~ 23 ~
Rona
Lily was standing by the main door to my building when I rounded the corner to my street. There was something in the way she was resting her shoulder against the side of the wall that made me feel like something was different about her. Like she had softened somehow.
“Waiting for someone?” I called out as I strolled up to her.
She turned and smiled at me so broadly, I nearly stopped walking just to feel it.
“Nah. Just pondering the meaning of life and how much of an idiot I’ve been.”
“What did you conclude?” I reached her now. Neither of us moved in for a hug or a kiss and we both stood there not knowing what to do with our hands.
“That I’m a huge tosser and life is better with you at the heart of it.”
I smiled but I was still uneasy. “You’re not an idiot, you’re an incredible specimen of a human being and I don’t want to hear you talking about my girlfriend like that ever again.”
Lily leant forward and kissed my cheek, gently. We wrapped each other up in a huge hug. I sank into her arms after a rigid start to the hug. She nuzzled the side of her face onto my head but there was still something slightly off between us.
It felt so good to be with her again though. I pulled out of the hug. “I’m sorry I’m late. Were you waiting long?”
“Not too long.”
“Only I could be late to a meeting in my own home. You know me. Always late. Fucking disaster.”
“You’re not a disaster. It’s okay, honestly. I know how engrossed you get in your music and you struggle to see time. I do know you, Rona.” She put her hand on my chest. The contact was soft and grounding. I took a deep breath, happy to see her face again.
“Come on,” I said. “We better head up before someone snaps a picture of us and plasters it all over the internet again.”
I hadn’t been expecting Lily so unfortunately my flat was untidy. I’d been so focused on my music lately that tidying had slipped my mind.
Lily was a little different as she carefully took off her jacket, stepped out of her shoes, and sat on the sofa. She’d been quiet the whole walk up the stairs.
I made some tea and pulled on my comfy sweater.
This felt like old times but then I had a sinking feeling.
Had we changed irrevocably after our first fight and giving each other space for two weeks, two days and two hours?
We knew we both loved and trusted each other, but even the strongest of connections could turn in the wrong direction this early in a relationship.
Our love was real but in some ways it still felt fragile.
I wanted to repair and build stronger, but did Lily?
I need to talk to you could be code for I’m breaking up with you.
I gripped my mug with both hands and blew over the top of it, before taking a sip.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” My voice was tighter than usual, no doubt giving away that I was desperately hoping it would be about fixing our relationship.
Although I wasn’t supposed to desperately want anything in relationships anymore.
I had to be more chill and in my own centre so I could meet my own needs.
If Lily picked up on me being needy again, she might clam up and back away again.
I chose to stay silent and not incriminate myself any further.
Damn, I thought I’d been doing well during our cooling off period but apparently not. One conversation and I was right back there, feeling insecure again.
Or maybe just having this awareness was enough to begin addressing it. Working on myself was going to take time, after all.
Lily took a deep breath, looking at me intensely.
Her expression was a mixture of worry, regret, and guilt.
“I’ve been thinking about my actions and how what I said impacted you.
You didn’t deserve that, and I see that I hurt you.
I’m so sorry. I take full responsibility for what I did.
I’m learning a lot about relationships with you, and I’m committed to rebuilding trust if you’re open to it.
We don’t need to rush it. Take all the time you need.
But can I ask, because I want to understand more, can you tell me how it felt for you? ”
My heart was pounding. I hadn’t fully processed what she’d said yet, but her words alone had already shifted something in me.
“Um, I felt blindsided. It made me feel stupid and kind of humiliated, like I didn’t matter to you as much as I thought I did.
Insulted.” I took a breath. “But I think the worst of it was I felt less safe to be around you. And ultimately, it felt like you were abandoning and rejecting me, but I know that is always how I feel about relationships, even friendships.”
Lily put her head in her hands, tipping her head down. She went red, and some tears appeared. “I’m so fucking sorry, Rona.” She wiped her tears with the back of her sleeve. “Not me getting upset when I’m meant to be apologising for how I hurt you.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered, reaching out to hold her hand. “I know this is a lot for you, too. Tell me, what was going on for you?”
“I really was feeling overwhelmed. When I get like that, I shutdown and withdraw. I’m not used to sharing my life with someone so fully.
” She paused to rub her forehead. “I wasn’t expecting our love to come into my life and take me over like this.
But it did and I am so happy. But that feeling like I can’t breathe is real for me.
It’s not your fault. It’s my issue and it’s on me.
I want to do better. I want to be better for you.
I want us to deal with this now so that it doesn’t get in the way of us building a life together.
I’ll do whatever it takes to fix this with you.
The hard conversations. Working on myself.
Therapy. You name it. I’m not perfect but I want to try.
I’m so fucking grateful that you came into my life, Rona, and I want this to work.
” Lily’s eyes were open and wide, anxious about my response, with a layer of uncertainty and fear that I hadn’t seen in them before.
I was quiet for a moment to consider how I was feeling in my body after all that she’d said.
I was strangely calm and warm. She’d nailed it.
“It’s okay, Lily. I understand that was how you were feeling and it’s okay.
You have a right to feel however you feel, too.
I’m just sorry I didn’t see how my behaviour was affecting you.
You were right to let me know. It’s not all on you and it never will be.
This is a partnership. I need to clean up my side of the street too, and I will. I am. I want this to work, too.”
Lily nodded, taking in every word I was saying, it felt.
We were quiet for a very long time after that.
I sat there, allowing her words to seep into me.
I hadn’t realised, even, just how hurt I’d been until now when it was being repaired.
I finally let myself feel the sadness of it all, while at the same time the joy and excitement of it being put behind us was taking shape.
Lily sat very still, not rushing in to force me to feel a certain way. I appreciated that.
I cleared my throat. “When did you start feeling overwhelmed by me?”
“As soon as you started staying over a lot.”
“So it’s when I’m around you all the time?”
Lily shook her head. “It’s not necessarily a physical thing. It’s when you got so close to me, emotionally. I felt this sense of danger. I’m used to dealing with things on my own. There’s a part of me that thinks, if I let my guard down, I’ll get destroyed.”
“I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“Neither did I until I started processing it. I think it’s how I’ve always felt around my parents. They’ve never really been there for me, emotionally.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
Lily shrugged.
I made a mental note to come back to the topic of her parents not being there for her.
Right now was about us. “If you need time to yourself, just ask. Just tell me. I can’t always read your mind.
It’s absolutely fine for you to take some space to recharge.
I want you to feel like you have space and you can hold onto yourself.
I can work on being more independent. I can take things slowly. ”
“I will. I’ll tell you how I’m feeling and I’ll tell you when I’m going to come back.” Lily’s jaw was clenched. She looked tight, as if bracing for impact, even though we were both saying good things to each other.
I reached across and held her hand. “How are you feeling, my love?” I kept my voice low and soft.
“Awkward. I’m not used to such open and honest conversations.”
“Neither am I.”
“It’s so nerve wracking.”
“It is.”
“How are you feeling?”
“The hurt is still there but I’m feeling more validated, which helps. I’m relieved that it looks like we’re going to come through this stronger. Mostly I’m just trying to stay present.”
“Me too.”
“You can leave if you need to. I’ll understand.”
“No. I want to stay. This is an example of it. I’m uncomfortable but I can deal with it. I’m staying in the discomfort, and I’m sure it will pass. I know you have my best interests at heart. I think it’ll help in the long run, to sit with this feeling instead of distracting myself from it.”
“Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?”
Lily smiled, gently. “Just being here together is more than enough. I’m sorry I’m like a flighty bird.”
“The cutest flighty bird.”
Lily chuckled. “Thanks for being so patient with me. I’m still learning this stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“Relationships. My patterns.”
“Me too.”
“Full disclosure I spoke with this world expert in couples counselling today. Let’s just say it made me see myself clearer, and us. That’s why I raced over to see you.”
“How do I thank this person?”
Lily laughed. “Her name is Dr Elena Muller. But let’s see if I can put it into practice before thanking her? I want to try, and I hope you know that.”