~ 22 ~
Lily
I stared at my guest across the table from me, a beautiful older woman with a mesmerising Swiss accent.
I finished reading her most recent book last night, after my extensive research on her work.
Dr Elena Muller was a renowned couple’s therapist and author of several books on relationships.
I couldn’t believe she was taking the time to talk to me on my podcast. It couldn’t have been better timing what with the recent trouble Rona and I were having.
We were staying in touch while giving each other space.
I was feeling better because I’d been able to get some time to myself to recharge.
Even my shoulder was feeling a bit better.
I didn’t know how to be around someone one hundred percent of the time and not feel overwhelmed, especially when being around Rona was the most intense and intimate thing I’d ever experienced.
“What are the biggest reasons couples argue?”
My guest spoke, after a beat. I got the impression she rarely said anything before thinking about it first. “The most common surface level reasons are usually money, sex, parenting, and time. But under the surface there are three things almost every conflict between a couple is about. And they are, power and control, closeness and affection, and recognition. When a couple repeats the same argument time and time again, it’s a sign something is not being addressed relating to one or more of these three topics.
For example, does your husband long for affection while the last thing you want to do is to be intimate?
Does your wife constantly get angry that you do not recognise what she does for the family?
Does one partner always demand more control or can the couple share power?
I find that with correct understanding of what is driving conflict, couples can begin to meet each other and find their way back to each other. ”
“How do you know a relationship is worth saving, if you are constantly arguing?”
She tilted her head. “Healthy relationships are built around emotional and relational safety. Disagreements like I mentioned above are not the problem. Indeed, it’s important for a couple to be able to navigate disagreements and conflict.
What really damages relationships is shutdown when things get hard.
Withdrawal, silence and emotional distance.
There has to be repair after rupture. Both parties have to want to do the work of repair.
When feelings of safety and care exist after or even during conflict, all the time really, then the nervous system begins to learn that the connection is safe, even in times of distress.
It is in these moments of rupture and repair that the strength of the relationship is really built. ”
“Why does withdrawal and silence damage the relationship. Doesn’t it preserve what’s there and reduce the bad things one might say in the heat of the moment?”
She looked at me as if I were a relationship novice who needed to be gently guided towards better understanding of how adult relationships work. Like a parent about to teach their toddler something fundamental about life.
“It’s quite the opposite. It teaches the other partner that the relationship is not a safe place to bring up disagreements.
It’s a form of control that only serves to weaken the bond.
Real relationships are based on trust, consistency, and respect.
When you stonewall your partner’s bids for connection repeatedly, you send a clear message that the relationship cannot serve as the vehicle in which to receive nourishment and growth.
Because relationships are ultimately there to help you learn and grow.
To show you the deepest, most truthful, most unhealed parts of yourself, and lovingly guide you towards being more securely attached. ”
“Ah. I see.”
The way she explained it all so simply and so clearly was quite something but in truth, I didn’t fully understand her.
I always had something to say when I was commentating and analysing football matches as a professional pundit, but not now.
I had no follow-up questions for her because I was still trying to get my head around what she was saying.
Even though I had read about her concepts already in her books, my mind was well and truly blown.
Thankfully, she continued. “Our culture teaches us to expect our partners to make us happy. This is based on the fallacy of the initial infatuation and obsession stage. Most relationships don’t make it past the stage of seeing the other as a real person, not the fantasy of what you have projected onto your lover.
It’s after the honeymoon stage that real love begins to grow. ”
“Why do people push their partners away after the honeymoon phase, when things get hard?”
“It’s easier to blame the other person than to look inward. Many people would rather find a new partner and start the whole infatuation process again, never learning how to take a relationship to the next level.”
“What do people with avoidant attachment styles do when they get to the point where the honeymoon phase is over or they feel like they have no space to breathe anymore. Is it not healthy to honour your boundaries and take the space you need?”
“As I said before, relationships only grow when there is emotional and relational safety. Almost anything can be worked out between two people, if both people are willing to do the work it takes.”
“It can’t be all the avoidant’s fault, though?”
“You’re right. People with an anxious attachment style often push their partners away by clinging on too tightly.
This push-pull dynamic is not healthy. Only when the anxious partner realises their need for constant connection is in fact a form of avoidance, often at the expense of themselves, can they learn to no longer abandon the self.
Anxious partners must turn towards themselves, and this in itself gives the avoidant partner the space they need.
Healing this dynamic can only happen when both partners take individual responsibility to allow the relationship to thrive.
You can think of the relationship as like a third entity.
It cannot thrive if each partner is not secure in themselves first. It cannot thrive if even one of the partners is not interested in or capable of addressing their own behaviours.
So, it’s neither partner’s fault, and it’s both partners’ faults, at the same time. Does that make sense?”
It hit me like a ton of bricks. Rona and I both had these faults.
We’d admitted as much while we were still just friends.
I always did this in relationships and even sometimes in friendships.
I was the common denominator. I pushed people away when they got too close.
Just like Dr Elena Muller was explaining to me, this was a defence mechanism because intimacy to me felt like danger.
I’d grown up without that feeling of emotional safety, and I had to prove myself to my parents and handle things on my own.
Yes, Rona had been staying around me a lot.
Yes, she was clearly anxiously attached to me and didn’t know how to be any different.
But my response to that was based in fear and overwhelm. Now I knew better.
I cleared my throat. “Yes. It makes total sense.”
She eyed me closely while sipping some water.
Could she tell I was going through this exact problem right now? It had been a total fluke that our schedules aligned and she could join me today. Maybe it was fate intervening to kick me up the ass. I smiled to myself, because the last time fate helped me out, it led me to Rona.
“In all of your work you talk about the health of the relationship as a whole. Where did you first come across that idea?”
“Very early on in my career, it became apparent. Couples would come in and sit with me for hours and hours, complaining about the other, he wasn’t doing this or she wasn’t doing that, but I could sense there was this third presence in the room.
So in any relationship you have three entities.
Two flawed individual human beings and one shared entity representing the couple itself.
Their union. It has to be handled very sensitively and nurtured or it can fall apart. So many people don’t realise this.”
“Huh. That’s so true.”
“Or they come in and say to me, ‘please, will you fix my partner’, when the real change needs to begin with them. The real work is when an individual can realise that in order to fix my partner, I first have to work on myself. Doing the work to regulate your own emotions and nervous system, addressing your blind spots and the things that cause disharmony in your own life – if that is possible – these are gifts that you give to your partner. One of the best things you can do for your partner, or even your close friends and family, is to work on yourself. Almost everyone I’ve worked with had blind spots in the way they were relating to the people in their life they didn’t know about.
Once they were able to see and understand these things about themselves, and heal the underlying issues, then real change began.
It always begins with the self. We cannot change or control anyone else. We can only change ourselves.”
“I get that. It’s hard for people not to try and change their partner first. I think that’s very common.
You also mentioned three main reasons why couples fight.
Does that apply to people who have different attachment styles?
Like, does an anxious partner always complain about affection and closeness?
Or is it the avoidant partner who complains about that? ”