Chapter 38
Thirty-Eight
Enoch
I rolled over, stretching my arms above my head as I yawned. I blinked several times into the brightness of my room and realized I definitely slept later than I intended.
“Where is she?”
I sat up, startled and confused, blinking at Jae in my doorway. Why is his shirt on inside out?
“What? Who?” I asked, trying to figure out why the hell he was looking so freaked out.
“Shiloh! Where the fuck is she? Is she here?”
“Woah,” I stood from the bed, pulling on a pair of pajama pants from the floor. “What’s going on? She’s probably at home.”
“Fuck!” He ran his hand through his hair, pacing in front of me. “She’s hurt. Or something. I don’t know. Fuck! Listen.”
His hands were shaking as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it.
“What happened? Did she call you?”
“Shut up and listen!”
I snapped my mouth shut and he turned the volume all the way up on his phone. My heart raced, making me lightheaded.
“Hi Jae. It’s Shiloh. Um, fuck. Duh. You already know that.
Stupid caller ID and all that.” She laughed self-deprecatingly, and I eyed Jae, trying to figure out why the hell this warranted him freaking the fuck out.
“I, um…I wanted to say that you were right. You are an amazing friend. And I hope you know that you’re actually funny.
Enoch and I just pretend you’re not to fuck with you.
We laugh at your jokes when you’re not around.
But yeah…And I love you too. I probably should have told you that sooner.
But I was a pussy and, honestly, a little bit freaked out that you used the word so easily after only knowing me a month. ”
She sighed and my stomach dropped. I could feel in my gut that something bad was happening. My palms began to sweat.
“I want you to promise me that you’re going to stop Enoch from doing anything stupid.
” Fuck. No, no, no. “You gotta make sure he graduates and goes off to travel the world in the Air Force. Tell him to see Jason at the peer center if he’s struggling with algebra again.
Don’t tell him I said this, but he’s not bad at math, just has a shitty algebra teacher.
Maybe he can switch to Mrs. Granger next semester… ”
She trailed off and sighed again. I could hear shuffling on the other end of the line. No, Shiloh. Please. This isn’t what I think it is. It can’t be.
“Most importantly, make sure that he doesn’t blame himself for what happens.
I don’t care what you have to do, he’s got a thick skull…
just make sure he doesn’t blame himself.
You guys were the greatest friends I could have ever asked for.
So...thanks. And don’t cry. I’m not worth shedding any tears over, fucktrumpet. Bye.”
My heart was racing as I snagged my phone from the charger. One new voicemail. My chest hurt. I couldn’t breathe. This was some sick joke. Another nightmare. I looked up to find Jae had tears streaking his face.
“This was 3:17. When did she leave yours?”
I gulped, unlocking my phone. “3:32.”
My hands were shaking as I clicked her voicemail. Jae left, running down the hall. I could hear him pounding on my parents’ door. I held my breath and turned the volume all the way up. The microphone crackled and her voice filled the room.
“Hey, shitbird,” my lips twitched at the endearment. “I guess you’re sleeping.” Fuck, why did I sleep through her call? “I’m glad you didn’t answer actually.” Dread filled my stomach. “It’s better this way. I’ll get to savor the fact that the last time I’ll have heard your voice it was happy.”
No. Fuck. Shiloh. No, no, no. Don’t do this. Please.
“I just want you to know how fucking sorry I am. I’m sorry for leaving like this. I’m sorry for letting things go so far when I knew we weren’t going to be able to finish what we started.”
My eyes burned with tears as I quickly swiped away from the voicemail and clicked on her name in my contacts. My leg bounced uncontrollably. Answer Shiloh. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Sweat prickled the back of my neck.
The ringing stopped abruptly and went to voicemail. I called again. Straight to voicemail. I tried once more, my chest so tight I could hardly get a breath in. Fuck, Shy. Don’t do this to me.
My dad was suddenly in the doorway, his phone in his hand with a stricken expression. “I’m on hold with dispatch.”
Jae pushed into my room, grabbing my hand as he stood beside me. He was crying and I wanted to scream at him for overreacting. Shiloh’s fine. She’s fine.
“Officer, are you there?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ve got a unit attached to an incident matching your description but it’s to a house on Crescent.” Jae squeezed my hand. That’s her old house. “Seventeen-year-old female was announced DOA at 0357. Gunshot wound to the head.”
My legs gave out, falling onto my bed, pulling Jae down with me. I shook my head, tuning out the sounds of my dad hanging up with dispatch, and pulled up the voicemail from Shiloh. No. It’s not her. It’s not. She’s fine. This is a fucked-up nightmare.
“—finish what we started.” There was a pause of silence, and I could hear her sniffle.
Fuck, she was crying. “I…” Her voice cracked and she huffed.
“I just want you to know that you are the single greatest thing to have ever happened to me. You are so good, Enoch. Like the best person I have ever met. You are so loyal, and you fight like hell for the people you care about. Jae told me how you were planning to kidnap me if I wasn’t going to show up for Thanksgiving.
” She laughed through her tears and my stomach flipped.
Let me hear you laugh again. Don’t do this.
“God, you really don’t know how to give up.
I hope you never change that about yourself.
I hope that you have an amazing time in the military and that you get to travel the world, get to see all the places you want and meet incredible people.
I hope that it’s everything and more. But most of all…
I hope that one day you’ll forgive me. Please.
I’ll miss you. So much.” She choked on a sob, and an invisible weight crushed my chest. Was I even breathing?
Jae’s hand was squeezing mine so tightly I couldn’t feel my fingers. I swiped at the tears on my cheeks.
“I know we only spent a few months together, but I want you to know that I love you. And not just how I love you and Jae as my best friends. I’ve never loved anyone before, but I know that everything I’m feeling means that I love you and I’m so lucky that you were my first and only.
Please know that none of this is your fault and you couldn’t have stopped me.
It was inevitable, so please…please don’t think that you could have done anything.
This was always going to end this way. And I’m s-sorry. Bye, Enoch.”
“Fuck!” I was pulled into my mom’s lap, tears obstructing my sight as they continued to pour out of me.
“No, Mom. Please. She needs to be okay,” I begged through choking sobs. “I knew...I knew about the shit going on at home. I knew she had watched her brother’s suicide, and I thought—I thought I was helping her, Mom. She could stay here, right? I’ll make sure she’s safe. She’ll be happy here.”
“She’s gone, baby.” My mom held me tighter, stroking my hair.
“No. I love her. I love her, Mom. We love her.” Deny. Deny. Deny. It’s not real. I can be enough for her. I can help her. “I need to see her. She’s probably scared and alone. I need to go be with her.” I sat up from her grasp, pushing past Jae and my dad.
My dad gripped me from behind, his arms trapping me to his chest. “I’m so sorry,” he said through his own tears. “She’s gone, Enoch. She’s not coming back.”
I crumpled against my dad, letting him catch my body as we lowered to the floor. I didn’t recognize the sounds coming out of my mouth as I clutched onto his arms around me. I kept clawing for some air, for some hope that this wasn’t real, that she wasn’t…gone.
We were a mess of limbs. Jae. My mom. My dad. Me.
We held each other on my bedroom floor until the numbness settled in. Until the tears stopped. Until I stopped shaking and white-knuckle gripping my dad like he could stop this nightmare. Until the nightmare became reality.
I would never see Shiloh again. Never make her laugh. Never kiss her. Never hold her. Never share her pain. Never tell her I loved her.
She was dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.