath his fingers.
“Thanks. There’s this thing one of the nurses said to me, my first week.
It’s not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years.
It’s a quote, can’t remember who said it, but it really hit home.
So much of modern medicine is about extending life, but palliative care’s about making the most of the life you have left. I liked that.”
Nathan nods, his green eyes soft. “I like it too.”
Will decides not to mention that the new perspective helped when he was grieving Nathan.
The prospect of years stretching ahead without him had seemed insurmountable, some days.
Thinking about the life Nathan would have wanted him to live, the life he would want Nathan to live if the situation was reversed… It kept him afloat.
Life after Nathan eventually found meaning and purpose again, but there’s always been something missing. A piece of his heart that never healed.
“Do you still do karate?”
The question jolts Will back to the present. “Not really. My shift patterns don’t really work with the classes. I go to the gym, keep up what I can with a punch bag.”
“Ah, I’m sorry. You still a gamer?”
“Of course. You?”
“Nah. I was never as good as you were, and my uncle didn’t have a console. Wouldn’t have let me use it even if he did, in case I tried to find you.” Nathan rolls his eyes, clearly trying to keep things light. “I ran a lot.”
“You ran a lot before, too.”
Nathan chuckles. “Yeah. I still run a lot, but I do more weights now. Strength training. I teach spin classes and boxercise, they’re super popular. I think you’d like boxing, maybe I’ll see you at one of my classes one day.”
Will’s phone vibrates in his pocket. “Sorry, one sec.”
It’s Kai, letting him know which restaurant he’s booked for dinner. His stomach twinges with guilt, attention so focused on Nathan that he’d forgotten they had plans.
Is it bad to forget about your boyfriend because you’re catching up with your ex?
Will clears his throat, pasting an apologetic smile onto his lips. “I need to get going soon. Plans tonight.”
“Ah, no worries. I bet you have a hot boyfriend waiting for you.” The question is voiced lightly, but Will feels the tension behind it.
Shit.
“Um. Yeah, I do.”
He looks so disappointed.
“Of course you do.” Nathan pushes himself upright and grabs their empty cups, jogging away before Will can protest.
When he returns, his expression is neutral. “I know it’s been years, Will, but… I’d really like it if we could be friends.”
A smile barges its way onto Will’s lips without his permission. “I’d like that too.”
“Okay.” Nathan looks up at him, wayward strands of hair bisecting his gaze.
Will makes a split-second decision and steps forward, drawing him into a hug. Nathan doesn’t hesitate, hugging him back with a firmness just shy of desperation.
The warmth of him in his arms… it takes him back to the day they bonded. Sitting on a bench not too far away from here, holding each other and talking and kissing, full of excitement for the future.
Will doesn’t want to step away. One more squeeze and he forces himself to let go, hoping that his face doesn’t reflect the echoes of a happiness long lost to memory. “Let’s get lunch sometime or something. See you, Nathan.”
“Talk soon.” Nathan smiles before he turns and walks away, kitbag slung over his shoulder.
Will’s unsettled, walking home. There are too many feelings in his stomach, sadness and regret and a tiny, shimmering mote of jubilation that he doesn’t want to think about.
Home blankets him with comfort the second he walks through the front door.
He flicks the kettle on, stopping by the wire cage as the water starts to heat. All is quiet within until he shakes a box of yoghurt drops, two furry shapes scampering out to meet him at one of their favourite sounds.
Jon bought him his first pair of pet rats.
Right after uni, when he moved into his first house share.
He just turned up one day with a cage and a cardboard box.
His brother has always been a little unpredictable, but somehow he struck gold: the rats were great pets, easy to look after and intelligent as anything.
Sausage and Egg are his second pair. The only downside of rat ownership is that their little lives are entirely too short.
He makes himself a cup of tea, a rat riding on each shoulder. The sofa beckons, his latest read waiting on the coffee table.
Sausage and Egg scamper around on the sofa as he reads, occasionally running up his arm and across his shoulders to hide at the nape of his neck beneath his loose hair.
The afternoon slides away and the hurricane quiets, soothed by the peace of his living room and the steady, deep breaths he takes in and out, in and out.
Eventually it’s time to get ready to meet Kai.
Will changes into a pair of black jeans, casting a critical eye over the shirt he chose this morning. It’s fitted, the black fabric shot through with silver thread, perfect for seduction.
He shoves it back into the wardrobe and chooses something casual to replace it.
The restaurant is intimate and romantic, pools of golden light bathing tables for two in carefully constructed ambiance. Kai’s waiting for him, a bottle of red wine already open on the table.
He stands to greet him like the gentleman he is. “Hey, baby. Missed you this week.”
Will mumbles his agreement and presses a soft kiss against his cheek.
“This place is great, right?” Kai pours him a glass of wine. “I checked out the menu online. Food looks lush. How was your day off?”
“Fine. Coffee with a friend, chilled out at home. You?”
“The usual meetings and bullshit.”
Kai launches into a story about work as Will tastes the wine, letting the mellow flavour wash over his tongue.
He reaches out, twining his fingers with Kai’s, determined to pay him the attention he deserves.
He’s a good guy, kind if a little too much of a workaholic, handsome with a broad, sunny smile and messy dark hair.
Will has always had a thing for guys with messy hair.
Kai beams at him, squeezing his fingers as he delivers a punchline ending with a laugh. Will joins in, laughing even though he’s sure he missed half of the story.
The food is delicious, rich and savoury in a way that’s perfect for the autumn weather. Will focuses on Kai, every inch the attentive lover, laughing at his jokes and flirting gently.
“Be right back.” Kai throws him a wink and slips away.
Will slides his phone from his pocket to fill the silence. The screen has a few notifications, one of which draws his eye immediately.
Nathan’s sent a photo. His hand holding a book open, about halfway through, legs stretched out on what looks like an unmade bed in the background.
Received 19:47
You used to send me so many photos like this, remember?
Sent 21:02
You actually read for fun now? I’m shocked!
What’s the book?
The waiter passes by before Nathan replies. Will orders a chocolate fondant with two spoons, a little surprise for Kai.
His boyfriend smiles happily when the dessert is presented to them, although he insists they don’t need two spoons. He takes great pleasure in sliding bites of melting chocolate between Will’s lips, his brown eyes smouldering with obvious intent.