~ 24 ~
Lily
The referee blew the final whistle. We won the league!
I cheered in the stand next to my fellow commentators and the production staff as the stadium erupted.
The players on the pitch piled on top of each other as the home crowd roared in jubilation.
It had been such a close competition, and they’d come from behind after a bad start to the season.
I was so proud of my team that my chest felt swollen.
Everyone on the team had worked so hard for this.
They deserved it. Nikki and Sophie were hugging.
I wished I could run onto the pitch and hug them too.
I took a deep breath, remembering that I was no longer part of it. They had moved on. And so had I.
“We’re on in two minutes, guys. Please take your places.” The producer tried rallying the three of us back to the table we were all standing around.
Sam, the lead presenter, was already there and looking as professional as ever. She smiled at the scene unfolding around her, itching to take over for the live television audience.
“In five, four, three, two, you’re on,” said the Director.
“They say true champions know how to grind out a win no matter what, and today Arsenal showed us all what it takes to come back and prove their place at the top of the league. Congratulations to Arsenal, champions of the Women’s Super Leage for three years running.
It was a rollercoaster of a season for them and today they’ve clinched victory.
Lily.” Sam addressed me. “What are the girls going to be feeling right now? You know better than anyone what this moment will mean to them.”
“Absolute elation, Sam. These women have dug deep for this. You can see it in how they carried themselves all year after the disappointing start to the season and in how they responded, and now, as they’re celebrating, you can see what it means to them.
It’s everything. All the training, all the blood, sweat, and tears – it’s all about this moment and the joy of getting to this place with your teammates. ”
“I’m sure they’ll be celebrating well into the early hours tonight, that’s for sure. And what a team performance it was.” Sam moved on to David on my left. “This wasn’t part of the script, was it?”
“Not in a million years. To come back from such a horrible start this season when they couldn’t win a single match, to that unbeaten run they’ve just gone on is legendary.
Whatever happened this year, they got the job done.
Well done, girls, and well done to the manager, she obviously knows how to get the best out of her team. ”
“She certainly does,” Sam agreed. “We’re going to hear from her right now as Sally is pitch side with her.”
The director yelled cut as the cameras switched to the manager, who you could see being interviewed on the pitch in front of the league sponsorship branding boards and various microphones.
All the television monitors showed her face, as players continued to celebrate, touring and dancing around the pitch thanking the fans, clapping and waving.
There were scenes of utter joy all around and the music coming through the stadium only intensified the feeling. Players were reuniting with their families and friends. I wanted to get down there but had to wait for another thirty minutes until we completed the full analysis for the live show.
The trophy was presented to the team as they huddled around on a small podium with the team colours of red and white all around in ribbons and balloons.
I knew what it felt like to be the captain lifting that trophy.
I’d been fortunate enough to do so seven times during my career.
Nikki and Sophie had their arms around each other’s shoulders and were currently bouncing away to the sound of success.
The stadium erupted again as the trophy was hoisted into the air.
A warm and fuzzy feeling spread through my chest as I watched my old teammates celebrate their success.
For the rest of the televised coverage of the match, we ran through every detail of the win today and the major key points of Arsenal’s season. The more we analysed their journey, the more I realised I’d had my own journey this year, too.
“See you in a couple of months for the start of next season?” David said, when the cameras stopped rolling and the production team started finishing up.
Such an innocent throwaway question yet I struggled to answer him. “You know, David, I’m not sure.”
“Ah, you will.” He tapped my arm with the back of his hand, the power and strength still showing in his aging body. Being an athlete was hard to let go of, for all of us.
I chose not to answer him and instead just gave him a quick smile and shrug of the shoulders. Today was not the day for announcing I would not be back. Today was for my club and them getting the full spotlight about their huge achievement in winning the league.
By the time I joined the team in the dressing room, the place was still feral with celebrations. Shin pads were hanging half off, jerseys had been swapped, and champagne was flowing.
“Lily!” Nikki came over, with Sophie behind her. “We did it!”
We all hugged and I congratulated them again. “You deserve this, guys, well done. I’m so proud of you.”
The other players came over, and I spoke to most of the team in one way or another. Part of me was so proud; part of me still missed being involved; but, most of all, I was happy for them.
“Are you coming out with us tonight?” Sophie asked. “We’re all going upstairs for a bit to celebrate with the club and then we’re going out after. It’s going to be an epic night!”
“I’ll come upstairs for one drink, but then I’ll leave you guys to it.
This is your night.” There were many reasons I wasn’t going to spend tonight with the team.
For one, I wanted to see Rona as she’d been away touring her new album with Nell.
We’d not seen each other in eight days and I missed her so much.
But the key thing was that it didn’t feel right. I had to let all this go.
I also didn’t fancy drinking all night as I was no longer interested in doing that anymore. I’d been feeling much calmer and clear-headed drinking less.
Nikki and Sophie both looked at me closely for a moment. I knew they got it and I knew they wouldn’t hold it against me.
“No problem, Lily.” Sophie hugged me and Nikki piled in. “We understand.”
After a lovely hour in the members’ lounge chatting with all the people from the club, the coaches, the physios, the backroom staff and Tony, the head groundskeeper, I quietly slipped out one of the side entrances and made it to the underground staff car park.
It was still light and it was warm after a hot day.
I was grateful for my sleeveless top and loose-fitting trousers.
Shutting the door to my car, I could see my life so clearly now.
The life I had built in football was over.
It no longer fit me. I’d outgrown it. It was no longer my path in life.
My body would no longer allow me to play at the highest level and at some point, I had to accept it.
How I managed to win the Ballon d’Or while playing through pain in my last season would be a mystery to me forever.
Because that life was over. I was moving in a new direction.
I’d already gone. None of this felt essential to me anymore and it was my past. Who I was becoming was going to cost me this life, but I was okay with that.
Football had consumed me for most of my life so far.
It was okay to want other things now. It was okay to become the person I was becoming.
As I drove through the London streets, with fans kitted out in the club colours of red and white, waving scarfs and still celebrating, I felt like I was floating. I felt light. I felt free.
I couldn’t wait to see Rona tonight as I turned off the main street to head to the venue she was playing at.
Since her album launch, things had been going amazingly well for her.
Her album was gaining traction, and she was starting to get asked to do interviews with various newspapers, music magazines, and influencers, as well as invites to play more gigs.
I had her music on in the car as I drove, feeling calmer and more connected to her whenever I heard her voice and the catchy beats of her songs.
Tonight, she was playing in Brixton to a sell-out crowd.
I saw her play live last week, when she started her mini tour of the UK in Glasgow.
She’d been incredible. I’d watched her take thousands of people through the most energetic, vibrant, creative, and emotional gig I’d ever seen.
When I was watching her exude the most authentic and gentle confidence, and hotness, I struggled to equate her with the same Rona who had doubted herself and her ability to enjoy life as a solo artist.
Tonight was her final show of this short tour.
I hadn’t been able to make the start because of the match and my commentating gig and had planned on maybe being occupied all day.
Parking the car nearby, I was so glad I had chosen to see her tonight.
I felt like something was shifting in me, and this gig tonight was huge for Rona. I wanted to be there for her.
Inside the gorgeous old venue, I watched as she did the last few songs in her setlist, effortlessly pulling off her lesbian-in-glasses-who-doesn’t-dress-for-the-patriarchy look.
My heart swelled at how brilliant she was and how powerful and emotional and unique her music was.
Nell was right beside her, a calming presence, as ever.
Nell looked so cool up there too in her sleeveless t-shirt and I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude.
As women playing this type of music and putting such an emotional and queer vibe on top, it felt trailblazing.
Rona was the hottest new act and I couldn’t have been prouder of her.