30. Rowan #2
“Hey.” Ansel speaks first. Just that one word has my chest aching more. “We were waiting for you.”
“You shouldn’t be here,” I say, but Neo jumps up, his lips pursed. Nugget, of course, doesn’t think they’re the enemy because he just launches himself at them, lashing kisses over both their faces as they fuss over him.
Traitor. I’m going to give him a stern talking to when I’m alone.
“Missed you,” Ansel says, and that makes something chill inside of me.
“Maybe you should have thought of that before betraying me. Before calling me your friend and then backstabbing me,” I say, my voice cracking as I fold my arms across my chest, the tug of Nugget on the leash making it hard to keep myself in this protective stance. But I manage.
“It wasn’t like that,” Ansel protests.
Neo bobs his head. “It wasn’t. We were in the dark too when we met Cade and Wylder. We had no idea who they were. They take their secret very seriously, so the fact that they let you in to the extent they did…”
“Enough.” I bite out that word, and they both fall silent, their eyes shining slightly as I sniffle and swipe at my own. “Please. Enough. It doesn’t matter. I just need you to leave me alone so I can move on.”
“I think that may be hard,” Neo says. “Samson won’t let go so easily. He’s in love.”
“I don’t care. I never want to see him again.” That’s not true. God, how I wish it were. It’d make all of this easier.
Ansel doesn’t buy it either. “I don’t believe it. I saw you two together.”
“Well, things can change.” That’s another lie. Besides being incredibly hurt, nothing much has changed for me. I do love him. I miss him.
I still want him.
But it doesn’t matter. He betrayed me in a terrible way, and I can’t let that go. I really can’t. Adam would tell me to leave, to run far away, to protect myself. Otherwise I’ll just get hurt again. I didn’t listen to him once; I’m not ignoring him now.
Samson’s right. I really do need to see a therapist.
“Well, even if you’re not with Samson, we can still be friends,” Neo says earnestly.
The walls around my heart grow higher. I let them in once before, and look what happened. I’m not making the same mistake twice.
I can’t listen to any more of this. It’s breaking something fundamental in me.
I thought there was nothing left of me to break, but I was wrong.
Leaning down, I sweep Nugget into my arms. He squirms, but I just want to get out of here, want to close the door on this chapter of my life. Literally. “We won’t ever be friends.”
Ansel’s face contorts. “But—”
I hate that I’m making him sad. It goes against everything I stand for. My chin trembles as I force myself to hold it high. “Excuse me. I have to go.”
Neo’s hand thrusts out. “Wait! I made you a potion! Even came up with my own chant.”
I stare down at the small vial in his hand and give a hollow laugh. “I don’t want your potion.”
“But I crafted it just for you. It’s a forgiveness one.”
“I forgive you,” I say quietly, closing his fingers around the vial. “But I can’t be in your life anymore. I’m sorry.”
Ansel lets out a soft sob while Neo digs in a little further. He’s the more stubborn one. “Just, please, come back with us. Samson needs you.”
His words are like a punch to my gut. “Samson doesn’t need me. Only one person ever needed me, and I failed him. He died. Because of me. And guess what? Samson was going to kill me for it.” I shove open my door, my throat bobbing. “Sometimes I wonder if we’d all be better off if he had.”
I don’t mean that either. The thought of never having met Samson? Of never spending these weeks with him?
That’s worse than anything I can imagine.
If only that could be enough.
“Don’t say that,” Ansel whispers, a tear rolling down his cheek. “Samson does need you. We all do.”
Neo bobs his head frantically. “We do.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeat softly. “I need a clean break.”
Neo purses his lips, throwing the small vial into my apartment. It knocks into the small end table and rolls over to my feet as I shut the door and lock it.
I want to throw it back out like some kind of live grenade, but I don’t have the energy. A large part of me wants to let Ansel and Neo back into my life. To let them hold me as I cry and work out a way forward. As if such an option exists.
But it doesn’t. There’s no coming back from this.
I rest my forehead against the doorjamb and exhale just as I hear a commotion outside.
“In sickness and in health we go, become our friend again, not our foe!” Neo shouts.
Despite myself, my lips curl up at how ridiculous it sounds.
I can’t stop myself from bringing my eye to the peephole.
I watch as Cade and Wylder appear, grabbing the two of them around the waist. Ansel fights for a moment, but then sags into Cade’s arms, crying softly.
Neo is kicking though, upset at being restrained.
“Fuck off, Wylder. I want him to talk to us.”
“He doesn’t want to, brat. He’s hurt.”
“So am I! I liked him. And there are so few people I do like.”
That has a sob hiccuping from my throat. I’m hurting them. I fucking hate that. That’s not the person I am.
Then again, I’m not sure who I am anymore.
Wylder drags him away, and I keep my eye at the peephole until I can no longer see them. Then I rest my forehead once more on the door, that potion still at my feet.
Could be poison.
Could be delicious.
Nugget is sniffing it, pulling it between his teeth, about to devour it for a snack.
“Should I drink it?” I ask as I pry it from his sharp little teeth. “Probably a bad idea. But maybe it’ll work this time, and I can find it in me to let this go.”
I know it’s not that simple, that I need more than this, if anything at all.
But still, I pick it up and pull the cork from the top, inhaling what smells like lavender and something like high-proof alcohol. Probably toxic.
I glance down at Nugget then back at the vial. “What the hell.” And then I pour it back, the liquid burning my throat as I swallow. “Holy shit. That is poison. It has to be.”
Nugget barks and then runs around the house as I flop down on the couch, trying to catch my breath.
But I don’t die, even though I feel like I am.
I just end up falling asleep there, dreaming of Samson drifting farther and farther away from me, his hand outstretched, his eyes wide, his mouth open in a silent scream.
I can’t reach him.
Can’t find him.
And when I finally wake up, I realize that even though it was a dream, it’s far too true.