Chapter 13 #3
I resisted the self-preserving, cowardly urge to run away. I needed to hear what he had to say. Needed to destroy any hope of preserving the only part of Enoch I was deserving of, the imaginary version of him in my head.
“I remember now. Remember you asking me if a murderer would get to go to heaven. I…” he paused to clear his throat. “I never in a million years would have thought you were asking because of the guilt you felt yourself.”
I swallowed, my heart racing. Just get it over with, dammit. Fucking say it. Say it!
“You have to know that you’re not at fault here. You were forced to do all of that. In the eyes of the law and I’m certain in the eyes of God, you aren’t to blame. You did what you had to do to survive, Shiloh.”
I shook my head, his reasoning unreliable.
“I still killed him. I still took someone’s life. I could’ve chosen to take my own life. But I didn’t. I was selfish and didn’t want to die.”
“And I’m glad that you didn’t,” he said through more tears, firmly squeezing my thighs. “I’m glad that you’re here now. I’m glad that your heart is still beating, that you’re safe. And I’m proud that I get to be the one who knows how fucking strong you are.”
My chest ached and I ground my teeth together. Maybe it just wasn’t sinking in yet.
Why can't he just make this a clean break? Am I just destined to suffer over and over again? Is this part of my punishment?
“You don’t mean that,” I whispered on choked breath.
“I do. I do, dammit.”
I closed my eyes against the burning of forming tears and shook my head. Enoch’s hands cradled my face.
“Shiloh, look at me.” He waited until I opened my eyes and captured my stare.
“You’re not irredeemable. Not to me. Not to God.
I don’t need to know every decision you’ve ever made to know what’s in your heart.
I know you. Maybe not every single thing about you.
But I know that at your core you are good.
You are a good person regardless of whatever you were forced to do.
” His thumb brushed my cheek, sending a shiver down my spine.
“You are good, Shiloh. And I’ll say it for the rest of eternity, as long as it takes for you to believe it. ”
Impossible. This isn’t real. He isn’t real. I’m dreaming. This is a fucked-up nightmare. Or I’ve died and accidentally gone to heaven instead of hell.
He huffed a sigh and reached to grab my wrists from my waist. He unfurled my clenched fists, turning my palms upwards to reveal the angry, bloody half-moons I’d made. He leaned forward, pressing his lips in a soft kiss against the stinging marks.
My heart skipped a beat and the urge to cry was overwhelming. I wasn’t worthy of his comfort, yet I craved it like a drug. Craved the feeling of being loved, for just a moment.
“You don’t deserve to keep punishing yourself,” he said, his breath skating over the burning marks on my palm.
The sound of footsteps entering the room had both of our gazes locked on Jae. His face was ashen and he held the wall like he might pass out.
“I made a mistake,” he rasped. “Please. Shiloh. Just forget everything I said, okay? I was a dick. I was mad for all the wrong reasons. I shouldn’t have said those things to you.
I didn’t even mean half the shit I said.
I let my own guilt and anger cloud my judgement and I wanted you to be the scapegoat.
Ugh, I feel like shit for what I said to you.
Please, please, please, forgive me. I didn’t… I’m so fucking sorry. Please.”
Jae’s eyes shined with fresh tears, and I could see the genuine remorse in his eyes. I looked between the two of them, mouth parted with shock.
“You fuckers are insane, you know that?” I laughed in disbelief, trying to force my own tears back. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. “I tell you I killed someone and you apologize?”
Jae winced, placing a hand on his stomach.
“Please. Can we stop talking about…” He shuddered.
“A drill? Through his toe—” he cut himself off, covering his mouth as he gagged.
“No, I need something happy. We need something happy. Now. If I need those images out of my head, I can only fucking imagine how badly you need them out of your head, Shiloh.”
Jae stalked over with determination and joined Enoch on the floor, one arm over Enoch’s shoulder the other around my waist.
He leaned his head on Enoch’s arm, letting out a groan.
“Please. Someone say something happy. Nox?”
Enoch let out a watery laugh, squeezing my hand in his.
“Fuck it,” he muttered under his breath before raising his eyes to mine. “I love you.”
What did he just say? I stared into his brown eyes in shock. No. He didn’t. He can’t.
Jae sighed. “I love you guys, too.”
A moment of silence passed before Jae popped his head up. “Hello? It’s your turn.”
My brows bunched and I stared. I must be dreaming. Maybe I’m going into shock. A hallucination?
“What the fuck is going on right now,” I panted out. Fuck. Calm down. Breathe. Breathe, dammit. You will not cry. You don’t deserve to cry.
“I love you guys, too,” Jae squealed in a voice that was probably meant to be mine.
“No, you’re supposed to tell me to leave. Not tell me you love me. What the fuck? Where’s all that fucking vitriol you’ve been spewing? I fucked up your lives, remember?”
Jae cringed and I could see the apology about to spill from his tongue.
“Don’t. Don’t fucking apologize again.”
Jae’s face was full of pity and my chest caved.
“How can you love—” my voice cracked around the lump in my throat. “I’m toxic. You were right, Jae. You guys know the truth and-and you’re risking your own safety for no reason.”
“Shiloh, you are not toxic,” he glared at Jae before returning his soft eyes to mine. “You are not responsible for anything that happened after you left. Those were my decisions, my immaturity, my inability to ask for help. None of that is on you.”
“He’s right. I know I fucked up with how I’ve treated you recently, but I do love you. Platonically, of course,” he said with a glance at Enoch. “No offense.”
“No, you don’t. You can’t love this version of me.”
“Yes,” Enoch said. “We do. This version of you is just as loyal, strong, loving, frustratingly self-sacrificing, intelligent, resilient—”
I slapped my hand over his mouth to shut him up. He chuckled kissing my palm and I pulled my hand back, staring in silence, trying to wrap my brain around the fact that these two people cared enough about me to love me. Still love me, even after knowing some of the darkest parts of me.
“Ice cream?”
I blinked at the rapid change in topic. My heart still pounding in my ears.
Enoch gently shoved Jae so he fell back onto his butt.
“What?” Jae laughed weakly. “We need some sugar to cope.”
Jae hopped up, some renewed sense of energy or something, or maybe he was forcing it to try and break the awkward tension.
Enoch rose to his feet and pulled me to stand as well. His arms encircled my waist, and he leaned his forehead against my own.
“Even when you don’t love yourself. Even when you don’t believe it. I still love you.”
He squeezed me tighter to his chest and I bit down on my lip, closing my eyes in an attempt to prevent any tears from forming. I took a deep breath of his scent. And another. And another. Until my lips were no longer tingly, until the lump in my throat subsided.
I blamed it on the shock, on the prayer that this was a dream, that I’d wake up soon, when I finally gave in.
I wrapped my arms around his back, my fists clinging to his shirt.
Like if I held on tight enough this moment would never slip away.
I could live with his words on a loop in my head forever.
I still love you.
I still love you.
I still love you.