~ 23 ~ #3
Lily nodded gently. It meant the world to me. “There’s so much good between us. I want to get back to enjoying life with you by my side. You make me feel excited about the future and I want that future with you very much. I want you. But let’s take our time. Baby steps.”
I smiled so hard I felt it in my cheeks. “I want you too, baby. I’m so happy we’re on the same wavelength. It really matters.”
“It does.”
“I meant what I said about doing the work on myself. I’m going to start going to therapy to work through my neediness and my fear of being seen and rejected. I’m going to sit through all the discomfort of talking about it and addressing it. I’m doing it for us, yes, but mostly myself.”
“I’m really proud of you, Rona. Is now a good time to say that I’ve also been seriously considering therapy? After speaking with Dr Muller today it made me see I need it.”
“That’s so funny we’ve both come to the decision we need therapy separately.”
“If it means protecting our relationship and making it healthier, I’m all in.”
“You’re better at this whole relationship thing than you think.”
“Actually, I have my first request. You know I love sleeping with you, as in the sleeping part and sharing a bed after we have sex?”
“I do. I love sleeping with you, too. I’ve never slept so well in my life.”
“I love that. But would it be okay if we didn’t always cuddle when we go to sleep? I love cuddling you but for the sleeping part, I’m good with just rolling over and actually sleeping.” Lily held her breath, bracing herself for my response.
I held her hand. It was soft and clammy. “Of course! That’s totally okay. I want you to be comfortable.”
“Really?” A small smile played at Lily’s lips.
“Yes, really. You can hug and roll me.”
A fuller smile broke out on her face. “I wasn’t sure how you were going to react to that. I’m glad it’s cool.”
I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed the back of it. “See. This is exactly what we need to be talking about and working through. If there’s anything else I can do like this, please let me know.”
Lily held my eyes. I felt that familiar buzz of energy run through my body again. “I will.”
“There’s something really exciting I’ve been dying to talk to you about.”
“What?” Lily searched my eyes.
“I’m releasing an album and launching my solo career. I’ve been booked to play at Glastonbury this summer. The album’s nearly ready to drop. That’s why I’ve been in the studio so much.”
“Oh my God, that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you.” Lily beamed. She hugged me.
“I don’t have a label and I’m just going to manage and fund this myself and have full control. Fuck it.”
“What changed?”
I gave her a look, tilting my head. As if she didn’t know that our argument had changed me.
“You, silly. What you said jolted me out of my comfort zone. Like, I was pissed off with you at the time but after I did a lot of self-reflection, I realised it was time. I don’t think I want to be ‘significant’ like you suggested, but I do think my fear of being seen and rejected has been holding me back.
I do want to share my music and enjoy it more.
You were right. You were all right. Also, Nell and I DJ’d at this club night and I got asked to play at the festival.
I think that coupled with what you said is what really did it. It’s now or never, you know?”
Lily hugged me again, kissing the side of my face. “You were already there. You just needed a wee bit of encouragement.”
“I think I took it too literally. Now I’m officially booked to go on stage and play live in front of a larger crowd.
” I laughed. “No, seriously, it’s something I want to do for myself and I think the therapy is going to be really helpful for me in starting on this journey.
I’m going to share my music as me, the real me.
If people like it, that’s great, if not, it’s not going to devastate me. ”
“They’re going to go crazy for it, Rona. Your music is so unique, and I cannot wait to hear this new album.”
I showed her my laptop with a mock-up of my album cover on it.
Lily examined it, a smile tugging at her lips. “You used the picture I took of you on the tube when we first started dating?” Her eyes watered.
“Is that okay? I meant to ask you?”
“Of course it is! I love how you added the red shade over it. It’s so fucking cool.”
I rubbed my neck. “That moment on the tube meant a lot to me.”
Lily stared into my eyes. She knew what this meant.
“Want me to play it for you now?”
“Please. But can we do something else first?”
“What?”
Lily blinked. “Come here.” She leant in and found my lips with hers as her hands lightly touched the sides of my face.
We kissed so gently that a tear formed in the corner of my eye. This tenderness was unmatched in anything else in my life, past or present. In her embrace, I felt myself become more myself, and more alive.
Lily pulled back, planting single kisses all over my mouth and face before taking a deep breath and exhaling as if she was finally home. “Now where’s this gorgeous new album of yours?”
I stood. “Just so you know, every song on this is about us.”