~ 22 ~ #2
“All apply. It’s a great question but people are complex.
There are so many reasons why people come together in relationship, and what they struggle with.
If you hear the phrase, ‘this is just the way I am, take it or leave it’, then you know that that person is not yet willing to grow.
They are not yet able to look at the parts of themselves they don’t want to see. ”
“Would you say that is a red flag?”
“I don’t believe in red or green flags. We are all works in progress. High narcissistic and abusive traits are a different matter. In those cases, it’s almost always my recommendation to leave the relationship.”
“Wow. That’s direct.”
“You have to be when dealing with highly unconscious people.”
“But in terms of knowing who has the willingness to work on themselves and to grow, you think that’s key to the success of their romantic relationships?”
“All relationships. If people can address the areas that are holding them back it has a ripple effect on everyone they come into contact with. Friends, family, colleagues. Self.”
“And what about new relationships? How soon is too soon for a huge argument?”
“It depends on the dynamic between the two people. Have they known each other for longer than they were together? How intense has the initial stages of lust been? Where are they each in terms of their own lives and struggles?”
And on and on we went. Everything she said today felt like advice for my relationship with Rona. I hoped she wouldn’t see right through my questions. I might as well have said, ‘asking for a friend’, each time I asked her a follow-up question.
I stood, after another hour or so. “Thank you so much for coming in today. That was fantastic.”
“You’re very welcome.”
“Do you have plans for the rest of the day while you’re in London?”
“My flight is later tonight. I plan on taking it easy until then. I was going to visit the National Gallery in Trafalgar Square.”
“Nice.”
Dr Elena Muller looked directly at me. “Was there anything you wanted to talk about?”
“What do you mean?”
“I could see in your eyes you were struggling with something as we were talking. I wondered if you are having your own relationship difficulties right now?”
I shifted on my feet, feeling exposed. This woman had seen right through me. It was all I could do just to nod.
“Tell me.”
And so I told her all about me and Rona.
About how beautiful it was to meet in Greece and to start dating when we got back home.
How wonderful it had been for so long. Then I told her about the things we’d said to each other during our first fight.
That it felt like we were circling the drain, and it terrified me.
That it was like neither of us knew how to take things forward and to fix it.
That I was drowning in my own shortcomings and patterns I was repeating, feeling fundamentally challenged by Rona and the intensity of our new and burgeoning relationship.
Elena watched me closely the entire time I talked.
When I finished, she was quiet for a while.
“You are at a pivotal point in your relationship. It might be that you cannot make it to the next level of your relationship with this woman. You will never know unless you look inward and ask yourself some very hard questions.”
“Like what?”
“Do you love Rona?”
“I do. With all of my heart.”
“Why does that terrify you so much?”
“What? It doesn’t.” Even as the words were out of my mouth I knew they weren’t true. How could Elena clock me so easily? Wild. “It does, actually. You’re right. What else do I need to ask myself?”
“What is the relationship like with your parents? How was it when you were very young? What did you learn about love? Who taught you that it was safer to isolate when you needed love?”
“I might need a day or two to get back to you.”
“This will take you a while to truly understand and heal from.”
“I might not have that long. I can feel us drifting apart.”
“Are you willing to do the work on yourself to heal your early attachment wounds so that you can show up for Rona in a more secure way?”
“I am.”
“Then tell her that. Tell her that you recognise your part of the issue and that you are taking responsibility for that. But crucially, tell her that you are not going anywhere and that you will work through this together. That’s all any of us can do.
If she’s willing to meet you halfway and look at what dysfunction she brings to the table, you two might stand a chance of developing a truly loving and healing relationship. I wish you well.”
We parted not long after that. I couldn’t imagine that Dr Elena Muller gave out free consultations very often.
Her time was so valuable, but she generously gave me some time here and some insights about my situation with Rona.
I was grateful. Hopefully the podcast could help people with their relationships as much as I already knew it was going to help me with mine.
***
I was at home staring at my drinks cabinet a couple of hours after my conversation with Elena ended.
I told Freya and the production team I had to go home and that I couldn’t discuss production ideas for the video yet.
I had too much on my mind and needed time to process. They were all very good about it.