Chapter 25 Getting to Him #2
“Shh…”
“I know you regret it and you think it’s a mistake, and…”
“Coco…” He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. “I got carried away, okay? I wasn’t thinking. I don’t know what… I don’t know what’s going on with me on this trip. I’m going crazy. I didn’t want to disrespect you. I didn’t mean to…”
“Disrespect?” A silent laugh comes out while I roll onto my back, staring at the ceiling. “This is unbelievable. I’m an adult, Marín, and responsible for my own desires! It wasn’t like you were taking advantage of me. I wanted it, I wanted to do what we were doing, I wanted more and…”
I feel him sit up and lean over me, his brow furrowed. “I know,” he cuts me off. “Me too. But you have someone in your head, and I’m just confused.”
I raise my eyebrows. “You’re confused?”
“So fucking confused,” he admits. “And horny. No, don’t look at me like that. I’m being really honest.”
“And what percentage of responsibility do I have in that?”
“None. It’s my fault.”
“That’s not what I’m asking… How much of that confusion, how much of that horniness, is about me?”
Marín bites his lip and looks at me. He looks at my mouth, my eyes, my mouth again.
“I can’t even answer that, but honestly, a lot of it is about you. I’m not saying it’s your fault or that you tried to or…”
“Marín.” I put my hand over his mouth. “You need to learn, sometimes, when you try to clear things up all the time, you shit the bed. Some things just clear themselves up, okay?”
I pull my hand back when he nods, and suddenly he’s stroking my wet hair.
“I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling because…because, fuck, I have no idea what I’m feeling.”
“Okay.”
“But I only stopped because…whatever you are, you’ll never be a hand job to me, a right here, right now, up against the wall.”
I smile—I don’t know why, because I feel like shit.
“Forgive me,” he says again.
“I mean, what exactly am I forgiving you for?”
“Well…” He flops down next to me. “For a lot of things. For not thinking, for prioritizing my cock over you… Think about it, Coco. I haven’t even kissed you.”
“You’re asking me to forgive you for not kissing me?” He can’t see me, but I must have an expression that could only be described as “baffled.”
“For treating you like this. For not doing it right. For not… I don’t know. I’m so confused.” He covers his face with both hands. “Forgive me.” I start to say he’s like a broken record, but he suddenly adds, “For leaving you wanting more.”
I look at him surprised. “That wasn’t very nice, was it,” I dare to say.
“No. It’s not very nice.”
He pulls his hands away and looks at me. A smile plays at both of our mouths. I can’t stay mad at him even in the middle of this shit storm.
“You forgive me?”
“If you never leave me wanting more again, yeah.”
“You’re an idiot.” He laughs. He rolls me toward him again and holds me. A few eternal moments of silence pass.
“I should hate you,” I mutter finally.
“I know.”
“But now, on top of everything, I feel bad for you.”
“Because of my blue balls?”
“No, idiot. I’m sorry you’re confused.”
“Oh, yeah. It’s a bummer,” he agrees.
“Well, yeah.”
“Total dog shit,” he adds.
“A nuisance.”
“A fucking twist of fate.” And I can tell he’s about to crack up, but I keep the game going.
“A real fuck-your-life moment.”
He stifles his laughter, and so do I.
“You’re so gross…always being the best. Fuck,” I groan.
“What about you… You’re pretty gross too.”
“Me? After all that!”
“Well, yes.” He smiles.
“Why?”
“I’ll tell you, but you have to promise me not to say anything after. Just close your eyes and go to sleep.”
“Sounds bad.”
“Promise…”
“Promise.” I try to sound revolted as I flip over in the bed, turning my back to him. “Why do I gross you out? Surprise me.”
Marín comes closer, spooning me from behind, puts his arms around my waist, and brings his mouth to my ear.
“How could you not? Stuck in my head, colonizing my life, making everything better. Coco, let’s be honest: You’ve set the bar so high that no girl will ever, never ever be good enough.
If I compare everyone to you, they’ll always lose.
And, jeez, I know I shouldn’t, and it’s bad that I do that all the time. Too much. How can I not be confused?”
I turn around. I look at him with my eyebrows raised so high I think they’re going to meet the hairline on the back of my head. I start to say something, but the only thing I can do is let out a pathetic noise that makes my chin tremble.
“Marín…” I manage to articulate.
He presses his thumb over my lips and shakes his head. “You promised. And that promise is for us. Keep it, please. Help me.”
For a few seconds, I don’t know what to do.
I should tell him. This is the moment. Fuck.
This is the fucking moment I’ve been waiting for for the last year.
Marín, I feel the same way. Fuck, Marín, you’ve made the bar so high that no one else even exists.
Let’s do it, let’s try it, let’s turn our house into the fucking home we want and ourselves into the couple that we’ve been rehearsing for years.
But he looks at me…and I know. I know this isn’t the moment. I know he needs to chew on it, accept it, understand it. He needs to come to the conclusion that he’s in love with me alone. But now I know. Marín is in love with me. He just needs to understand…because he will understand, right?
I give him a kiss on the nose, turn around, and close my eyes. I won’t be able to sleep, but I’m going to do whatever I can to keep my promise.