Chapter 12
Twelve
Emory
I heaved a sigh as I stared down at my phone. It was shitty of me to try and do this ‘break-up’ of sorts via text, but I wasn’t capable of doing it face to face. And maybe I owed Enoch as much, but I didn’t think I had the courage to say goodbye in person.
And I couldn’t just leave him, not after our non-date date the night before last. And especially not after Jae’s threats. I knew I wasn’t technically at fault if Enoch relapsed, but I didn’t want any more guilt if he did.
If it was as bad as Jae made it seem, then I really shouldn’t be giving him any more truths. I didn’t want to be the catalyst that sent him backwards in his recovery. If he was doing so well before I popped back into his life, then surely, he would continue to do better if I stayed out of it.
Enoch already warned me against leading him on. I needed to end it now before things got any further. It was just a matter of how to do this in the least traumatizing way possible.
Nothing I had drafted seemed right. Was there a ‘right’ way to tell someone that you didn’t want to be friends?
I should have been good at lying at this point, but when it came to Enoch I didn’t want to lie anymore.
There were too many lies already circling us, closing in and at the cusp of being exposed.
If I hadn’t let myself hope, if I hadn’t been so selfish, so weak, I would have pulled the trigger already and then I wouldn’t be stuck weaving another web of lies for Enoch to believe.
Enoch,
I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I want you to know that I apologize sincerely for hurting you, so I ask your forgiveness, not for my selfish desires, but so that you might find closure and stop holding onto the misplaced guilt I know that you feel as a result of my actions.
Forgive me for every lie I’ve ever told you.
For leading you on back then, for letting you believe that we had a future when I knew that I was going to be leaving for the job they had assigned me.
Forgive me for getting involved with you when I knew I was putting your life in danger by continuing to spend time with you and your family.
Forgive me for leaving you that voicemail instead of saying goodbye in person like I should have done weeks and weeks prior.
Forgive me for using your friendship as a crutch, for being selfish and using your kindness as a means to an end, for not thinking about how my actions would affect you.
And forgive me for not apologizing sooner, for not expressing my remorse the moment we ran into each other again.
For not making reparations for my hurtful actions.
For making excuses and continuing to lie to you by not being fully honest about the things that I’ve done.
I am eternally grateful for the chance that I was given to answer some of your questions and to give you this chance at closure, but it’s time that we both moved on in separate directions. I know that the future for you is bright and I wish you the best.
-Emory
I reread the message I finally sent before locking my phone and staring at the calendar on my wall.
1679.
Four years, seven months and four days.
No more counting. This was it. I’d already drafted an email to Lottie and Mason that would time-release send on Monday.
It was short but included the story I’d made up about moving back home to Oklahoma because my dad had died.
It was a little difficult to believe, considering I’d told them that I was in Anchorage to hide from my abusive family, but I couldn’t think of anything more creative that wouldn’t have them come looking for me.
My phone began vibrating and my stomach flipped. Of course he’s calling me. I should’ve seen this coming.
I declined the call and slumped against the counter.
It immediately rang and I silenced it again with a heavy sigh.
He’ll be okay. He has Jae. He doesn’t need me.
I took a last look around my apartment. It was furnished when WITSEC set me up here, clearly from the previous tenant based on the age of the furniture, but it was the first thing that had been mine, even though it never really felt like home.
I ignored another incoming call from Enoch, leaving my phone behind as I picked up my backpack from the counter. I pushed through the anxiety in my gut and left my apartment, not bothering to lock the door behind me.
I took the stairs down to the first floor and stepped outside, thankful that I hadn’t run into anyone.
I took several deep breaths to stave off the inexplicable sudden urge to cry as I walked down the sidewalk in the general direction of the mountains.
The idea was to hike and hike until I found a remote enough spot to do it.
I was counting on the animals eating my decaying body so it became unrecognizable in the event that someone came across it.
There had been a myriad of other options, but none of them mitigated the risks of being discovered.
I couldn’t put my friends through another suicide again.
I didn’t want them to find my body. Or even think to go looking for one.
And I had hoped that the way I was leaving was enough for them to not come looking for me.
It was warmer than usual today, the sun shining, causing a sweat to break out. I regretted wearing a sweatshirt and pants as I pushed up my sleeves to my elbows.
I cut through the park behind my building and turned onto the main road that would lead me closer to the trailhead I’d picked out to start my ascent into the Chugach Mountains.
I jumped back from the edge of the sidewalk, heart in my throat as a car pulled to a screeching halt beside me.
My eyes went wide as I stared at Enoch’s gaping face.
He rolled down the passenger window, “Get in!”
Cars behind him honked as they were forced to try and merge through traffic to go around him.
I blinked, the gun in my bag like a ticking time bomb.
I shook my head.
“Get in, Shiloh,” he said leaning over the console to open the door for me. “Before someone with road rage does something stupid.”
I eyed the traffic he was holding up and bit sharply into my bottom lip. Another car horn blared and with one last glance at his pleading face I slid into the passenger seat.
He pulled away from the curb as I pulled the door shut, putting a hand up in his rearview mirror in silent apology.
“Where were you going?”
I cradled my backpack in my lap as I clicked my seatbelt on to silence the alarm in the car.
“Where were you going?” I countered.
“To your apartment,” he answered.
I closed my eyes, letting my head fall back against the head rest.
“You scared me. That text…Are you leaving?”
I absently brushed my fingers over the fresh cuts on my thigh and took a moment to think.
The silence between us was heavy and I discreetly dug my nails into the burning cuts, my backpack blocking his view.
His cologne wafting around me was like a drug and I was already getting high off the scent. Already losing the will to get out of the car and climb up that mountain.
“What are you thinking about?” he suddenly asked when he stopped at a red light.
“About how much this sucks,” I said on a sigh.
“I’m sorry. This has got to be hell for you, and I shouldn’t have pushed you into talking about the past.”
“No,” I muttered digging my nails deeper. “Please, don’t apologize. This isn’t your fault. I just think it’s better if we both moved on. Separately.”
Enoch sighed and my heart pounded in my ears as I waited for him to say something.
“You always worry about everyone else. When’s the last time you did something for you?”
An empty laugh spilled out of my chest.
“I’m much more selfish than you think I am,” I finally said.
“Why don’t I believe that?”
“Probably because you don’t know even a fraction of the person I am, or the choices I’ve made.”
“I know that you chose to put your own life at risk to put some people in prison.” No. I didn’t. “I know that you chose to protect me from your life because you loved me. And maybe that’s what you’re doing now. Trying to protect me from whatever it is you think will hurt me about your past.”
“You make me sound like some martyr.”
“No. You’re just not as bad as you want me to believe you are.”
No, you’re just blind to who I really am.
“Is this really about what happened in Granby or is there something else you’re not telling me?”
I groaned under my breath and shook my head to myself.
“Please, you promised to be honest with me.”
Fuck me.
“I know about your sobriety,” I admitted.
There was a moment of silence before he spoke. “Well, now this makes sense. You’re worried about me relapsing?”
“I know it’s not technically my fault if you chose to drink, but I can’t help but think about the negative impact I will have on your life. I don’t want…” I sighed, relishing the sting of my cuts for a moment. “I don’t want to be responsible for any more pain in your life. I won’t hurt you again.”
My chest caved as he tried to reach out for me but I moved out of his reach.
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be,” I muttered, eyes cast on my lap.
Enoch chuckled. Why the hell is he laughing? I looked over at him to find him staring at me. He turned his eyes back to the road, “So, I don’t get a choice here? You’ve just decided for me that we can’t even be friends because you’re dangerous for my sobriety?”
“Enoch, I’m not just dangerous to your sobriety.
I’m dangerous period. I wish that I could permanently erase every fucked-up thing I’ve ever done.
But I can’t fucking escape it. It’s burned into my fucking DNA.
I’ll always be this person…and I can’t change that.
I will always be a danger to anyone who is in my life, especially now that—” I cut myself off, shaking my head.
“Just, especially now. There is no reason for us to continue seeing each other.”
Enoch didn’t hesitate to respond. “We’ve all made mistakes, Shiloh.
You think I’m perfect? I’m far from it. I’ve spent the last four years running away from my problems, I let myself get addicted to alcohol and nearly died in the process.
I’m not perfect either. I’m human. And so are you.
And I told you…I’ve already forgiven you. For everything.”
“Really?” I scoffed and glanced over at his face. “It’s not that simple. You can’t…I didn’t do anything to earn it.”
“Because you don’t have to.”
I huffed in frustration, my hands itching for something sharper to purge these feelings from my body. Purge the wickedness from my veins. Make me clean enough to be worthy of him, worthy of living.
“See. This-this is exactly why I don’t deserve to be around someone like you. You’re too damn nice. You always have been. And I’m just gonna fuck up your life again if I stay in it.”
My stomach dropped as we pulled onto Enoch’s street.
“I’m sorry, but you’re wrong,” he said, putting the car in park in his driveway.
“I’m wrong?”
“Yes. And I’ll tell you why if you just come inside and talk to me.
It doesn’t have to end like this, Shiloh.
I can see how much this is killing you, keeping it all inside.
I can’t force you to tell me, to let me share this burden, or to forgive yourself…
but I want you to try. And I want you to stop worrying about how it will affect me.
I know it was Jae who told you, and I want you to ignore whatever he said.
I know myself better than anyone and I know that if I relapsed, Shiloh, that would be no one’s fault but my own. ”
“Do you have zero concern for your life? Why are you doing this? Why am I so important to you? You don’t know me, Enoch.
You really don’t. And I don’t want to ruin whatever version of me you think is worth all this effort by telling you everything.
Because dammit, Enoch, I want you to walk away from this still believing that I was a good person.
I want you to believe that. I do. But that’s not going to happen if I say it all out loud.
I don’t think—no, I know I won’t be able to stand the look on your face when you realize you’ve put someone from your past on a pedestal that has never deserved it.
I don’t want to hurt you anymore. So, please…
please, I need you to just. Let. Me. Go. ”
Enoch’s jaw twitched as he looked out his window. The tension pulled taught as he turned back to face me.
“No,” he said with finality. “Come inside. Come inside and let me prove it to you. Everything has led us to this moment together and I will not let you throw away this chance that God has given us. Friends…or more. That’s up to you.
But I’m not going to let the past prevent us from having a future. ”
Enoch exited the car, walked around the front, and opened my door. He held out his hand and my eyes flared with anger.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I gritted out.
His shoulders dropped as he stared down at me, “Because this isn’t the end. Because I’m not letting you go this time. Because I won’t let you do whatever it is you were planning when I found you on the side of the road.”
My stomach plummeted to the floor and I swallowed roughly.
I eyed his hand, my mind at war with my selfish heart.
It didn’t feel like my own volition when I placed my sweaty palm into his.
Something had come over me, and it was too late to turn back as he pulled me from the car and laced our fingers together, leading me inside his house.
I was in a daze, one hand still clutching my backpack, as I followed his movements and slipped off my shoes.
My heart was racing out of my chest as we climbed the stairs, and I cursed, running into Enoch’s back as he abruptly stopped before the final landing.
I steadied myself with the railing, “Enoch?”
When he didn’t immediately respond, I peered around him to find Jae standing at the kitchen island staring at me with a death glare.
Fuck.