Chapter 33
Thirty-Three
Enoch
After an hour-long deep dive during my lunch break at work today into this guy, Theo Walsh, I’d come to the sneaking conclusion that this church he ran was more than a little fishy.
It was obvious now that Shiloh had been referring to this Reformation Church when she talked about how they encouraged whipping or belting.
Not that any of that was found on their website, which led me to believe that either this pastor was doing shady stuff behind closed doors, or the whole church was doing shady stuff.
Either way I still hated the guy and couldn’t believe she was married to him for over a year.
I stopped pounding the heavy bag, resting my forehead against the material as I held onto it. My hands were aching from hitting the bag. I was panting hard, my heart racing as sweat dripped down my chin.
I could still hear Shiloh’s cries about not going into the bathtub, her fervent prayers for God to help her grow a child.
My stomach clenched with an anger so fierce it made me nauseous.
I knew from experience that just like I’d told Shiloh to do, these emotions would eventually subside, I just needed to ride the wave.
And right now, that wave was still a fucking tsunami.
I stood up, ready to beat the shit out of the bag again when something caught my eye in my periphery.
“Oh,” I muttered with surprise, dropping my gloved hands back to my sides. “Sorry. I didn’t hear you come in. Is it too loud?”
My dad shook his head, remaining where he was leaned, arms crossed against the door frame.
“You look good. You’ve packed on some muscle.”
I shrugged. “Thanks.”
I cleared my throat, my heart still thumping loudly in my chest, and used my teeth to rip the Velcro off one of my gloves. I slipped my hand out, flexing the aching joints before grabbing my water bottle from the ground.
“You want to have a go?” I asked, motioning towards the heavy bag.
My dad eyed the equipment considering it before shaking his head.
“Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. We can spar…so long as there’s no chokeholds involved.”
My ears flamed and I cringed, shuffling my feet.
“Yeah. Sure. No chokeholds.”
My dad chuckled, studying me before turning on his heel. “I’ll let you get back to it,” he said over his shoulder.
I nodded slowly, slightly disappointed that he hadn’t wanted to stay. “Wait!”
My dad turned back with a raised brow.
“Um,” I cleared my throat, fidgeting with my water bottle. “Are you mad at me?”
My dad balked. “What? No. Not at all. Why would you think that?”
“I…well, I’ve been…distant. And we haven’t really had the chance to talk since you’ve gotten here. And I get it if you’re disappointed in me or whatever, I just…I was hoping you weren’t angry or avoiding me.”
My dad pursed his lips, crossing his arms as he once again leaned against the door frame.
“I’m not angry, bud. I’m disappointed, but not in you. In myself. I feel like I failed you, back then, when you were grieving. I think maybe I was too hard you on, I…” my dad cleared his throat, glancing around the garage. “I thought maybe you resented me, for not doing more for you.”
“Fuck no. You’re the most incredible father, the best father I could have ever asked for.
I don’t resent you for how hard you pushed me after Shiloh’s death.
I needed to go through that, needed to go through the last four years.
” I smiled softly to myself, Rick’s words ringing in my mind as I repeated them.
“Sometimes God gives a valley not just for ourselves, but for others. He uses our story so we can share it with others, use the experiences to help someone else in a similar valley. And I’m doing that now; I see the purpose.
If I hadn’t gone through everything, I wouldn’t have been forced to grow, in maturity, in my faith, and in my ability to use that pain for good. ”
My dad cleared his throat again, blinking away glassy eyes. “I’m so proud of you. Of the man you’ve become. I’ve…I’ve missed you, Enoch. I know you’re not a kid anymore, but I still miss you.”
I put my bottle on the ground and moved to walk towards my dad. He uncrossed his arms and we both stared, an awkward silence passing.
“Can I…can I have a hug?”
My dad sighed with a soft chuckle, and we met in the middle, his arms slinging around my back.
“You’re lucky I love you so much, that I’m willing to hold you this close when you stink.”
I laughed, forcing back the urge to cry.
“I’ve missed you too, Dad.”
My dad put his hand on the back of my head, pulling me back to hold me in front of his face. “I’m here. You can always talk to me. Alright?”
I swallowed, guilt swarming through my stomach like a snake. “I love you too.”
He smiled, pressing his forehead to my own for a moment before kissing my cheeks three times like he used to do when I was a small child. My throat blocked and I swallowed around the lump.
Fuck, this hurts.
July 29, Wednesday
Enoch
I released a long sigh, untying my laces as I eavesdropped on Baba and Benji holding some semblance of a conversation in the living room above me.
I couldn’t be sure, but it sounded like a mix of Russian, Spanish and English.
The rest of the house was strangely quiet and when I made it to the top of the stairs I realized why.
Out on the deck were all the men in the family, surrounding the grill.
My dad threw his head back in laughter, bringing a bottle of beer to his lips after he said something that had the rest of the group laughing.
I watched their carefree smiles, watched how my dad clapped Sebastian on the back with a smile.
Watched how Sebastian turned, letting me see that they all had a bottle of beer in their hands.
Fuck.
I jumped when Baba stepped into my line of sight.
“Hey, welcome home. We’re just waiting on Jae,” she said with a smile, “and then we can kick this family dinner off.”
I nodded absently, my eyes straying to the sliding door where Sebastian was entering the house.
“Oh, hey! You’re home,” he smiled widely, and I could tell just by looking at him that he’d had enough alcohol to give him the relaxed and friendly aura he was emanating.
Fuck, that’s what I needed. To be relaxed. To step outside and join the guys. Crack jokes, act normal.
He grabbed the metal tongs from the counter, stepping towards the fridge. “I’ll grab you a beer. Come join us outside.”
Jae was going to blow a gasket when he got home because I knew he didn’t bring that alcohol into our sober household.
“Nox?” he called.
“Y-yeah. Sure.”
I stared as he grabbed a beer from the fridge, eyes zeroed in on the label. Fuck. It’s good beer too.
It’d be so easy—to go outside and accept the beer Sebastian offered.
Sebastian popped the cap off with a bottle opener he took from the keychain in his pocket. Even the hiss of the cap popping off had my heart leaping, my mouth salivating.
I needed to move. I need to walk away. I needed to take back the last five seconds and tell Sebastian no thanks, but as he held the bottle out to me, my hand was already moving of its own accord.
The cold condensation on the bottle was a balm to my sweaty palm. Sebastian threw an arm around my shoulder and before I could process what was happening, I was outside on the patio, all the men in my life that I looked up to greeting me with smiles.
Wasn’t this a rite of passage? Drinking with your old man?
What was one beer? One beer with my family, one beer to take the edge off, to get me feeling like the old me, the one who enjoyed the company of his family, the one who always smiled, who wasn’t an asshole that had deserted his family.
Jae wasn’t even here. I could just be normal.
Sebastian removed his arm, allowing my dad to knock his shoulder with mine.
“Work okay?” my dad asked, leaning back against the deck railing.
The smell of the beer had permeated the air, singed my nose hairs. I fucking tasted it on my tongue. My neck itched with sweat as I glanced down at the beer in my hand.
“Nox?” Ded called.
My eyes flicked up, bouncing between them all like I’d just been caught doing something wrong. My heart raced.
Fuck. What am I doing?
Benji banged against the slider glass, and it was enough to get me to shake myself from my trance.
“Be right back,” I mumbled, spinning on my heel and heading inside. I placed the beer on the counter like it had burned me.
I went straight to my bedroom, intent on trying to get a fucking grip on my damn emotions. I wanted to rewind the clock five minutes.
Fuck! I’d taken the beer. It was in my fucking hands.
I nearly took a sip.
If I had just said no, I wouldn’t have been so fucking stupid. I should have just said no.
I stopped in my tracks, blinking at the sight of my sister on my bathroom floor, the entire contents of the bathroom sink spread out on the floor in a mess.
“What the fuck?” I muttered before I could filter myself.
“Oh shit,” Esty hissed, wide-eyed as she turned to stare at me. “It’s not what it looks like. I swear. I wasn’t snooping. I was watching Benji. He was just supposed to be napping in here, but I guess he woke up and then got into,” she looked around her, “well, everything. I’m putting it all back.”
I ran a hand roughly through my hair.
“It’s fine,” I grumbled, unbuttoning my uniform coat.
Maybe if I changed my clothes, it would give me enough time to calm down.
Give me time to get my head on straight.
To stop thinking about how badly I wanted to go back out there, to just drink a beer like the rest of my family.
Jae wouldn’t even have to know. I could finish it before he came home.
The rest of my family would be none the wiser.
“Is there a reason you keep this many menstrual products under your bathroom sink,” she called out.
I froze, heart pounding.