Chapter 14 #3
I hooked my arm around his neck, pulling his body towards mine.
He caught himself from crushing me with his hands on the back of the couch, his knees sinking into the cushion.
I flipped down onto my back, pulling him with me.
He grunted as his body followed mine. Our lips were a breath away.
Enoch’s brown eyes studied my own as my heart pounded with fear and anticipation.
I knew what I wanted, and by the small uptick of the corner of his mouth, he knew it too.
At last, I closed the distance and let our lips touch. I meant to be gentle and fast, but when Enoch’s lips parted, I couldn’t help myself.
Years. I’d been daydreaming about this moment for years and nothing could compare to the rush of the real thing. The way everything felt right, like the rest of the world had ceased to matter and we were the only thought that consumed every cell in my body.
He tasted like mint and chocolate, and I smile against his mouth.
He adjusted his position, removing the weight of his body off my own.
“No, don’t,” I mumbled against his lips. I used my heels to press into the back of his knees causing him to sink back over me. “I like the pressure.”
He leaned onto one arm, moving a piece of hair out of my face as he stared down at me. “Okay. Just tell me if you can’t breathe.”
I nodded, pulling him by the neck back down to my lips. I focused on the weight of his body, the gentle yet firm pressure of his lips moving with mine, the smell of his cologne.
I needed the reminders that this was real. That I wasn’t making this up in my mind.
Enoch’s hand never strayed from where he had it tucked into the hair at the base of my skull. He never moved his body to gain friction. He simply kissed me, slow and steady. Like that was enough, like the intimacy started and ended here, with no other expectations.
When it finally felt like my lungs couldn’t expand anymore, I gently nudged his shoulder, and he pulled back. His eyes opened and a lazy smile overtook his face.
“What should we do?” he asked.
I licked my lips with a shrug.
“Sleep? Or you want to watch something.”
“Where would I sleep?”
“Well, we could sleep here on the couch, it pulls out to about the size of a queen bed. Or we can sleep in my room.”
My eyes narrowed and he fidgeted with a strand of my hair. “I’m not leaving you to sleep by yourself. I promise no funny business. I’ll stay on my side of the bed if that’s what you want.”
I chewed my lip, thinking it over. The couch was relatively comfortable, but a bed would obviously be more comfortable.
Stop. What the hell are you doing, Shiloh? You should have been at least halfway up a mountain by now.
“Why do you have to sleep in the same room as me? You’re keeping me hostage here, can’t I get some privacy?”
Enoch stared at me for a long, silent pause. “Why do you need privacy unless you’re going to do something that you shouldn’t?”
“Enoch,” I huffed. “I will not be controlled by you.”
“I’m not controlling you, Shy,” Enoch said with a raised brow as he stared down at me.
“I’m controlling whether or not you can do something harmful to yourself.
And I’m sorry if that sucks, or whatever, but you’ve not given me many reasons here to believe that you don’t already have a plan.
Whether that’s to leave Anchorage or leave this world, I haven’t decided, but based on the text you sent me, based on the fact that I saw you walking, alone, away from your apartment, and you are really freaked out by the fact that I still haven’t let you have your backpack back… I’d say it was the latter.”
I closed my eyes, the sting of tears frustrating me further. “Why are you doing this to me?”
“Because I love you,” Enoch said matter-of-factly. “And I’m not going to lose you. Again.”
I sighed, loudly, and narrowly avoided trying to claw at the most recent cuts to my thigh.
“You don’t think were, I don’t know, moving too quickly?
I mean, not that we’re, like, together or anything…
I just mean, after everything I’ve shared, aren’t you even a little bit concerned that you just kissed a murderer?
Or that you don’t know everything I’ve done?
I could…I could be a serial killer for all you know. ”
“Too quickly for who?” I shrugged, avoiding looking directly at him.
“There’s no timeline here, but whatever feels right to us.
I know we just kissed, and yes I know that I kissed someone who was forced to take someone else’s life, but there’s no pressure here, either, Shy.
I’m not going to try anything, hell, I’m not even expecting you to ever kiss me again.
We’ve slept in the same bed many times before.
There’s nothing wrong with doing that tonight.
It’s not a marriage contract. It’s just sleep, Shy. ”
I rolled my eyes and gasped as his hand tipped my chin up to meet his eyes.
“So, bed or couch?”
I grumbled in my chest with another eyeroll. “Fine. The bed would be nice.”
He grinned, giving me a quick peck on the forehead before climbing off of me.
“Let me make sure the house is all locked up. You can do whatever you need to do to get ready for bed. There’s a spare toothbrush in the middle drawer in my bathroom. And if you want to shower there’s fresh towels in the hall closet. Wait, are you hungry?”
I shook my head, grasping the hand he held out to me, and allowed him to pull me to stand.
I made my way back to his bedroom, easily finding the spare toothbrush as he said in the bathroom drawer.
I tried not to overthink as I brushed my teeth.
It wasn’t easy knowing Enoch could read me, read my intentions of self-harming to cope.
Or the fact that I might have been planning to take my life tonight.
And as strange as it was to spend the night with him after so much time apart, it felt incredibly normal. A glimpse of what life could’ve looked like if we had grown together the last few years.
I startled as I found him standing behind me in the mirror.
“Sorry,” he said, gently squeezing my hip. “Are you comfortable in what you’re wearing?”
I looked at my outfit in the mirror and internally groaned. I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt beneath my hoodie, and I wasn’t ready for him to see my skin when it was still healing from my accident, and I didn’t know what my arm looked like after my stint in the bathroom.
“Can I borrow a long-sleeved shirt and some pajama pants?”
“Of course,” he smiled. “Left middle drawer in my dresser. Pick anything you like.”
I nodded, bending to rinse my mouth in the sink. I left him to brush his teeth and stepped into his bedroom. The drawer was filled with options, and I grabbed the first things I touched.
“I’m just gonna change real quick in your closet,” I called out.
“Okay.”
I closed myself in his walk-in closet, taking a moment to peruse his hanging clothes and objects stacked on the shelves.
Once I’d removed my top, I ran my fingers over the red marks I’d left on my shoulder.
I clenched my jaw, taking a steadying breath before shucking my bra and putting on his shirt.
I changed into a pair of dark grey sweats before I folded my clothes and opened the closet door.
Enoch was sitting on the edge of the bed and looked up at me.
His eyes scanned me head to toe with a small smile before he caught my eyes again.
“Do you need to charge your phone?”
I shook my head, afraid I might inadvertently say something to indicate further to Enoch just how far I had gotten with my plan.
Enoch nodded, standing to turn off the overhead light. He closed the door and turned to face me.
“Just closing it to keep the light out. But I can leave it open if you want?”
I shook my head and climbed onto the side of the bed that looked the least used.
The bed jostled as Enoch joined me in the now mostly dark room. Some daylight escaped through the seams of the black-out curtains allowing me to make out the shape of his body.
Enoch laid down with a sigh and rolled onto his side to face me.
I joined him, laying down, my hand tucked beneath my head under the pillow.
“Do you have to work in the morning?” he asked with a whisper.
“No,” I whispered back.
“Good. You can sleep as long as you like.”
Enoch’s arm reached out but stopped halfway to my body and he dropped it back onto the mattress.
“I’ve got church in the morning,” my heart stopped, “at 9:30. You’re welcome to come with us or I can drop you at home.”
I forced myself to breathe normally. It’s not the same church. They don’t have a congregation here in Anchorage. Stop freaking out.
“Church?”
“Yeah. I know it’s different, they worship on the sabbath, Saturday. But I’ve really enjoyed my time since I started going.”
I pulled my hair off of my neck, sweat starting to tickle the base of my skull. I never thought I’d step foot in another church, not after Reformation.
“No pressure. You can decide in the morning, okay?”
I nodded, taking a deep breath. “Sure. Night, Enoch.”
“Goodnight, Emory.”
I realized that was the first time he’d called me Emory all night and a sudden longing had my eyes stinging. I missed my old name. I missed the sound of his voice and the way the letters rolled off his tongue. The only time I ever loved my name was when he said it.
I was always adamant that Shiloh was buried and finished, but hearing my old name so much the last two weeks made my heart ache for that part of me I didn’t choose to give up. I was and always would be Shiloh Magdalena, if only I could have kept my name.