Chapter 33 #2
“Are you dating someone?” she asked with a hint of amusement, or maybe it was excitement, completely unaware of the fact that her question had just shoved me closer to the edge.
The one I’d stepped onto the moment I saw the beer in my dad’s hand, and the one I was teetering on after having the beer in my own hands, the smell, the taste still lingering in my mouth like I’d actually taken a sip.
My brows bunched. Shit. I hadn’t taken a sip, had I? Why the hell did my mouth taste like I had?
Sweat poured out of me and my stomach clenched.
Fuck, I’m fucking everything up.
“Hello? Nox? You don’t gotta lie. It was pretty obvious. I mean, Eden said she found a scrunchie and two toothbrushes in here. Last time I checked, you don’t have enough hair to need a scrunchie.”
I flinched. Why didn’t I think about that? Why didn’t I fucking think about all the little things Shiloh might have left behind when she went back to her place.
What the hell was I thinking? I should never have allowed them to come stay here. I should’ve made them get a hotel. I should’ve…
“Earth to Enoch,” Esty sing-songed.
“Get out,” I said, looking up to meet her shocked gaze.
“What?”
“Get the fuck out of my room.”
Esther’s jaw dropped but she didn’t move. I was a ticking time bomb, any second now I was going to explode. I clenched my jaw.
Anger was easier to feel than the guilt, so I held onto it. Didn’t matter that I was really angry at myself, everyone around me was a target, in the blast radius. I couldn’t stop it now.
“What’s your problem?” she asked, her tone not unlike the one I remembered from when we were children—annoyance and a hint of arrogance, like she had the right to know every little thing about me.
“Did mom not teach you the fucking definition of privacy?”
I spun on my heel, grabbed a duffle bag from the top shelf of my closet and began stuffing it with a change of clothes.
I moved to my dresser, shoving in some underwear, socks and pajamas.
I ignored Esther as she gaped at me, stepping around all the shit on the ground to grab my toothbrush from the cup inside the bathroom cabinet.
I needed to get out. Needed to leave before Jae came home. Before I had to deal with the confrontation I knew would occur once Jae saw the beer, once they responded to his questions, once he knew that I had accepted one.
It didn’t matter that I hadn’t drank any of it, I’d crossed a line I promised myself I’d never even get to.
It was one thing to think about it, crave it, daydream about a world in which I could enjoy alcohol without it ruining my life, but to actually accept it, hold it in my hands, nearly bring the bottle to my mouth… I’d fucked up.
“Nox, I’m sorry,” she whispered.
I kept my mouth shut, knowing full well if I opened it again nothing good was going to leave it.
Just get out, Enoch. Leave before you do something else stupid.
She tried to reach for my hand, but I was already moving, taking long strides to make it to the front door. I ignored Baba who was asking me where I was going as I bounded down the stairs and slipped into my unlaced boots.
I ignored my mom, my sister, my niece, and my aunt as they walked up the driveway.
Until I realized they’d boxed me in.
“Fuck,” I spat, clenching the car keys into my hands painfully.
“Watch it!” Eden admonished. “You don’t need to be dropping f-bombs in front of my kids, Nox.”
Shame was burning through my chest as I clenched my jaw.
“Please, can one of you move the car? Now.”
“Where are you going? We’re about to eat,” my mom asked with bewilderment.
I was fucking vibrating from trying to keep myself from lashing out again.
But if I didn’t leave now, I’d be stuck here, Jae would come home, I’d have to explain why he was freaking out about the alcohol, have to tell my parents the truth—no, not just my parents, my whole fucking extended family.
They’d know. They’d know I was a failure.
That I was weak. That I’d made a stupid, dumbass decision and almost broke my nearly one-year sobriety just because I didn’t want to feel left out.
Because I wanted to feel connected to the family that I had shoved a giant wedge between.
Because I missed the person I used to be and believed that alcohol would solve the problem even when I knew it’d only cause me a million and one more.
“I’ve got to take care of something. Can you move the car or give me the keys so that I can do it for you?” I asked through clenched teeth, a bite to my tone that was anything but polite.
“Seriously Nox, knock it off. Don’t talk to mom like,” Eden said with a level of authority she’d only perfected since becoming a mother herself.
“Just move the damn car!” I shouted, immediately regretting opening my mouth. I slammed my fist into my forehead.
Eden balked and Ruthie’s eyes went wide. Auntie gently pushed them to move, ushering them into the house. I could see the confusion, the hurt on my mom’s face as she stared at me. The wind blew her hair, and she swatted it out of her face with a huff.
“I know ya ain’t talkin’ to your mama like that for no good reason.”
I stifled the urge to shout again, opting to take a deep breath like I knew I should have done several times before now.
“I’m sorry for shouting. I just really need to take care of something. I’m in a hurry. Please.”
Something on my face softened her features and she sighed, fishing the keys from her purse.
“Here,” she said, walking towards me.
“Thank you,” I said on sharp exhale.
I left my duffle and backpack on the ground as I slipped into the rental car. I pulled it out, parking it on the street, before quickly walking back to my car.
My mom was still in the driveway. Staring at me with I’m sure a million questions, but I avoided looking at her face. I didn’t need another crack in my resolve.
I was leaving. I was going to stay sober.
And I was going to be shitty brother and let Jae deal with the alcohol in the house however he saw fit.
I was making a mess for him, making shit harder than it needed to be, but this was not the time for me to divulge this secret.
Not when I was acting like a prick who was pissed at his family for tempting him when they didn’t even know about the problem in the first place.
I pulled out of the driveway, my heart still pounding.
I needed to tell Jae before he blew up my phone but getting myself somewhere I could calm down was my first priority.
I wanted to go to Shiloh’s, but I wasn’t going to take my shit to her when she was in the throes of her own addiction battle.
She was already vulnerable and didn’t need any more stress on her plate.
I’d think about seeing her after I’d calmed down.
After I’d gotten these feelings to pass.
At the next red light, I pulled up Jae’s location, checking he wasn’t at home yet. I should have felt some relief, but there was fucking brick in my stomach. I navigated through my media console until I pulled up my recent calls, tapping on Jae’s name after a long moment of hesitation.
Jae answered on the third ring, and I forced the words out.
“I fucked up.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked, concern evident in his tone.
My knee bounced.
“There’s beer at the house.”
“Shit,” Jae cursed under his breath. “Okay. Where’d you put it? I’ll get rid of it.”
I swallowed, face on fire with shame. My gut twisted uncomfortably at how easily Jae was accepting the fact that I very well could have just relapsed.
“I didn’t buy it. It was there when I got home. Seb offered me a beer. I might have taken it.” Jae sucked in a breath and I rushed out, “But I didn’t drink it.”
Jae sighed, and I felt his relief through the phone line. “Okay. Okay. You didn’t drink?”
“No. I promise,” I implored, desperate for him to believe me.
There was a beat of silence before he spoke again. “Shit, your mom is calling me. Wanna tell me why?”
“I might have exploded on everyone, trying to get out of the house. I…it gets worse.”
“What?” he asked, impatient for answers I really didn’t want to have to give him.
“Esther and Eden know I have a girlfriend. They found some stuff in my bathroom and Esther confronted me on it and I might have bit her head off too.”
As I pulled into a parking lot, I realized I’d been driving on autopilot to an AA meeting.
I sighed. At least it wasn’t the parking lot of a liquor-store.
I drummed my fingers anxiously against the steering wheel.
Jae sighed heavily. “Where are you right now?”
“Just pulled up to a meeting.”
“Good,” Jae said. “Good.”
“I’m sorry to leave you with my mess.”
“No,” he says immediately. “It’s our mess. We’re family. I’ll make sure they get rid of the alcohol. I’ll tell them I don’t want it in the house because of religious reasons.”
“Religious reasons?” I asked.
“Yeah. We attend an SDA church, and they don’t drink alcohol,” he explained.
“Oh. Right. Yeah.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll have it out of the house by the time you get home.”
“I don’t,” I paused running a hand roughly through my hair. “I don’t think I’m going to come back tonight.”
“Oh.” I could hear the disappointment in his voice, but I couldn’t face my parents and sisters tonight.
“Fuck, I’m sorry, Jae. I know I’m being selfish. I know it’s shitty of me to make you keep this secret for me.”
“I promised you I’d wait for you to be ready to tell them. You’re not ready yet, so I’ll keep my mouth shut. Alright? Just take care of yourself. You going to Shiloh’s?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. My skin crawling with the cowardice I was displaying.
There was a long pause, and I checked to make sure the call hadn’t dropped.
“What do you want me to tell them about you not coming home? You said your sisters already suspect you’re seeing someone. Can I just tell them you’re at your girlfriend’s house?”