~ 23 ~ #2
I stroked Lily’s hands, running my fingers over them gently, feeling fully connected to her again.
It had been too long. The thought of not having Lily in my life, of her not wanting to see me or talk to me was at this point, unthinkable.
I shuddered the thought away, so grateful to be here right now talking everything out and paving the way for our future together.
Because it felt like we were both equally as motivated to create a healthy and sustainable relationship.
It all felt so grown up and mature, in the best possible way.
But I still had plenty of stuff to apologise for and I was going to do this right, because she meant so much to me.
“What I said to you about your drinking, Lily, I’m deeply sorry.
I had no right. And I’m so sorry for crowding you too much.
I see it now, and I shouldn’t have said you were wrongly blaming me because you dove straight into your podcast. You were feeling overwhelmed.
By the podcast and by our relationship. I get it. ”
Lily shook her head. “It’s honestly fine. I can see why you would find it strange given how out of nowhere the podcast came from and became successful. It’s totally understandable you’d be like, why the fuck is she doing all this and then saying I’m overwhelming her?”
“You’re being so good about it.”
“I did throw myself into it and I did get overwhelmed by the podcast, and I think that’s why I found it more difficult to attend to what was going on between us.
I seem to have this drive to put myself out there and take risks.
I didn’t stop to think about the consequences before I launched right into it. ”
“Maybe this is one of your best qualities in that you get things done, you just go for it. It’s why you were such a successful footballer.
And now you’re processing your life through your podcast, learning with your listeners and exploring all these ideas.
You’re using your platform for a good purpose.
You’re a true leader, Ms Captain of England, and I adore you for it. You’re amazing, Lily, really.”
“Aw, thanks. But I do need to learn how to slow down and examine myself and the world around me more. And my relationships. I’ve been far to go-go-go for years.
Like, I want to feel more connected to my body, not just as an instrument for playing football, but as a real living human being.
And my mind. I do really love learning and exploring different ideas.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I have something to offer besides my physicality. ”
“I’m glad to hear that,” I affirmed. But I had more to say.
“As for all the things we said to each other, maybe we needed to say it. All of it. We’ve been too polite with each other.
I think at some point in a relationship you have to let the other person fully in and see the parts of yourself you’d rather hide, otherwise they can’t really know you. It’s not real.”
“I agree with you. We did need to be more real.”
“I really want to repair things with you. I hope this marks the beginning of that.”
“It does.” Lily smiled, warmly. I was starting to feel more reassured that we were going to come out of this stronger.
Lily looked like she had more to say. “On your point about my drinking, you were right. I have been drinking too much. I take a drink to avoid dealing with my feelings. I think it numbs me or whatever. After I left football it was the only thing that felt exciting for a while. I never let myself indulge in things in the past because I was so focused on my football and on keeping my body in good shape. I’d binge on the off season while on holiday.
That was the pattern. I guess I just didn’t know how to move past the idea that I was still on the off season from my football career.
But now I see that I don’t need it. It’s not the solution.
I have my new path now and I have you. That’s what matters.
You brought it to my attention, Rona, and I really value that.
I really appreciate that you brought it up.
It shows me that you care about me and are going to have my back even when I don’t have my own. ”
“I care about you so much. I didn’t know how to talk to you about it earlier. I’ve been worried pretty much our whole relationship about it.”
“Oh.”
“I didn’t want you to think I was judging you. I mean, I drink too and sometimes too much. It took me a while to spot that you were doing it so habitually. In the end I had to say something to you about it. I’m glad that you’ve taken it so well. It comes from a place of love.”
“I know.” Lily squeezed my hand. “You make me want to face it.”
“What matters to me is that you know I’ve got your back and I’m not judging you. Ever. If you still want to have a couple of drinks or whatever to chill out, that’s your choice and I’ll respect that.”
Lily kissed the back of my hand. “I know, baby.”
We sat for a while holding hands.
“About your music,” Lily said, raising her eyebrows.
“Yes?”
“I can’t say I don’t believe what I said but I’m sorry I pushed you on it like that. Like you, I said what I said from a place of love. How do you feel about it?”
“No, I also needed to hear it. Let’s just say I’ve taken what you said to heart.
I like that you challenge me like that too.
I need a partner who’s willing to stick their neck out and say the hard thing rather than walk on eggshells around me, and who appreciates when I do it for them, too. I think it’s important.”
“Wow. I thought I’d really fucked that up.”
“Does this mean we survived our first fight?” I looked into Lily’s eyes, hopefully.
“It does. And here’s to many more, as long as they keep bringing us closer like this.”
I laughed. “You’re so sweet.”
Lily took a deep breath. “Can we keep talking like this when things get hard?”
“Absolutely,” I confirmed.
Lily continued. “I think a lot of what we’re saying here will be in working things through together, trial and error and showing each other.
Little by little, know what I mean? It doesn’t feel authentic to say that everything’s fully resolved after one conversation.
We need to see these changes in each other.
Or we need to show each other. Actions speak louder than words and all that. ”
“I totally agree. We keep talking, even when it’s hard.” I squeezed Lily’s thigh. “And on that note, I’m going to get back to my old self again and do more things outside of us. Take the pressure off. Like I said, you can let me know when you need space and I’ll do my best to respect that.”