Chapter 14 #2
The air in my lungs felt trapped, pressure rapidly building in my chest like a scream about to bubble up.
“Don’t be nervous, my love.”
I swallowed against the pressure. Every stroke of his fingers made me want to crawl out of my own skin and I stifled the urge to squirm.
“You were made for me. Every inch designed by a perfect God just for me. Tonight, when we’re finally alone, I will get to taste just how sweet you really are.”
I could feel his hot breath on my neck as he whispered his idea of sweet nothings into my ear.
Feel the overwhelming urge to remove his hand from my body.
Feel the eyes of the guests on us as they watched our wedding reception unfold.
Feel the fear of making my first mistake as his wife.
Feel the disgust for what was to come that night.
“Mrs. Theodore Walsh. Say it. I want to hear my name on your lips.”
Fuck. Stop. Stop. Stop.
“Get off me!”
I was up and off the couch, tripping over the blanket Enoch had tossed across our laps in my scramble to leave the room. My heart was pounding like he was there with me. Ready to punish me for screaming at him.
“Hey,” Enoch called out, and I froze on instinct, halfway across the room.
“Forgive me for yelling at you. I was disrespectful.” The words spilled out like a knee-jerk reaction.
It’s not him. He’s not here.
It was too hot, there wasn’t enough fucking air in the room to breathe. I sucked down what little air I could, desperate to rid myself of the phantom weight of his hand still on my shoulder.
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Enoch asked, his voice just behind me.
I rubbed my arm like it was going to make the sensation stop, but it didn’t work. I wanted to scream. I wanted to peel the skin from my muscles and bones.
“No. I just need a minute,” I couldn’t stand still anymore, couldn’t explain anything with my whole body on the verge of imploding. I sped walked the rest of the way to the bathroom only to realize it was still completely gutted.
Fuck!
Enoch followed on my heels and the trapped feeling amplified.
I was stuck in the hallway Enoch behind me and the only way to turn was the bathroom and his bedroom.
In a rash decision I turned into his bedroom and ran into the en-suite, slamming the door behind me.
I quickly turned the lock. I pulled my shaking hands away from the door and turned on the faucet.
“Shiloh?”
Enoch was just on the other side of the door. My leg bounced as I stared at the honey wood.
Fuck.
I sucked in another lung full of oxygen trying to convince myself that I was okay.
“I’ll be out in a minute.” My voice cracked and I quickly cupped my hands under the water, swallowing past the lump in my throat that was urging me to release a sob.
I splashed the icy water onto my face.
You’re fine. You’re fine. You’re fine.
Just stop.
But that fucking touch. I couldn’t get rid of it. It was permanently there, lingering like a memento of him every second of the rest of my life.
I couldn’t resist any longer. I ripped off my sweatshirt and pressed my palm over the skin of my shoulder.
Please, God. Make it stop.
I waited one more second to see if maybe God would answer my prayer before silently screaming and digging my nails into my flesh.
I pretended I could actually remove the skin, cut off the nerve endings that were causing all the agony.
But it was all in my head. And hurting myself wasn’t going to change that fact.
It was only a momentary distraction. A second of reprieve to try and get my mind right.
The doorknob wiggled but held firm against the lock.
“Shiloh, please open the door. I need to know you’re okay.”
I shuddered through a deep breath.
“I just need a minute,” I called out as I removed my fingers from my skin and threw my hoodie back on. I took another breath.
Please God, I can’t take any more of this.
Jae’s muffled voice joined Enoch’s on the other side of the door.
“Shiloh, open the door right now or I’m going to kick it open.”
There was panic in Enoch’s voice, his threat sincere. I unlocked the door, turning away from him to pat my face dry on the towel hanging on the wall.
He stepped into the bathroom, his presence filling up the doorway and I knew he was staring me down.
“Did you hurt yourself?”
I cringed at the question, my shoulder throbbing like it could personally call out to him as evidence of my self-abuse.
I shook my head, finally turning to face him.
He studied my face before letting his eyes track down the length of my body.
Enoch grabbed my hands and inspected them, but I hadn’t broken skin.
He wouldn’t find any evidence this time.
“What happened? What did I do wrong?” he asked, letting me pull my hands from his grasp.
I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t want to have to explain myself either. I hated that I had barely scratched the surface of the well of secrets inside of my head.
“You don’t have to explain it. I just want to know what I did so I don’t do it again.” He spoke softly, and my chest ached.
“My shoulder,” I muttered, fidgeting with the cuff of my sleeve.
“When I was rubbing it, or how my arm was around your shoulders?”
I pressed my lips together, trying to ease the discomfort. “When you were,” I moved my fingers, “fidgeting or whatever you were doing.”
Enoch nodded his head like we weren’t talking about the fact that I just had a mini-panic attack over him touching me.
“Okay,” he said with a gentle smile. “Won’t happen again.”
He looked around the bathroom, no doubt looking for some evidence of what exactly I was doing in here, before raising his brow.
“Can we go back to the living room?”
I closed my eyes briefly before meeting his gaze and nodding.
I realized as I followed behind him that my breathing had returned to normal and I’d managed to successfully avoid a full meltdown.
Thank you, God.
Jae was waiting in the living room, and I avoided his stare as I returned to my seat on the couch.
“I got you some water,” Jae said, pointing to the glass on the coffee table.
“Thanks,” I muttered. I drained the glass, feeling awkward under their watchful eyes. Say it. Just fucking say it. You’re fine. Just fucking say it. “Sorry about that.”
My heart skipped a beat like it always did when I broke their rules, but I silently praised myself for getting the words out.
How many fucking years are you going to be a weak fucking puta and let them control you?
Three fucking years, Shiloh. And you still can’t fucking say you’re sorry like a normal human being.
Jae waved his hand in dismissal. “No big deal. Are you over the show? You want me to leave you guys alone?”
I looked to Enoch. “Whatever you want, Shy.”
I hadn’t heard that name in so long. My chest ached with nostalgia.
I shrugged, just wanting to no longer be the center of attention. “I’m tired. And it’s getting late. I need to head home.”
I knew that statement was going to give me issues, but it was the truth. I was exhausted, the whole day had been an endless carousel of anxiety and stress, and I just wanted off. Although, at this hour, my chance at making it all the way to the middle of nowhere in the mountains was next to zero.
There went my fucking plans.
He just had to ruin them.
Enoch and Jae shared a look before Jae stood from the couch. “I’ll, um, give you guys some space.”
I rolled my eyes and gave Enoch a glare.
“You already know what I’m about to say,” he said once Jae had left the room.
My jaw clenched and I shook my head at him. “That’s not fair. I want to leave.”
“Why?”
I groaned, watching as he took a seat on the edge of the coffee table directly in front of me.
“I just told you why. I’m. Tired.”
Enoch tilted his head, studying me, and I stifled the urge to leave the room. My fingers curled on autopilot to dig into my palms. It didn’t go unnoticed by Enoch.
“I just want you to be safe.”
He gave me a nod, like he had decided something without me.
“Look, today was a lot. I get that. And I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to trap you here. But, Shiloh,” his brown eyes flicked to my clenched fists, “you don’t have to suffer alone.”
He pulled my hands into his lap, unfurled my fists and gently stroked the scabbing indents.
“Isolation isn’t going to make the pain go away.”
I closed my eyes, my leg bouncing with anxious energy.
“If you’re here, I can be with you. I can help if you let me.”
“There’s nothing you can do, Enoch.”
“Yes, there is,” he pleaded. “Just stay here and let me comfort you.”
My eyes pricked with the onset of fresh tears, and I took a deep breath to stave them off.
“You’re safe here. I promise. You can sleep, cry, scream, whatever you need to do. Hell, break some dishes or throw some punches. Just do it here. With me.”
I opened my eyes, watching Enoch’s fingers trace my palms.
The sound of a dog barking outside filled my lack of response as I focused on releasing each muscle in my body. I let myself sink into the couch, let the soothing tickle of Enoch’s fingers across my skin make my eyes droop.
“Don’t think about me, or Jae, or WITSEC or what happened earlier. Be selfish if that’s what you want to call this, but whatever choice you make right now, let it be fully yours and not influenced by anyone else. Do you want to go? Or do you want me here with you?”
I want you. If I’m selfish and honest, I want you.
“I missed you,” I whispered, my chest aching.
Enoch sagged, releasing my hands to cup my cheek and pull my face to his.
“I missed you, too.”